Troubling Mammaries

As I've mentioned, I placed a personal ad on Craig's List, since that site gets so much traffic, in the hopes of meeting local women for dates and friendship. I made my personality and intentions clear in this ad, and I still get offers that floor me.

The latest was from a woman who obviously did not understand what type of person I am. Her mail to me:

Hi, my name is Twila. I am 51 years old. shaved, lez, D&D free, VERY oral and VERY interested in your ad. I love to shop, dine out, watch chick flix, sleep-in on weekends, take long trips to nowhere, cuddle, eat ice-cream with a fork, and sex. Lots of sex. Mmmmmm....... I love toys. Lots of toys. You seem like a wild creature. I like that. I live alone (condo) in B.V., have a car and can host. I hope my pic isn't too bold for you. I'm just trying to pique your interest. So, if you like what you have read and what you see, get back to me with your "naughty" pics. I have more. Hoping to hear from you, Twila

The photograph to which she refers...cropped and censored so as not to offend my more delicate readers. (Wait. Do i HAVE any delicate readers? I'm not sure about that) Okay, then cropped and censored for the purpose of taste. Which is a quality that "TWILA" apparently isn't familiar with.


This picture wasn't "bold" it was slutty. Is nothing sacred anymore? What makes some women think that showing me their tits is a way to gain my respect? If a woman doesn't have more pride in her intellect, or ethics or being a registered voter, or even her contributions to the Humane Society, I'm simply not interested. For one thing, if she'll send this to me, a stranger on the Internet, what else must she think is okay? I'm impressed by confidence, class, intelligence and a sense of humor. Not the size and perfection of your mammary glands. I'm aware that females normally have two breasts. I have them too. These are not, however, selling points for getting a date with me.

Troubling Mammaries

I'm having (gulp) good luck.

Things seem to be trending my way. Anyone who knows my recent history knows that that is a milestone all by itself. I have been too isolated for a long time and have been trying to arrange a relocation to the Denver/Boulder area, but that's a process that will take some time. Meanwhile, I wanted to have a social life again. So I placed an ad on Craig's List. Now, if someone had told me this before, I would have done Craig's list instead of the 40 other dating sites. Hands down, I have had more luck meeting women because of that ad than with all the other ads combined. I have made some really great new friends. There are EIGHT new women in my life.

There is one exception to the Craig's list thing: A teacher from Joplin with a really cool name, which I regrettably will have to omit for reasons of privacy, etc. But i met her on Yahoo. I had to make it a paid membership just to talk to her--and told her that this, in fact, meant she'd be obligated to go on a date with me. LOL. But it looks promising, in that I am a little excited about her. She's cute, and we texted (OMG, i hate texting...she's one of those people who send you three text messages while you're still typing in the answer to the first one. My phone started smoldering...I'm either going to have to avoid it altogether or get a Blackberry) Finally I called her and said "Oh my god!" We chatted for a few minutes, and she was on her way out of town, but hopefully I'll be able to meet her soon. Might be able to talk on phone with her tonight after my date. (Yes. I have a date on Valentine's day, for once.) Oh, and "Joplin" also plays racquetball, so hopefully I'll have a partner for that soon, again. I miss it.

I've also signed on as an Independent Rep for NJOY, electronic Cigarettes--about which I am extremely enthused. This product has allowed me to quit smoking tobacco for good. After 25 years of trying to quit. I am all about eCigs now.

I also have several new proofreaders for those 13 books I continue to jerk out of print and edit again and again. I needed fresh eyes. So soon i will have final versions of all 13 back on Amazon. And I am working on about 6 others, that I hope to finish this year.

I have some extra money nowadays as well, which has made a big difference too. I'm actually able to go and do and buy. That's also a welcome change. (Now if I can just procure that lucrative contract with a mainstream publisher, I'll be set. ).

I've met many of my major goals--the only big personal one i have now is to lose that extra lard I've gathered....I'll have to finally put that DVD in the player and work out to the cardio-from-hell routine...i tried it a month ago, and after five minutes, i thought I would die. Unbelievable how strenuous it is. But it's just what I need now.

Maybe I'll even (finally) sell my land in Alamosa. (anyone?).

So anyway, this is more a journal entry than a blog, but I felt it was important for me to commemorate that my life seems to be going in a positive direction now. 'bout time.

I'm having (gulp) good luck.

