| “There is no pain equal to that which two lovers can inflict on one another. This should be made clear to all who contemplate such a union. The avoidance of this pain is the beginning of wisdom, for it is strong enough to contaminate the rest of our lives.” ~ Cyril Connolly |
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I have learned it is best to hold back the deeper aspects of your heart, and never reveal any past demons you've conquered and learned from, because others are capable of forging them into weapons with which to cut you, bludgeon you and inflict the deepest emotional harm--harm that can render you faithless and hopeless and wounded. I can't fathom ever opening myself up again--even if it's the small amount i managed to do it this time...and if i do manage to be foolish or brave enough to attempt it once more, it won't be until i have an extended period of proof that they are not capable of such carnage and such viciousness, and what they tell you about themselves is not merely words... "When are you going to understand, that i am not like those others?" they say, over and over, "You are too hard on yourself. You just have to learn to let go and be in the moment and allow yourself to feel..." You open that door just a little, and you take a step inside, And then they demonstrate themselves as clones of those others with their hatefulness, and have the gall to say it is somehow all your own doing. WE are all humans and we all have our limits, and can only be impaled with a sharp stick so many times before we will do anything to make it stop. I have learned that i am capable of attacking back when these wounds are so deep that they feel like life or death. I abhor the way it makes me feel about myself to lash out, or inflict reciprocal harm, to lower myself to such a level of pain that i will hurt someone else out of some need to protect myself, i also recognize it is a perfectly natural human reaction to such a overwhelming amount of injury to my heart, my psyche, my wounds. Thus, I will use every ounce of strength i have left and that i manage to collect afterward to never allow myself to be that vulnerable again. No one will ever be able to hurt me like that again. No one will have my heart for awhile. It's too bruised and battered for handling. Even by me. |
As a creative person, it is necessary for me to open myself up and take chances. To create art of any kind, you must be able to dig down and reveal yourself in order for the creative result to be honest and visceral and meaningful. I have learned that when you open yourself up to SOMEONE, a specific someone, thinking they might be significant in your life--a future lifemate, a soulmate, perhaps--you always take the chance of having that personal information twisted and thrown in your face when things don't turn out they way they want. You might be having a spiritual/emotional crisis that you are trying desperately to work through, but the minute the situation disappoints them and their own goals, they reduce your feelings to mere character flaws, they spit venom at your self-worth, Then everything they embraced and loved and understood about you morphs into this ugly Grendel, and you suddenly become the embodiment of all their own angst and fear and ugliness. They turn on you, they load their weapons and they begin to fill you full of holes.
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