If you have a hungry cat and a hungry human,
and a cracker falls in front of each of them,
the cat wants to know if it tastes good,
the human wants to know where it came from.
So there it is.
15 February 2005
Humans, Cats & Crackers
Texas Pain Saw Mess-a-Girl
Once upon a time there was this lesbian who had been in a monogamous relationship for 7 years, the last year of which she had been very unhappy, living in what some would call the the Second Ring of Hell, also known as Texas. She was 
away from her usual circle of friends, and ripe for a dance with infidelity. She was the flirty type, but had never acted on her crushes or any of those raging hormones.
She had been flirting with an old friend online, via emails and phone calls, and wishing she didn't live in Texas. Then one weekend, another old friend came to visit, with more Old Friends in tow, and much merriment was made, and way too much beer was imbibed. Somehow one of the friends thought it would be fun to visit a local cemetery.
One thing mysteriously led to another, and she found herself in a liplock with one of those old friends, an Amazon Woman who played guitar and sang beautifully.... Then she found herself having wild sex with the Amazon. Twice. Then she found herself in a car going back to the motel the friends shared, and found herself having sex again in the motel room with the Amazon. When the beer wore off, she realized what she had done, and felt awful. Felt guilty, felt totally like the Second Ring of Hell was where she belonged, because she was such a sinner, and worthy of some Fire and Brimstone.
Word got around the Old Friend Grapevine, and soon phones were ringing and e-mails were zipping back and forth, and everyone had an opinion. Some Old Friends turned their backs, some Old Friends supported her in her hour of self-loathing. The Old Friend she had been flirting with online felt almost like she had been cheated on as well, since they had discussed why they couldn't pursue anything romantic, the Texas Pain Saw Mess-a-Girl still being ensconced in a relationship.
But the E-mail Flirtee still offered understanding and support, as she had also been guilty of some bad decisions in the past. The Texas Pain Saw Mess-a-Girl was busted, and the usual emotional upheavals began. But the Spurned Lover did not take the Texas Pain Saw Mess-a-Girl to a cemetery and bury her up to her neck and leave her there all night. Nor did she smack her around, or throw her things in a pile in the yard and light them on fire. The Spurned Lover took it on the chin and tried to maintain a sense of humor through those clenched teeth, and despite her aching heart.
Whenever she drove them past a graveyard, she'd say, "Are you turned on, yet?"
Then the jokes began. "What was it like having sex on top of dead people?"
"Was there a soundtrack...like...the one to Thriller? Did you see any zombies?"
"Is your favorite show 'Six Feet Under', now?"
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