Red Light Needs a Green Light

The oldest bordello in the red light district of Hamburg Germany has closed its doors. The madam cites a lack of business for the closure.

Let me get this clear...sex isn't selling anymore?

That place has been around since 1948, and like any business, certain trends can effectively close it down; not the least of these trends is the ban on sale of alcohol in the area, the loud dance clubs nearby, and, oh let's not forget, it costs about $3000 per night to enjoy its services. So, the madam can blame it on all those other things, but I'm sure her high price tag figured into the demise of her business. Her prices were prohibitively high in today's economy. It's also not economically feasible when the Internet lets you download porn for cheap.

The other reason I can think of for sex not selling, is that you can't sell anything that is being given away for free so often. I've always been a bit dismayed by the inherent contradiction in those who look down on women who sell their bodies, when there are so many other women who give it away for free. And somehow the ones who give it away, behave as though they are more ethical than the women who recognize the value of their bodies, and demand compensation for the use of it. The problems inherent in prostitution have more to do with the environment in which it is forced to operate, than the profession itself.

So if it's not about the act, but the nature of the act, then from whence do our notions of sex derive? My suspicion is that it derives from the nature of our society. We are a nation steeped in religion, and religion has a long history of framing sex as a "dirty" act. Even in the Garden of Eden myth, Adam and Eve become aware of their nakedness, and then become ashamed before God. This didn't happen until after they ate of the Tree of Knowledge, which meant that knowledge equals awareness, and awareness brings with it responsibility and questions and confusion and--by extension--an opportunity for evolution. Yet most Christians believe, and the creation story implies, that this message has more to do with the value of ignorance and innocence than it does with wisdom and growth. I reject that tenet.

In one of my favorite series, Firefly, a futuristic world included the normal practice of having paid "Companions"--this was framed in an aesthetic manner, including none of the seediness that usually goes along with this activity when illegal. A need was recognized and met by two consenting adults agreeing that one would pay for the service of another. No different than paying for a massage, or electrolysis. I have to say this little bit of futuristic fiction helped sway me toward agreement with the legalization of prostitution, since I had not considered the possibility of viewing it from a standpoint outside the normal stigmatization. There are high-priced call girls in America, but the practice is still illegal, (except in 10 counties in Nevada), and much of this misunderstanding of its usefulness is fraught with the common erroneous ideas that preclude its implementation.

Accordingly, from an ethical standpoint, how do we categorize legalization of prostitution? Is the concept of sex-for-sale as a tainted morality a knee-jerk reaction, or does it actually adhere to ethical precepts? Consider these statistics:

• 78 percent of women who sought help from the Council for Prostitution Alternatives in 1991 reported being raped an average of 16 times a year by pimps, and were raped 33 times a year by johns.
• 62 percent reported having been raped in prostitution.
• 73 percent reported having experienced physical assault in prostitution.
• 72 percent were currently or formerly homeless.
• 92 percent stated that they wanted to escape prostitution immediately.
• 83 percent of prostitutes are victims of assault with a weapon.
• 75 percent of women in escort prostitution had attempted suicide.
• 67 percent meet diagnostic criteria for post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

In short, the victims of prostitution are mostly the prostitutes themselves. It just may be that they no longer have the ability left to "consent" to be a willing participant in their so-called victimless crime. Estimates of the prevalence of incest among prostitutes range from 65 percent to 90 percent. The Council for Prostitution Alternatives, Portland, Oregon Annual Report in 1991 found that: 85 percent of their prostitute clients reported history of sexual abuse in childhood while 70 percent reported incest."**

Some might see this as a case against legalization, when really it is a case FOR it. Legalizing prostitution eliminates almost all of these things. While it won't prevent women from being abused in their own homes before becoming prostitutes, it does help insure that these women aren't re-victimized. And it's crucial to point out, too, that these women didn't suffer abuse because they were prostitutes, they suffered abuse because they were WOMEN. About 80% of the women I have known well enough to ask has confessed some form of abuse in childhood... and none of them were prostitutes. Let's don't confuse the sex-trade with the prevalence of rape and abuse in general.

