Too Much World: A Look at Highly Sensitive People

In an article in Psychology Today,* I again found comfort in the knowledge that there are others like me out there, and my particular brand of weirdness is not "damage" but an inherent brain architecture I am born with. Just like others are born with blue eyes or musical ability.

I speak of those in our species who live with Sensory Processing Sensitivity, which is the scientific term for this trait. More colloquially, it is known as HSP- Highly Sensitive Person, a collection of traits that was identified in pioneering research by Elaine Aron, PhD. 

Regarding the nature of HSP's, Aron tells us:

• Your trait is normal. It is found in 15 to 20% of the population--too many to be a disorder, but not enough to be well understood by the majority of those around you.
• It is innate. In fact, biologists have found it to be in most or all animals, from fruit flies and fish to dogs, cats, horses, and primates. This trait reflects a certain type of survival strategy, being observant before acting. The brains of highly sensitive persons (HSPs) actually work a little differently than others'.
• You are more aware than others of subtleties. This is mainly because your brain processes information and reflects on it more deeply. So even if you wear glasses, for example, you see more than others by noticing more.
• You are also more easily overwhelmed. If you notice everything, you are naturally going to be overstimulated when things are too intense, complex, chaotic, or novel for a long time.
• This trait is not a new discovery, but it has been misunderstood. Because HSPs prefer to look before entering new situations, they are often called "shy." But shyness is learned, not innate. In fact, 30% of HSPs are extraverts, although the trait is often mislabeled as introversion. It has also been called inhibitedness, fearfulness, or neuroticism. Some HSPs behave in these ways, but it is not innate to do so and not the basic trait.
• Sensitivity is valued differently in different cultures. In cultures where it is not valued, HSPs tend to have low self-esteem. They are told "don't be so sensitive" so that they feel abnormal.

So each time I find an article about it, I read it with hunger, because it serves to validate me as a worthy human being with special skills that are often misunderstood, but are also responsible for providing the world with some of the greatest, art, music and writing we have ever known. It tends to concentrate itself in creative people, or perhaps more accurately, creative people are more often than not, HSP's.

In regard to Why it’s hard to be a highly sensitive (HSP) introvert then, I felt I could have actually written this article--meaning, the author echoes so many of the particular idiosyncratic things about myself that are so hard to explain to others. Some of my reactions are not quite as extreme, but this has only been true in the last ten years, since finding a balance in certain areas; but overall, she describes ME in this article. Like:

"As a highly sensitive person who needs to minimize auditory stimuli, I don't do well when another person likes having TV or loud music on all the time as background noise. I'm extremely sensitive to other people's moods; when someone is angry, judgmental or irritated, those emotions come through my skin and into my cells, making me even more uncomfortable. Worst of all, if I don't have my own space to retreat to and recharge, I'll eventually have a meltdown."

I recall one incident at my best friend's house where I was trying so hard to hear the TV over the other stimuli in the room. My friend was talking on the phone, her ancient, diapered, toothless poodle was walking back and forth in front of me making a smack smack smack nose along with a sound that was like hoo-hoo followed by some grunt one would normally only hear an old man with dementia. Perhaps ironically, I kept turning the TV up louder because I couldn't understand what was being said in the program I was watching. I even drew a cartoon of this event, and gave it to my friend, which to this day, she laughs about.

The reason for this is, as an HSP, I have a hard time filtering out stimuli. I hear all the sounds at once. For me, this tends to blend into one droning dirge that becomes some version of auditory torture.  Add to that the other senses of sight, smell, tactility, and include being empathic and sensing the emotions of others, and it's a cocktail for that meltdown she mentions. Dr. Biali continues,

"As an introvert, being around other people drains me (as opposed to extraverts, who gain energy being around other people). That doesn't mean I don't like being with others, in fact I love it - but I can only do it for so long before I have to go into my cave and refuel."

