30 March 2011

Happy Effing Anniversary


Today would have been our one year anniversary.

D. came by at 9:30 with police escort to get some things. Officers were very nice. He said "Kelli?" 

I said, "yes, but I go by Jae." 

He introduced himself but now I can't remember his name. I shook his hand in introduction. He said the lady over there needed....and then I couldn't hear what he was saying because when I looked across the street, there she was, parked in her truck. I had a little palpitation and felt myself step backward.

They stepped in and I explained that I only had to drop off at storage what was in the U-haul today. I had wanted to leave today, but didn't have enough money for hotel for two nights. Had to wait for Friday when my check went into the bank. And then this stuff they could see, I would load into my vehicle on Thursday, and then go to court, and after that I was going straight to a hotel for two months until my permanent place was ready. So I would be out by Thursday, and I just wanted the opportunity to do that, and it was really hard because I had a million things to deal with and moving by myself was very difficult.

I retrieved her toothbrush and she complained that it was the Sonicare. I told them I bought that, and she had this other set before I moved in, and so that was hers. He nixed her argument and said we weren't going to get into that now. Just take that one.

Then she wanted her reading glasses. I got her reading glasses, sunglasses, Daytimer, old cell phone in a box and handed it to cops. She complained that her eyeglasses weren't in there, and I said I put them in the box, maybe they fell out--and checked. Then the officer found them on the chair near where I had the box. I gave them to him. 

Then she asked for her dentures and I got them, didn't know where the case was. He wouldn't take them because they weren't in a container. I put them on a napkin, gave him that.

Then she asked where her gun was, I handed him the pieces of her service pistol, which was broken because she broke it. Officers saw it on the bedroom floor that night. This cop couldn't give gun to her. Then she asked for her .357 and I said I didn't have it, it was in her truck last I saw it; she said it wasn't in the truck and accused me of taking it. I said I had moved it from beside her seat shortly before the incident and under the passenger seat, to PROTECT her, and then when I felt it was okay, I put it back between her seat and console where it was before. She made like I had stolen her gun and might press charges. geez. I told officers I had no interest in her guns. He asked about the other guns. I said the only other location I was aware of was a gun cabinet with rifles. She made some comment about she was afraid I'd use one of the guns because I was suicidal. I sort of laughed and grimaced at the same time. I could tell she was trying to incriminate me as unstable. 

I said, "I'm not suicidal. I value my life, which is why I'm removing myself from this situation. I don't care about your guns, except that they don't hurt me." The officer said that he didn't want to have to search her vehicle because she was not supposed to have guns during this Protection Order and she would be arrested. She said she looked and it wasn't in her truck. I said I didn't know where it was now, I only know the last time I saw it, I had moved it back to between her seat -- ironically, because I was trying to protect her from herself a short time before that, when there was another upheaval. I said she had driven away that night with it, and I had been afraid that she would use it to kill herself. She made some other stupid comment and I said that since she was drunk that night, maybe she misplaced it herself. I told the cop I don't know where it was now, didn't care. Everything that is hers is still where she left it.

So then I needed to tell her about storage,  but she interrupted me with some other thing about her stuff, and not being able to get to it. I said I had to change the gate code and lock to protect myself and my belongings, because I had to store things for two months and I didn't want her to have access to the things I needed to protect...I continued, and she interrupted again, and I said, "Don't make this worse than it already is. I am trying to be fair and still take care of myself." She interrupted again with some argument, and I addressed the officer, "Okay, I'm trying to give her some information that is STRICTLY for her benefit, but she won't let me finish." So I addressed the officer-- that I had spoken to the office girl at storage, (got choked up and had trouble continuing for a few seconds, still crying) and told him that when I get my things out to move to a permanent place in June, I would leave her things and close the door and she could contact D. to come get her belongings then. I had not harmed her things, will not harm her things, I don't want trouble, I just want to get out, but have only had a few days to do all this myself and hundred other things to deal with on top of being stressed and sad about this whole thing. Tears were streaming down my face. He said he understood. 

Then she said, "Jae, why did you break all those things in the living room?"  

I felt my blood pressure shoot up. I said "OH MY GOD! D., YOU trashed all that stuff Sunday night during your meltdown, threw all kinds of things around and eventually started throwing things at ME. Don't try to accuse me of things I didn't do."