More confusion can be found in the rhetoric of Feminists and Conservatives, who claim that the anti-prostitution laws protect women. Yet statistics show that 90% of those arrested are the prostitutes themselves. Additionally, 50% of street prostitutes are drug users, and this illegal and street-bound profession perpetuates this. So, in considering the viability of legalization, what are the negative aspects of prostitution in general? Most would say:

• Immorality
• Spread of disease,
• Infidelity
• Gateway into drug-use
• Degradation of women
• Property values in prostitution districts
• Exploitation of young women or men

Immorality--since the principals of right and wrong are largely subjective, we can only go by the degree or presence of harm, when making a judgment about immorality. If a person enjoys sex and engages in sexual activity with someone else who enjoys sex, and there is an equitable agreement that sex will be traded for money, and this harms no other person or causes no other equal or greater negative result, then how is it immoral? The most common argument in this regard stems from religiosity, and this, too, is highly subjective and has no basis in empirical fact. It is merely opinion by rote.

Disease--Statistics show that only 3 to 5% of STD's are prostitution-related, while 30-35% of STD cases are found in teenagers. (Sad commentary on the parenting issue). If the safeguards would include the use of condoms, and the testing for STD's in the employed Paid Sexual Companions, plus the proof of clean STD status in the customers, this would completely avoid the spread of sexually transmittable disease. More so, ironically, than adults who do this non-professionally, by merely being promiscuous.

Infidelity-- this is perhaps the one ethical drawback, as customers for PSC's could be married. I'm not sure there could be some way of insuring that customers were not married. Maybe being able to screen clients via legal ID, check marriage records, and even calling the spouse, if there is one, to verify that he or she gave consent. Many of those who seek sexual gratification in someone other than their spouse, do so because they have a loveless marriage and their needs aren't being met, or else, their needs are copious, and they believe those needs can't be met with just one person. My thought on this is that maybe people wouldn't get married or stay married if their needs weren't being met, because they can be single and get those needs met with a legalized PSC's. It might not cost any more than it would to go through the rituals of dating. This might actually help the stats for marriage and divorce. There might be both fewer marriages, and fewer divorces.

Gateway into Drug Use--drug use begins BEFORE the decision to be a prostitute, not after, as some believe. Individuals don't "dabble" in prostitution, and subsequently develop a drug habit. They develop a drug habit and often turn to selling themselves as a way to afford the drugs. The contrary is a misconception at least, and misinformation at worst.

Degradation of Women--the defining point of degradation seems to be subjective. Many women choose this trade for economical reasons, and don't necessarily enjoy it, or as stated, find themselves forced into it due to addiction or other economic precursors. Those women should be afforded other choices, and if they do not have those choices, then this is a geopolitical, economic and social services issue, and not one of morality. But many others enjoy sex and have their own copious need for sexual activity and so providing this service as a legal career allows them to meet their needs both sexually and financially, without all the negative consequences attached to illegal prostitution.

Property values-- in "red-light" districts, property values are notoriously low. This is due to the illegal nature of prostitution, and the environment it encourages. If prostitution was legalized and transferred to attractive establishments, and effectively removed from street corners, neighborhoods would not be downgraded, and those that were transformed from street prostitution to legalized brothels, would be able to enjoy the safety, normative property values, and aesthetic values such a legalization would offer. Property values are not contingent upon perceived morality of the inhabitants. They are contingent upon location, location, location, as real estate agents are fond of saying. This refers to the value of surrounding properties and the fiscal decisions by local governments. If a bordello is paying taxes, those monies can be used to maintain a quality neighborhood. And we all know sex sells and it will always sell.

Exploitation of young or under-privileged individuals-- madams and PSC's would benefit equally from the legal sex-trade arrangement, and the vocation would be one of consent rather than desperation. Since PSC's would have to be of legal age, this would prevent the exploitation of those below the age of consent. The under-privileged would have a legal means of supporting themselves in an environment that wouldn't compound the problem. Legalized prostitution would also reduce violence against women, since women and men in this vocation would be less likely to be in a position of danger, and more likely to report any misbehavior or abuse.

Within the milieu of prostitution as it stands, is the fact that prostitutes won't report abuse and rape, due to fear of being arrested for their illegal profession; though 80% of prostitutes have been raped 16 or more times per year. Accordingly, crimes against prostitutes are among the "safest" crimes to commit. Thus, the illegal status perpetuates violence against women and men who are prostitutes. Another 35 to 85% of prostitutes have suffered abuse in the form of rape, incest and molestation, mostly by family members, well before becoming a prostitute. Thus, the current laws make them victims again.

Contrary to popular belief, in comparing "House" prostitutes--those working from a house or other structure specifically for that purpose--and street prostitutes, 97% reported higher self-esteem. Surprisingly, statistics also show that abuse of prostitutes and women in general were about the same. So the violence against women is the issue here, not prostitution.