I am this way as well, but it does depend primarily on who those people are. If they are people I know well, who aren't energy-vampires, then I absolutely ADORE being with them. But even so, I do need recovery time after a highly social event. It's a precarious and delicate balance and I have had to learn to read myself well, and know when it's time for me to make my exit, curl up on the sofa in front of the fireplace with a book or magazine, or watch TV. I don't necessarily have to have silence to recharge. I just have to have control over the content and do something that relaxes me. Often, the best thing for me is to watch a program I enjoy, or journal or paint a picture, or get out the clay and sculpt something. 

Biali also nails it with her comments about phones....

"I don't like being on the phone. The only exception is talking to my husband while we're apart, or someone else who I'm so similar to that there's an effortless endless flow of conversation. I dislike awkward silences or pressure to come up with fascinating conversation topics, even with people I know well...What they don't realize is that I really don't call almost anyone "just to chat", unless I have a specific reason that I need to to talk to them - it's not personal, and I keep asking Armando to explain that to them! Email and Facebook are completely different, I love to communicate that way..." 

I can talk for hours with my best friend, but she knows me so well and our conversations are effortless and they flow and they are full of interesting and entertaining things. I do, however always have to have a headset or Bluetooth, because I can't bear the sensation of being trapped by the phone. It took a while for me to realize that part of my problem with being on the phone was because it was usually plugged into a wall, and I didn't have my hands free, either, and couldn't move around. Now, with cell phones, and headsets and blue tooth, I can clean house, or go refill coffee or whatever, while talking, so I don't feel trapped. I also prefer emails and Facebook and texts most of the time, because I have complete control over that, and it's not a demand, like a ringing phone can be. Though my first choice will always be a one-on-one interaction with someone whose company I enjoy.

Curiously, I am also weird about knocks on the door, or the doorbell. I actually have a stress-response to that, to include a pounding heart and a little trouble breathing, because it's a sudden, unexpected sound. And it also represents a demand; someone trying to get in, and I don't know who at that moment...and I have tragic fantasies about it being a robber or a rapist. This is why (since i live alone) I always answer the door with my gun behind my back, if I don't know the person knocking or ringing. 

"As an HSP, I also pick up all kinds of subtleties in people's voices or comments that make me uncomfortable if they have personal (negative) significance. This intuitive sensitivity works really well when I work as a personal coach over the phone, as I'm able to pick up what's behind a client's words and use it to unblock them or help them move forward, but in personal conversations it can be too much information."

I have the same experience, here, as well. I prefer one-on-one communication, because I have a better chance of picking up on body language and visual cues, so that it's easier to discern meaning accurately. And even then, if I sense any negativity directed at me, personally, it can feel very much like a wound. That old childhood chant, "Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never harm me" just simply isn't true for me as an HSP. Words do just as much harm to me as a physical assault.

In an article by Dr. Aron, she quotes Pearl S. Buck, the first American woman to win the Nobel Prize in Literature, on the creative mind. I believe that Buck was, herself, an HSP, which is easily seen by her understanding of how we think and feel:

"The truly creative mind in any field is no more than this: A human creature born abnormally, inhumanely sensitive. To them... a touch is a blow, a sound is a noise, a misfortune is a tragedy, a joy is an ecstasy, a friend is a lover, a lover is a god, and failure is death. Add to this cruelly delicate organism the overpowering necessity to create, create, create -- so that without the creating of music or poetry or books or buildings or something of meaning, their very breath is cut off...They must create, must pour out creation. By some strange, unknown, inward urgency they are not really alive unless they are creating."

That is the very quintessence of what it's like to be an HSP. There will, of course, be variants within any group, because humans are highly individual and influenced by their surroundings and experiences and various other biological and genetic precursors and tendencies, but overall, I feel it is a trait that can be identified quite readily. 