Then she asked for and I got her a nice shirt to wear to court. In the bedroom, I told the officer that I didn't have any desire to take anything of hers, I just needed to get out of this situation and feel safe. I said she has been distorting things and hasn't been able to think clearly or communicate clearly for months. I didn't want her to start trying to trump up charges on me, I was the one victimized here, not her. He was understanding, and said I appeared genuine.

Then they were leaving, and I just reiterated I wanted to feel safe and when I was going to be out, and I was doing my best to get out as soon as possible. All I wanted for her was that she get the help she needed, counseling, substance abuse help, and that I just wanted to get on with my life. He commiserated that he knew it was difficult and he understood and it seemed that's exactly how I was about it, no problem.

Then they all went to their vehicles. D. sees Bev, neighbor across street, who says something to her from the door, and D. goes over there, about to go in but cops got out of the car again because she was supposed to leave. She walked over and said something to them and began to walk back to Bev, and so I came out of the house to talk to the cops--parked across the street. They saw me and got out to be between us and I told them "please don't leave me here alone with her." They said they wouldn't. She was told to get back in her truck, and she paused at her door,  and said "Jae, I just wanted to say I'm sorry and I love you." I just sighed and started to walk away. Leaving it at that. But then she said something else and I can't recall, but it sort of ruined the previous sentiment. I said "D., I just want you to go on with your life and get help, and I want to get on with mine. You have to understand, I am afraid of you."

I went back in, and then watched them all leave, while I was still crying and just sobbed harder. Then I felt sick and went to throw up.

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28 March 2011

Fleeing Field Mouse



Rushing around like a fleeing field mouse, trying to think ahead, and protect myself. Closed the joint accounts, opened a new one in my name, with an extra security code only I would know; got them to do auto transfer of my direct deposit due in on 1st to my new account. The new card would be held until I called with an address, as I told them it was obviously not a good idea to mail it to the house.

Called AT&T and had her iPhone number removed from my account. I'd still pay the same amount, until i found some number from a battery of an old phone so they could remove $30 data package. Hopefully I can get my old single plan back without paying this much for the contract duration. I don't have an old cell phone laying around for the first time in my entire life. Screw it, I just needed her not to run up that bill. And I bought her that iPhone for Xmas anyway, and resented that she'd get to enjoy it now on my dime.
Storage: got new lock plug ($10 I couldn’t really spare), changed the code for the gate to get in too. I called Apartment office. Place not ready until 30 May. Have to find place for 2 months. Extended Stay, probably.

Called to have myself removed from D's Home Depot and Discover cards; don't want to incur liability for those bills when I didn't ask for that privilege anyway she wanted me to have them. I never used the Discover card, and only the Home Depot one for a few dollars when she sent me to get something. It was the account she used to buy all the renovation stuff for the house.
Got online and bought a PO box, at the suggestion of Justi, since I didn't want my mail to forward somewhere where she'd know how to track me down.
Called Car place and told them the story and asked how they wanted me to pay last two payments—would they take a temporary check? They said to send the check, so wrote that out, had to hunt all over for an envelope, and finally climb into u-Haul and do some excavating and spelunking and finally managed to force my arm thru a hole, finger open the desk drawer and free the envelope. When I tried to seal the check inside, realized it was an old envelope and the stickum didn't stickum, no matter how many times I licked it. I was painfully short on spit, due to dehydration. I finally found some scotch tape and taped it, but that was also old, and had also lost it's stickum. I found more scotch tape, yes, back in the u-Haul, in my desk, which required a re-excavation and arm poking and fingering open a drawer. This tape worked. But when I clipped the envelope to my Daytimer page, I realized I had no stamp, so looked all over, and thru D's stuff for one. No luck. Would have to find time to stop at post office and wait in line for that 44 cent square of paper that had, no doubt, working stickum on it. I'd let the postal clerk worry about that.
CW came by to help me load. Got lots of wish-we-were-there-to-help messages from those friends out of state. So tired, and more to load and do. I am so afraid I'll blow a disc again, and I am in so much pain. But maybe that's what keeps me awake. I will have to make second trip to get my stuff to storage--only a few things, the last load. And that's with me having to leave some stuff i could not carry up the stairs anymore. I left several things. Like my bookshelf and my TV--too heavy for me to handle. Couldn't turn U-Haul in on time so had to keep for second day. I am so overwhelmed and just trying to keep myself together to get these things done. I don't dare let myself think of the emotional parts, or I might not be able to stop crying.

