15 October 2007

Nightmare Dates: The Actress with a Bad Vibe

Okay, so this last July, i met this woman online from Topeka. She had been an actress in LA a few years ago, nothing huge, just bit parts and commercials. She did have a speaking role in The Bachelor. Anyway, we emailed and talked on the phone a few times, and then planned to meet. She drove down one weekend to my house. That's the bad part about long distance dating-- especially when you first meet someone. It's inevitable that they will be at your house, or you at theirs for a day or two. This can lead to all kinds of complications, and i have written about that, quite a bit...anyway.

She arrived, and the first RED FLAG was that she got out of her SUV, and began unloading her luggage. She had one of those huge bags on rollers with a handle, an overnight bag, and a couple of hangers with clothes. I thought "Damn, is she moving in?" She was only to be here two days!

So i greeted her, and helped her carry her BAGGAGE in.

The second RED FLAG was that she didn't look much like the pictures she sent me. Quite a bit heavier, for one thing, but i overlooked that, if only because i had learned she used to be a BBW, and had lost about a hundred pounds. Soon, we were on our way to Dixon street to go have dinner. I noticed this odd discomfort with her. Like, i didn't have anything to say. (not usual for me). I was getting this weird vibe. After dinner, we went down the street to Willy D's, a piano bar.We ordered drinks, and then soon the entertainment started. What i had in mind was some soft Billy Joel-type thing in the background, so we could have a conversation. What we got was a roomful of drunk college kids and a guy and girl playing dueling pianos like it was some Broadway show. So we spent a lot of time leaning over to talk, and shouting over the music. Sometimes the leaning over part is okay, if there's a spark-factor, but for me, there wasn't. Still, i soldiered on, because i thought maybe we could at least be friends.

As the evening wore on, i kept getting this weird vibe. Now, part of that is that i am very empathic and a person's energy is something i FEEL. So i just thought maybe we were off in that department. Eventually, we made our way back home, and there was that inevitable awkwardness. I decided we should keep drinking.

She had brought vanilla vodka and had that with Coke, and i had a raspberry twisted. We sat on the sofa and talked, and the more we did that, the more i knew she had a screw loose. She talked about herself a lot, as in how many famous people she knew, how great an actress she was, how most other actresses sucked, and so on.

I suggested that we watch some short films i had on DVD, that i hadn't watched yet, and soon she was asking for my massage skills...i knew what that meant. I do give massages every now and then, and have a massage table in the guest room. But the last thing i wanted to do was have my hands on her, rubbing warm oil around....so i told her my hands were bothering me, because i had been giving lots of massages. She took that as her cue to RUB MY HANDS. She reached for one, and i jerked it back like I'd touched a preheated stove.

Finally, i acquiesced, feeling it couldn't be that bad. But of course, then she wanted to touch me in other places, and I'm sure she was at least a few times trying to line herself up for a kiss. I avoided that like a flesh eating virus.

She was knocking back the vodka pretty good, and getting a bit tipsy. The more she drank, the more obnoxious and loud she got. She would stand in front of the television, while the movie was playing and talk talk talk...gesticulating and offering criticism of various actors, directors, scripts, etc.

Add to that, the fact that she was 38, and had told me she'd only had sex with ONE person, one time, and I was really clear that there was a pertinent reason. Between her personality and her fucked up energy, I'm sure plenty of women have felt what i was feeling from her...and knew better than to entertain the idea of intimate relations with her.

I announced that the coolers were going straight through me, and excused myself to go to the bathroom. I stood in there, leaning against the door and feeling so uncomfortable that i thought my head would explode. I have never been so uncomfortable in my own home, and never felt so trapped either. She wasn't leaving until the next day.

Long story short, I couldn't wait to get her out of my house. I can't even be friends with someone like that, much less date them.