I believe also, that many, of not most, of the greatest, most influential creative minds throughout history, have been HSP's. It would explain the propensity toward depression, isolation, oddness but also their ability to zero in on the subtleties of our existence, and create artful representations of what they see and feel below the surface of things. Those creative people for whom we have personal detail are often the ones who could be identified retrospectively as HSP's. Before I knew about this particular trait, I wrote an article which I posted on this blog, that touches on many of these correlations, called Intelligence, Creativity & Depressive Realism.

The list of notable and historical HSP's is impressive, and it does tend to draw the highly sensitive people out of the ranks of oddity, and into the light of human contribution. People like:

Steven Spielberg, Dalai Lama, Harry S. Truman, Martin Luther King, Leonardo Da Vinci, Vincent Van Gogh, Salvador Dali, Georgia O'Keefe, John Coltrane,  Beethoven, Mozart, Morrissey, Tori Amos, Bjork, Jewel, Alanis Morissette, Leonard Cohen,  Kurt Cobain, Michael Stipe, Chris Isaak, Neil Finn, John Lennon, Sir Thomas Moore, E.E. Cummings, Hermann Hesse, Sylvia Plath, Anne Sexton, Allen Ginsburg, Fyodor Dostoevsky, Edgar Allen Poe, Ralph Waldo Emerson, Emily Dickinson, Woody Allen, Judy Garland, Jim Carey, Mira Sorvino, Adrien Brody, Melanie Griffith, Kim Basinger, Anthony Hopkins, Drew Barrymore, Glenn Close, Mr. Rogers, Andy Kaufman, Jon Favreau, Greta Garbo, Joaquin Phoenix, Elijah Wood, Kevin Kline, David Hyde Pierce, Anton Chekhov, James Baldwin, Kahlil Gibran, DH Lawrence, Henry David Thoreau, Robert Frost, Walt Whitman, Tennessee Williams, Janis Joplin, Billie Holliday, Moby, Natalie Merchant, Bob Dylan, Franz Kafka, Deepak Chopra, Marianne Williamson, Sarah McLaughlin, Celine Dion, Enya, Neil Young, Janis Ian, Picasso, Einstein, Abraham Lincoln, Franklin D. Roosevelt, Eleanor Roosevelt....

With only a partial list like that, it's easy to see the contributions that HSP's have made in this world. And thus, more difficult to dismiss them as different, introverted, eccentric, crazy, or in the pejorative sense, too sensitive. Being an unwitting HSP is most likely the cause of many tragic stories in the creative community, and I believe that many of those creatives who escape through drugs and alcohol and extreme behavior, or who attempt or commit suicide are probably HSP's, simply because they can be so easily overwhelmed, and without healthy coping skills to live in this world, it becomes too much for them.

I have a foot in many creative things. I am an author (I write in 14 genres, but love writing books, and have authored 24 of them to date), an artist (painting, sculpting, pottery, mixed media, photography ), singer-songwriter (over 200 songwriting credits and formerly co-founder and member of two bands). If being HSP means expressing myself creatively, I am definitely a prime example. But long ago, I realized that  this world would kill me, if I didn't figure out how to exist here within the parameters of who I am. In my younger years, I tested almost exclusively right-brain dominate. So I developed my left-brain over many years, and even elevated my IQ. (For a long time it was believed that you are born with a certain IQ and it couldn't be changed, but now, with all the research into the neuroplasticity of the brain, we know that intelligence can indeed be increased. I took myself from a 120 IQ to 149). I learned about philosophy and logic and disjunctive reasoning, so that today, I test whole-brain. And I think it's what saved me. This did not suffocate my creativity, however. In fact, it served to inform and expand this area. But it comes with its own sets of issues. For instance, I can feel one way emotionally, but also feel another way intellectually.  While this can often be a battle of wills inside my mind, and make me feel I have two personalities, overall, it serves to temper me; it offers me some balance that keeps me from falling into the sensitivity void.  It didn't make me any less of an HSP. It just allowed me to survive. It's still a challenge to be who I am. As I have said before, Am I too much for the world, or is the world too much for me?