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18 March 2011

Birthday Bash

Retro-post
18March
Stealing some time, here. Too much to tell. mainly, on the 12th, the day before my birthday, we had probably the worst episode to date. D. lost it completely. She swiped all the stuff from the coffee table, the end table, smashed a bunch of liquor bottles, threw her new bong across the room into the wall, breaking it. She sat and screamed over and over at the top of her lungs. I got scared she was suicidal, and i went into the bedroom to check the .38 in my drawer--it was already unloaded. I suppose she did that for MY safety. Ironic. Then i was checking her work gun and couldn't get it out of the holster--it was dark. She came in behind me and i'm sure thought the worst--I could tell she assumed I was suicidal--which i wasn't-- and i said, "no, I'm just trying to unload it.." and i guess she didn't believe me and grabbed it, took it out the back door and threw it in the koi pond. I'm thinking, why didn't she just throw the ammunition in there? why the whole gun?

Later, she tried to dig it out with a rake, and couldn't, saying that was a fucking $900 gun. I wanted to say "Well you're the one who threw it in there." But i didn't. Finally as I watched her get more and more agitated about it, i got worried that losing that gun would set her off again, and i got into the pond to get it--not knowing how cold the water was--it literally took my breath away. Then i slipped on the algae and fell. COLD. PARALYZING COLD. I got up, and slipped and fell again, wrenching my back. I finally climbed out and went inside, to take the clothes off. I've never felt water so cold in my life. I thought it had warmed up with the nicer weather we've been having. But obviously not. She just watched the whole thing and didn't try to help me.

The biggest problem was during all that,  i was faced with a horrible decision--to try to help her get through this, or call 911 and have her put on 10-90--a 78 hour psych hold. But i knew i couldn't take care of the bills and such since she handles all that now, and was worried, and of course also knew this would screw her dream of going to paramedic school and getting a job as it would be on her record. But i was so afraid she was literally in such bad shape psychologically, that it was the only thing to do. I agonized, and finally just forced my arms around her and held her while she screamed, i told her I loved her and i wasn't going anywhere, and we would make it. trying to calm her. It was awful. i never want that to happen again. 
Looking back on that...it lasted something like 15 hours...it was one of the most horrible days and nights of my life...I felt so helpless, so cornered, so frightened...it was like someone was rolling my guts up in barbed-wire pulley....all she could say the next day (13th--my birthday) was "Sorry I ruined your birthday." Yeah, just like New Years, Christmas, Thanksgiving, our anniversary, starting a business together, our trip to Alamosa, your marriage proposal to me...all those special events have been ruined. If i had some perspective then--like i do now--I would have left then (or much sooner, or not have moved in there at all). I would have said, "Yes you did ruin my birthday. You've also ruined this relationship and you're about to fuck your entire future.  Why can't you pull yourself together? You can't expect me to put up with this much longer..." But I opted for compassion. I told her not to worry about my birthday, that i just wanted her to be okay, that i wanted us to get through this and have that life we dreamed about...
I was stupid.

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09 March 2011

Another Review of "As You Were"

Another review of As You Were 

Review by: Noni Nelson on Mar. 09, 2011 : star star star star
"Four years ago, as a newly-out,mature lesbian and an avid reader I was staggered by the dearth of quality gay fiction for women. So disappointed in fact that I resorted to writing my own. If I had discovered Kelli Jae Baeli back then I may not have bothered! I was hooked from the first few pages of As You Were. Her characters are natural, their lives are believable and I devoured this book eagerly late into the night. And put it down with a genuine reluctance to part company with it's two main protagonists, Tru & Brittany."

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New Review of ISO

 
Another review on my book "ISO (In Search Of): Dating, Relationships & Sex for the Discerning Lesbian"...
"Whether you are a 'baby dyke', a newly out older woman or someone who has just been away from the 'dating scene' for a time, this book is an essential tool in your belt. Not only does Ms. Baeli provide thought provoking answers to all those obvious questions we all have, but you might find some information here about scenarios you had never even considered. Read it cover to cover or jump to the section you're most interested in, either way you will come away with plenty to think about. And a few chuckles along the way!"
~Noni Nelson
Australia
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