And i never did figure out what she must have packed in all those suitcases.
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10 October 2007

Not So Vain

I'm not so vain as to think that any of you were despondent that i haven't been on this site much lately...so i won't apologize for my absence. I've been myspaced-out for a while, fighting their stubborn coding problems... maybe it's my tiny little control issue in regard to my own work....it's way more time-effective than trying to conquer the Myspace Coding Beast...wow...i need some coffee, i'm rambling like a tumbleweed....

anyway, what have I been up to? Well,

I've been in and out of a relationship. It took 6 months to realize that we were not suitable partners. I had high hopes, but alas. She is a lovely, sweet person, and we remain friends.

Thoughts on that: I no longer suspect, but rather am convinced, that the only way to find and keep the right partner for yourself, is to adhere to the tenets of Old Fashioned Dating, Here's the deal: it has been proven that a person cannot put up a facade--be something they are not--for longer than 3 to 4 months. Therefore, if you date a person (note, i didn't say "live with" or "shack up") for that period of time, you will begin to see anything that they have been hiding from you, i.e., you will see the deal-breakers and red flags. Ideally, you will be able to see the red flags and deal breakers before that, but just know that if someone is determined to be something they are not, their facade will not be able to hold past that point. (For more on this subject, buy my book--ISO (In Search Of: Dating, Relationships, and Sex for the Discerning Lesbian. Available now where quality books are sold; that is to say, jaebaeli.com). Similar to this, is the "17 Dates Method" (credit to Justice Harlow) wherein, if want to really get to know someone, agree to go out on 17 dates. In that amount of time, you will have learned all you need to learn and will know the person in many different situations, and around many different types of people...so these two methods seem to work well together. It is my intention to stick to this during this round of singlehood...my best friend and i are finally single at the same time, so we're going to do this as a team (not that she will go on all my dates with me, but...um...you know.)

I've been writing a lot too. I now have 9 books and one screenplay published. (with LightSwitcher Books), and am still searching for a good agent and a mainstream publisher. I fired one agency in New York because i wasn't happy with the way they did business. I am in the middle of my brand new mainstream novel, "Baggage" right now. It's about a family whose lives are swirled around by the events of Hurricane Katrina, and how these lives intersect with other lives, and how we all have our own baggage: lies, deception, secrets.... (Okay, so i haven't worked out the blurb, yet, but there ya go).
Thoughts on that: Unless you're on the bestseller lists and Oprah and other spotlight venues, you are largely ignored as a writer. It costs money to market yourself, and there's a million bad writers out there mucking it up for the rest of us. And Writing isn't easy. But i love it. I must be a glutton for punishment.

I recently began a phone job as an intuitive counselor/life coach kinda person. I only have time to do that part time, though, and it remains to be seen if that will be good enough for the company. I like the idea of helping people, though.
Thoughts on that: it seems that most of the women who call me are some version of fucked up. Most of the men that call me are trying to understand the fucked up women.

I've rededicated my attention to the Law of Attraction and the Power of Intention.
Thoughts on that: Since we know that miraculous things happen in our bodies, sheerly in response to our thoughts (see this article for a fabulous exposition on this topic), it is not so magical to believe that our thoughts are things. They are things that can make things happen. The Law of Attraction has recently been repackaged as "The Secret" but it's not really a secret. It's been around a very long time. Even in the eighties, a channel was imparting this information (google or P2P abraham hicks). I've already been given many signs that the Law of Attraction works...but it seems there are 2 tricks to it: (1) You have to manifest in terms of the present; like if you say "my dream girl is right around the next corner..." then what happens is, your dream girl is right around the next corner...always...never the corner you've just turned, but the NEXT one. You have to make statements like: "My dream girl is in my life right now" or even, "I will meet my dream girl by the Fourth of July" and (2) You have to place yourself in the emotion you would be having, when your desire is reality. Now, some of us have trouble cranking up an emotion for something that. To our linear-time-imprisoned minds, is not real to us. According to Unified Field Theory and Quantum physics, everything exists RIGHT NOW. I have mentioned before in other writings, that i am not naturally a visual person...my brain operates from emotional memory, and emotion itself, so visualizing is not something i do well without great concentration ( this is a whole other topic i touch on in ISO and in My Friend the Synesthete) although, i have surprised myself on my counseling job when i told people things that came to me, and it turned out to be true--spooky, really. So one thing I've been doing to get around the visualization gap, is to listen to music that makes me feel happy or joyous...then i begin to think of those things i desire while in that state. I hope it proves effective...we'll see.
I'm trying to get a Hen Party started here, (Bella Vista) and if any of you live in the area and wish to participate, please let me know. Hens only, no roosters.
Thoughts on that: Hens can lay eggs WITH NO HELP from a rooster. Modern science can already fertilized a human egg WITHOUT sperm....it's only a matter of time before we'll only need men to lift heavy things...we're due for a matriarchy anyway.