With these precepts in mind, here's how it would be plausible and beneficial:

If prostitution were legalized, and practitioners became Paid Sexual Companions, with the expected safe-guards, regulations and oversights in place, and it was mandatory to run the business from an actual building designed for it (a brothel/bordello), then this would, I believe, solve many, if not all, of the aforementioned issues. Some women have practiced prostitution for a short time, and prefer to call it "survival sex." If a woman feels that all she has to offer at any given time is her body, in order to survive, then first, she needs more options available.

Second, legalized prostitution would provide the PSC a place to live, regular income, and a support group. Women who have economical challenges or are single mothers, or otherwise lack appropriate resources, would be free to choose the vocation of PSC in lieu of homelessness and poverty. If these legal brothels also hire trained security guards or "bouncers" and implement educational opportunities for employees in the form of GED teachers or night classes in college, then the PSC is effectively building a future for her or himself, and any children the PSC may have. Arrangements could be made for a daycare nearby for those who live on-site. This would create a community of support that will allow the PSC to make other choices later, if he/she chooses, instead of spiraling into poverty, drug addiction, alcoholism and hopelessness.

So legalizing prostitution is at once a viable and feasible solution to the problems that illegal prostitution presents.

-------------------
*Prostitutes Education Network. http://www.bayswan.org/index.html
**"Prostitution: Fact sheet on Human Rights Violations" by Melissa Farley, PhD of Prostitution Research & Education. http://crime.about.com/od/prostitution/a/prostitution.htm

Red Light Needs a Green Light

The Hunter Conundrum

As writers and lifetime curious learners, Justice Harlow and I often have discussions about human nature and what-if scenarios. She proposed this one, and neither of us have been able to come up with a clever solution. Maybe there isn't one. Maybe it's also about defining what "Solution" means.

This is a delicious dilemma, because it's so hard to decide how to choose....

This situation comes up a lot when women are hunting in the woods...if they are alone or separated from those they know. (thats why you have to dress like a man when you hunt).


THE HUNTER'S CONUNDRUM

You are a female hunter in the "deer woods"--perched in a deer stand. Another male hunter is there, on the ground, and he keeps approaching, talking to you in a flirtatious way, suggesting the two of you engage in sexual activity.

He has made no overt threats, but you have an overwhelming feeling that he is dangerous. He says "There's no one out here but us...no one would ever know...Come on down, I'm not gonna hurt you--" and even fires his gun as if you will find this amusing.

He continues to try to get you to come down from the stand as you consider your options.

You know his gun is loaded because he fired it. Yours is loaded too.

You have no cell phone.

You are alone, isolated, a hour's walk from your vehicle. There have been no other hunters the entire time.

It's nearing dark, and the temperature is dropping. You had not planned to stay the night in the woods, and have no means to do so; you cannot remain in the deer stand, nor wait it out in any way, or you will risk frostbite or worse, freezing to death--the temperature will be dropping to 7 degrees.

You have to get out of that tree stand to get home. He has not left yet. He is still wandering around below, still making overt sexual overtures to you.

You are running out of daylight.

His advances escalate. He's like a dog with a bone and he seems more and more sinister with each passing moment.

In order to climb down, you have to shoulder your weapon...
he could do anything, no one out there to know. He was right about that. But "anything" might not be consensual. Your life could be in danger, your safety could be threatened in the very least. Yet you have no proof of that. He has said nothing directly threatening.

You know that any woman who has ever been in a situation where she is at the mercy of a potentially dangerous man, can attest to what happens in her head....the profound fear that wraps itself around your throat like the talons of some demon....

Frightened, You consider your options....

