I struggled with whether or not to post this entry. It's very personal. But I
also believe that we help each other by sharing our burdens, and I hope that maybe someone might read this and not feel so alone. Below is a journal entry from three years ago about this subject. "The very difficulty I have in writing this entry. . .or beginning it-- indicates the overwhelming nature of the subject. . .it took me several long minutes of staring at this blank screen before I could even think of a way to start. . .
What's it about then?...it's about epiphanies, evolution, discomfort, comfort Zones, Safe people, Safe Spaces, Knowing that Ignorance really is bliss and conversely, knowledge is hell; it's about knowing myself, and wishing I didn't know.
It's about learning to play to my strengths for once, rather than my weaknesses.
I believe that I am at least mildly agoraphobic. I believe I can conquer that to some degree, in time, but I am only now realizing the pervasive affect it has had on my life. It explains so much of my past behavior. I gave things other names. . .fatigue, health problems, PMS, heartbreak, dysfunctional. . .usually culminating in just saying "I'm fucked up, I guess," or "I'm a sensitive artist type, and need my isolation in order to create.." or "I'm a homebody. . ." But in doing some research, I recognized far too much of myself in the information. Armed with this new information and mindset, I began to revisit some Images of my past. . .images that repeat themselves in varying situations and to varying degrees, but always manifest the same way. . .images of. . .
...avoiding an invitation to a public place because it just made me feel too uneasy;
...starting an argument while out with a friend, because I knew it would mean I could leave;
...avoiding performing solo because it would mean everyone looking at just me, and I would be obligated to be there even if I decided it was too frightening and then I would feel trapped; my fierce avoidance of feeling trapped in ANY situation.
...always wanting to take my own car and not wanting to stay the night at any one else's house;
...getting so antsy waiting in any line... afraid I would push someone out of the way and run outside...
...categorizing my grocery list so that I shopped according to where things were located in the store, so I would not have to backtrack or wander around and could get in and out as efficiently as possible...then, if shopping with someone else, feeling panicky after a certain period of time, suffocated, trapped because I had to wait on them to finish--and all I could think of was wanting to go home;
...Spreading out my errands so that I don't do too many in one day--this incites a feeling of being overwhelmed; never wanting to shop or go along on someone else's errands because there was no guarantee I could leave when I wanted, and constantly hurrying them along and getting mad when I felt they were not properly organized with their shopping list and wasted any time at all getting it done;
I also recall fights with partners where the Safe Space of our home was so compromised, that I had to go outside and sit in my van-- sometimes for hours--before I could calm down.
...being unnaturally afraid of certain sounds. . .like knocks on the door or the phone ringing. . .it seemed to represent a personal invasion, an ambush of sorts. . .my heart pounding, my breathing ragged. . .
...choosing to live in my van, when I became homeless, rather than with a drunken Uncle, or at my newly-married mother's house, because I was fearful I couldn't control that environment, could not create my own space, and would be dealing with obligation and someone else's rules. The idea of that made me feel like I was suffocating.
Being in a crowded place can also make me feel that way, unless I have recharged my "Safe Battery" for awhile. When the charge runs down though, I will want to go home, and cannot be persuaded to stay without a huge disagreement that will eventually develop into full-fledged fisticuffs, if I am challenged on this feeling. . .
Those are just a few examples of many more that have begun to seep into my current consciousness. . .I don't want this thing to cripple me. I am working very hard to understand it and let it serve me rather than Master me. But I know I have to have things a certain way until I learn to control or conquer it. Things have not been that way, maybe EVER, and that's why it has gotten this bad, I think. . .But now I have some ability to control it, as long as others in my life cooperate and don't expect me to be things I simply cannot, right now.
JH is my best friend, and is my "Safe" person. She is my ex, and knows me perhaps better than anyone ever has. There's a huge comfort zone in that. I know she is my Safe Person, my rock--because whenever there is any inkling that she will be too far away or inaccessible, or traveling anywhere without me, I can so easily freak out. I imagine that something awful has happened to her . . .the possibility that she may be either taken from me literally or taken from me figuratively. . .then I absorb the visceral emotions that engenders and I feel like my world collapses around my ears in a giant, thunderous cacophony of paranoia and co-dependence.
Now that I do have some financial stability, and some independence, I am caught in a quandary--between the proverbial rock and a hard place. . .
I know that I have become so eccentric that it would be impossible to expect anyone to be with me in a committed, house-sharing, relationship. I have searched the personal ads, corresponded with many, re-considered possibilities with old friends, tried to meet new people--and always, I am left with the impression that it is all for naught. I am in a location that is not conducive to making a living for most people, nor is it the first place on the map people point to when they are thinking of a state to live in....and The things I seem to require now are not exactly in the personality category of "easy-going."
So I might wind up alone, but I don't want to be.
I might wind up with someone, but not be able to stand it.
That 24/7 Slave-thing is looking more and more plausible."
I wrote that almost three years ago, and today, I can say that I am healthier than I've ever been and these symptoms are not as severe. I am much more easy-going, and I laugh everyday and keep a pretty positive attitude. I can leave my house and my comfort zone for longer periods of time, and usually mask my symptoms when they do appear. I have even managed to make long trips by myself-- one that included getting on a plane to New Jersey and staying at someone's home for a week whom I had known on the Internet for a couple of years. Another two times I made a trip to Kansas City, MO to meet other new friends or dates I had met online. I relish the idea of living in Kansas City—it has everything I've been looking for, and everything that I have not found where I am. But I know that I will never make that move unless I have a Safe Person and comfort zone already established there. I also forced myself to go to Branson several times for a long day and evening on a date; My Safe Person remains the same, but I don't freak out when she goes out of town anymore, and don't usually have tragic fantasies. These improvements are partly due to my concerted effort to improve and partly due to the fact that I have arranged my life so that these phobic reactions don't appear every often. These issues have been made more apparent recently, because I have been single for a few years and have been dating for the last year of it.
So if any of you out there share this challenge, take heart. Agoraphobia is not a mental illness. It's a behavioral disorder. And it can be addressed and can be conquered. I just haven't allowed myself to focus on ridding myself of it until now. So I have still more work to do.