My best friend is also recently singled, as i said, and we've made a pact. We will be dating as much as possible (other people, not each other ) and having as much fun as we can over the next year (while being open to those perfect lifemates/partners who are just waiting to find us).
Thoughts on that: if you've read any of my profiles and feel we would enjoy each other's company, please, contact me.

I'm about to begin recording my 3rd CD, too, entitled "Feng Shui Tragedy."

Thoughts on that: note that i said, "about to begin..." That means i keep turning on my 16 track digital recorder, marveling at how cool it is, and thinking about how many songs i have to choose from, and then losing the mood and turning it back off.

Okay, I'm refilling my coffee. Stay tuned.


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07 October 2007

Put THAT in Your Pipe

What with all the new age channeling going on, (allowing non-physical entities to speak through them) I've had to decide how I feel about it. . .because, you know, there can be nothing in my experience left misunderstood. . .

Aside from the Channels who are obvious charlatans, I believe there are some who are authentic (a truth that crosses over many boundaries and into many situations). In my endeavors to understand this phenomenon, I've had to take the beliefs I had in place and add any new beliefs I've come to; and I've come to this:

I am a channel, too. But I don't channel Abraham or Ramtha, The Enlightened One. I channel my Muse. Each time I embark upon a creative endeavor, I channel. Each time I have an inspiration, I channel. Each time I understand something on a profound level, figure out one of life's great mysteries, or make a decision at the grocery about "paper or plastic," I channel. (okay, the last one was added for levity, I don't consider my choice of grocery bags an enlightened epiphany. . .)

But I channel. And you channel. And everyone CAN channel.

When I set about creating the things I create—whether in the area of music, art, or writing, or giving a massage, or helping a friend figure some conundrum out, I am tapping in to that channel that we all have as spiritual beings, having a human experience. When I get any inspiration, it comes from SOMEWHERE. Call it inspiration or Muse or non-physical energy or collective consciousness . . . it comes from higher self—from collective unconscious, from God.

Abraham or Ramtha or just smartness from a human brain or mind. . .are all pulled from the same Source. It is often referred to, as a matter of fact, as "Source." The only difference is its manifestation; how the information presents itself. If someone is seeking and meditating, and some other consciousness appears and introduces itself or names itself, that is Source. If someone is seeking and meditating, and has the experience of epiphany, that is also source. There really is no fundamental difference, other than how it manifests itself, and in what form.

For instance, I might take a lump of clay on a potter's wheel, and make a large vase or I might also make a plate; it really depends on what the inspiration is—it's still the same clay, taking different forms. It's still Source.

If this is so, then we don't need those "middle-men"—those 'tweeners who try to make us believe that we can have nothing of God or higher consciousness without them. In other words, a priest is not a conduit to God. WE are the conduit to God. We are, in a very real sense, GOD. We all come from the same Source, the same essence, and so we are all portions of that Source, manifested in physical form, in a particular time-space continuum.

Put THAT in your pipe, and smoke it.


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