• You could shoulder your weapon, climb down and attempt to walk out of the woods regardless, taking the chance that he will not harm you. But, you understand that there is every possibility that he could shoot you, attack you, rape you, do anything he wants to you for as long as he wants, and you couldn't stop him. No one would know, and there would be no witnesses.
• You could shoot him in a non-lethal way. But then you'd have to deal with not only having shot a person who may or may not have been a real threat to you, but you wouldn't want him to bleed to death--you only want to get away from him safely. You'd have to get him help or otherwise get him out of the woods. And there's no guarantee that when you do wound him, he won't shoot you back in self-defense. You're a sitting duck in your position in the deer stand. HE can attempt to dodge a bullet and hide behind trees---you can't. But even if he doesn't return fire, or can't, somehow, and you do wound him, and then get him help, he could say, "that crazy bitch shot me!" and then you'll be arrested for attempted murder.
• You could shoot with a kill shot. No one knows where you are. No one would know who did it. You could then walk safely out of those woods and he would be found and everyone would think it was the usual unfortunate hunting accident, because he was shot with a common hunting caliber. Police could not connect the bullet to your gun because no one signs in and out of the deer woods, and there is no record of you having been there. You didn't even tell anyone you were going. But you're not even sure you can kill someone at all, much less, while knowing that they may not be an authentic threat to you.
• You could shoot him, report it to the police immediately afterward, and even say that he threatened to rape you as soon as you got down from the deer stand--even though you know he DIDN'T. (You know you'd probably have to say that to save your own skin, and knowing that he placed you in such a position that you had to think of your own well-being rather than his). It could be proven that he discharged his weapon, after all. Yet, that's not unusual in the deer woods. So he could completely contradict your story. He could make up some crazy story--say he bought you a drink in a bar one night, and you were insulted or whatever, and say you were waiting for him to walk by and you shot him.
• You could stay in the tree stand all night long, and risk frostbite or freezing to death. You'd take the chance he could shoot you. But you could also freeze to death because the temp is about 7 degrees at night.
• You could warn him to go away since you feel threathened by him, and that if he doesn't you will shoot him. He might go away. But he could hide and get you later. He could also decide HE is threatened by YOU, and shoot you. You would not be able to do anything but try to shoot back before he killed you. He could escape into the woods and sniper shoot you.
  

If you decide to kill him, you are killing someone because you are afraid of what his intentions MIGHT be.

Is it ok to kill someone because they may POSSIBLY intend to kill you or rape you?

WHAT WOULD YOU DO?


------------

My response:
If i could have gone into that situation with a concussive device that would render someone unconscious from a distance, that would be the only good solution....(perhaps someone needs to market a device like that for women hunters.....but for the purpose of this scenario, i probably wouldn't have that device).

So....the decision is still almost impossible to make. This is a situation where antagonist and protagonist, if you will, are both equally armed and have no other options for defense. If i TRULY felt he was dangerous to me, i would probably be secretly poised to shoot, engage him in confrontational conversation, hoping to provoke him to say something that was sinister enough for me to feel justified. I would have to have a high degree of fear to kill someone i wasn't sure was threatening me....Then, when he said just the wrong thing, i suppose i would have to shoot him in the head.)

The Hunter Conundrum

Mercy Kissing

Recently i was presented with an ethical dilemma which i initially found troublesome due to its lack of a clear path of reaction for me as an ethical person.

The situation, in a nutshell, was this:

During a visit at my home from a female friend, she came out to me as a lesbian, and confessed her attraction to me, and i was at once surprised and confused. I hadn't ever thought she saw me in a romantic way. That was not the dilemma. I felt like she put me on the spot, and i had little time to consider it. That wasn't really the dilemma either. The dilemma was that she was in a loveless marriage that had become, over the years, merely a convenient friendship due to the fact that she shared a child with this man. Since i overheard part of their conversation when he called during this visit, i was relatively certain that her framing of it was accurate. She stated that she was not after my heart, not seeking a committed relationship with me, and would be happy for me, should i find the right woman at some point. And though she had intimated earlier that she hoped we could have some sexual arrangement, all she wanted from me was "just this little moment." She said, "i want you to just take me in your arms and kiss me." That was uncomfortable enough, but when i hesitated, she started to cry. Everything in her life, she said, was about someone else. She gave-gave-gave, and never got anything for herself. She had felt this way about me since the first night we had coffee together. She just wanted to know what it was like, just for those few stolen moments.

Now, although she is an attractive woman, I was clear that I had nothing but platonic feelings for her, and that would have been simple enough to respond to in the proper fashion. But then when she cried, i began to wonder if i was making my hardline ethical choices more important than compassion. Which was more important for me to consider, if i wanted to be the best person i could be? I'm afraid I erred on the side of compassion.

Afterward, i reconsidered, and realized i was regretful. Perhaps i had made the wrong choice. The gray areas always get me in trouble.

Then i found a two-part solution in the counsel of my best friend, and in the words of John Varley, via his novel, Steel Beach. The first insight my friend offered was something like this:

"Can't you remember a time when you were crying and upset about something like that? Did you really need sex or a kiss?" So the question then became, Can i be compassionate without compromising my ethics? My friend suggested my response should have been, "I like you, you are an attractive woman, and i enjoy your company, but i consider us platonic. I think that what you really need is someone to offer compassion." Then i should have pulled her into my arms and let her cry, and just be supportive that way. When my friend suggested this, my first reaction was, "Why the hell didn't i think of that?"

I percolated on that whole concept for a few days. I knew that i would certainly handle it in that manner if the situation came up again. But my understanding was solidified only a few nights later, while I was reading the Varley Novel. The passage was:

"I have a short list of things I never do, and right near the top is surrendering to emotional blackmail. If there's a worse kind of sex than the charity fuck, I haven't heard about it. And her words could be read as the worst kind of whipped-puppy appeal and dammit, okay, she did have a right to act like a whipped puppy, but i hate whipped-puppies, I want to kick them for letting themselves be whipped...only the words didn't come out like that...."

And there was the answer to my ethical dilemma. It's not like i haven't been in this situation before, either. I have often let my soft heart make my decisions, rather than my good sense. I should not be blinded by the suggestion that there is only one way to show compassion. And if anyone puts me in that position, i am not obligated to comply in the way they had in mind, and they ought to be ashamed for enlisting the ruse of emotional blackmail.

Maybe there is always a solution, even when the situation seems to tie me in a knot. The knot doesn't have to be Gordian. I can just do what Alexander the Great did, and CUT it.

Mercy Kissing

Nightmare Dates: The Actress with a Bad Vibe

Okay, so this last July, i met this woman online from Topeka. She had been an actress in LA a few years ago, nothing huge, just bit parts and commercials. She did have a speaking role in The Bachelor. Anyway, we emailed and talked on the phone a few times, and then planned to meet. She drove down one weekend to my house. That's the bad part about long distance dating-- especially when you first meet someone. It's inevitable that they will be at your house, or you at theirs for a day or two. This can lead to all kinds of complications, and i have written about that, quite a bit...anyway.

She arrived, and the first RED FLAG was that she got out of her SUV, and began unloading her luggage. She had one of those huge bags on rollers with a handle, an overnight bag, and a couple of hangers with clothes. I thought "Damn, is she moving in?" She was only to be here two days!

So i greeted her, and helped her carry her BAGGAGE in.

The second RED FLAG was that she didn't look much like the pictures she sent me. Quite a bit heavier, for one thing, but i overlooked that, if only because i had learned she used to be a BBW, and had lost about a hundred pounds. Soon, we were on our way to Dixon street to go have dinner. I noticed this odd discomfort with her. Like, i didn't have anything to say. (not usual for me). I was getting this weird vibe. After dinner, we went down the street to Willy D's, a piano bar.We ordered drinks, and then soon the entertainment started. What i had in mind was some soft Billy Joel-type thing in the background, so we could have a conversation. What we got was a roomful of drunk college kids and a guy and girl playing dueling pianos like it was some Broadway show. So we spent a lot of time leaning over to talk, and shouting over the music. Sometimes the leaning over part is okay, if there's a spark-factor, but for me, there wasn't. Still, i soldiered on, because i thought maybe we could at least be friends.

As the evening wore on, i kept getting this weird vibe. Now, part of that is that i am very empathic and a person's energy is something i FEEL. So i just thought maybe we were off in that department. Eventually, we made our way back home, and there was that inevitable awkwardness. I decided we should keep drinking.

She had brought vanilla vodka and had that with Coke, and i had a raspberry twisted. We sat on the sofa and talked, and the more we did that, the more i knew she had a screw loose. She talked about herself a lot, as in how many famous people she knew, how great an actress she was, how most other actresses sucked, and so on.

I suggested that we watch some short films i had on DVD, that i hadn't watched yet, and soon she was asking for my massage skills...i knew what that meant. I do give massages every now and then, and have a massage table in the guest room. But the last thing i wanted to do was have my hands on her, rubbing warm oil around....so i told her my hands were bothering me, because i had been giving lots of massages. She took that as her cue to RUB MY HANDS. She reached for one, and i jerked it back like I'd touched a preheated stove.

Finally, i acquiesced, feeling it couldn't be that bad. But of course, then she wanted to touch me in other places, and I'm sure she was at least a few times trying to line herself up for a kiss. I avoided that like a flesh eating virus.

She was knocking back the vodka pretty good, and getting a bit tipsy. The more she drank, the more obnoxious and loud she got. She would stand in front of the television, while the movie was playing and talk talk talk...gesticulating and offering criticism of various actors, directors, scripts, etc.

Add to that, the fact that she was 38, and had told me she'd only had sex with ONE person, one time, and I was really clear that there was a pertinent reason. Between her personality and her fucked up energy, I'm sure plenty of women have felt what i was feeling from her...and knew better than to entertain the idea of intimate relations with her.

I announced that the coolers were going straight through me, and excused myself to go to the bathroom. I stood in there, leaning against the door and feeling so uncomfortable that i thought my head would explode. I have never been so uncomfortable in my own home, and never felt so trapped either. She wasn't leaving until the next day.

Long story short, I couldn't wait to get her out of my house. I can't even be friends with someone like that, much less date them.

And i never did figure out what she must have packed in all those suitcases.

Nightmare Dates: The Actress with a Bad Vibe

Jersey, Wawa, and Little Miss Delaware

I just returned from a week in New Jersey, visiting a couple of friends. There are always dangers in big cities and always dangerous cities in every state. I knew that, and still, I had my own apprehensions; especially since a new report listed Camden as the most dangerous city in the nation. But i wasn't in Camden. And everyone outside Camden knows to avoid Camden. Apparently, even the Camden Criminals know to stay within Camden. Or something like that. But I was in Glendora, and it reminded me very much of Colorado Springs. Clean, relatively safe, and not at all threatening. Jersey gets a bad rap, maybe

My friends took me to Atlantic City and we went to a casino for the buffet. I had crab legs, primarily. Then we strolled along the boardwalk and then the beach, where i stared out at the ocean, watched the beautiful waves cresting, ebbing and sluicing onto the sand, and thought of how romantic it would have been if i had been holding hands with a girl of my own. I knew this was something i could thoroughly enjoy in the right circumstances. One of my friends found me some beautiful shells and I told the other she had to find me something too, so she soon handed me a rock. (Thanks, that was special). It was nice to be able to look for shells on a real beach--unlike my experience with the Gulf Coast.

A few days later, the Rock Giver and i took a walk in an actual city park. That's something--inane as it sounds--I've never done. It was a meaningful bonding experience for us, even though it was so cold that we were numb when we got back to the car. Again, i thought of how romantic it would have been to walk with a special someone (not that she wasn't special, Oh Giver of Rocks, but she was SPOKEN FOR!).

One of the more appealing things about the Glendora area of Jersey was the presence of a Wawa store on almost every corner. I love my coffee and Wawa is a dreamy place for any java connoisseur. There are always about 20 different flavors of coffee in carafes with all the condiments to make even Juan Valdez weak-kneed. And then there's all manner of snicky-snacks, like bagels and cream-cheese filled soft pretzels, and fruit cups and cheese and sausage trays--all fresh. I didn't even get a chance to sample the deli, but the selection was also impressive. It was the sort of convenience store that other convenience stores aspire to be. I could live there. We stopped several times a day while on our drives.

Another plus is that New York and D.C. are only 2 hours away, Philly is 20 minutes, and there is a plethora of cultural and social activities to be had. The Philly library alone held dozens of meetings and events for the Same Gender Loving folks, and the newspaper was full of other activities and social opportunities. Everywhere we went, i noticed, too, THE WOMEN...gorgeous, educated, cultured...it was all i could do not to rub my hands together in glee and cackle with delight.

I did have a rather rude awakening at the club BOUNCE we went to. A sweet young thang was "dancing at me" so i joined her on the dancefloor and exchanged a few ear-chats, learning that she was from Delaware, and came down to this club once every two weeks. The girl was hot, and i discovered a few raw hormones for the next several minutes, having a large time watching her gyrate and undulate, until i found out she was 18.

"Oh my god. I almost went to jail," I said. "I'm way too old to be dancing with you."

"No you're not!" she enthused.

She could not imagine the disturbing twinge that shot through me when i realized that i was actually entertaining some less than chaste fantasies involving she and I and a can of whipped cream. Little Miss Delaware was Unaware. I broke away and spent the next few minutes reacquainting myself with the sensation of air in my lungs and the burn in my leg muscles, and trying desperately to quell the burn in other areas.

Jersey, Wawa, and Little Miss Delaware