 *If you think you might be an HSP, take the self-test to find out.

-----------------------------------------------

[1] Why it’s hard to be a highly sensitive (HSP) introvert. Highly sensitive (HSP) introverts - misperceived by a noisy extraverted world. Published on August 23, 2010 by Dr. Susan Biali, M.D. in Prescriptions for Life

Too Much World: A Look at Highly Sensitive People

Id, Ego, Super-Ego & the Social Security Number

I slept fitfully all night. A pervasive anxiety crept through me until I began to fidget with restless legs. A couple of times I woke up feeling like I couldn't breathe. Like I was underwater and there was no surface in either direction. I didn't know if I was up or down....I only knew I was going to drown. (Song Lyric alert).

Lest anyone think me too self-possessed, I will admit that what tossed me and turned me was not the plotting problems of my newest novel, but plain old insecurity. I went to sleep thinking about the phone conversation I had just had with someone new--worrying about the impression I might have inadvertently made on her--someone I am to meet soon, maybe this weekend. So there you are. Dear Readers, Jae is hand-wringing, afraid she might not be perceived as good enough.

Until just recently, I had been isolated for an extended period, and aside from mostly talking to my longtime friends on the phone, most of my time was spent in my own head and my own creative process. Though I have become quite comfortable talking to my cats, and to myself, it's not the same with other humans. It really is true, that when you become isolated too long, and everyone you talk to knows you like they know their own social security number, you UNlearn how to be with brand new people. And I for one, am having a "Number" done on me, about Social Security. And the beast who's doing a number on me is a component of my psyche. The Id portion of my brain makes me say things I probably shouldn't say, and the Super Ego eggs it on--I should start calling that the Super-EGGO.  And there's my Ego, being squished between them, endeavoring to inject a little restraint to the Id. (leggo my Eggo!) 

I am astute enough to understand that since I have so rarely been able to SHARE myself in any genuine way, and have been without the comfort of companionship and the machinations of social activity and acceptance, that i am hungry. Hungry for communication, hungry for company, hungry for acceptance, acknowledgment, hungry to be touched and loved.  As Shakespeare said, "That way madness lies." 

But at any rate, it then tortures me with those aforementioned "Social Security Numbers. " Like the ones that came into my mind during and after the phone call: She was really tired when she called and she told you that. But you kept talking, didn't you? You are too much for people. They think you're arrogant, maybe even selfish. You shouldn't have said all that stuff about rattling cages, and how much you like to do it. Do you have to say out loud every fucking thing that pops into your mind? No one cares! Now she thinks you're a trouble maker and you will embarrass her in public. Why can't you ever dial it back? No one wants to know your details. You can't ever just sit there and smile and be mysterious? You will never make friends or find a partner or even a date, because you don't know how to shut the fuck up.

That's pretty much the monologue going on in my head. I'm paranoid that I have given an incorrect and incomplete impression of myself, because I'm so accustomed to talking to people who not only know me, but understand me--and more importantly, have shown they completely accept me. i don't have to give them the backstory, because they already know it, and the assessments have been made, and I have been stamped ACCEPTED and invited on through the gate. 

But I can't go at it like that with new people in my life. I'll sabotage the whole thing. I get so excited to have people physically in my life again, that I overdo it. I try too hard to be worthy, and in so doing, and with irony, project unworthiness. Now, my Super-Ego starts spitting disgust at me that I am worthy and who gives a damn what anyone else thinks? And my Id laments that I will always be alone, and probably die that way. Where is my Ego? Maybe I need to start feeding that. There's such a negative connotation to Ego. Most people don't think of Freud's definition. They think ego=arrogance, pride. I know that in general neurological terms, the Ego is the residence of defense mechanisms and cognitive functions like memory, reason, judgment, tolerance, self-control, information processing, defenses, and people skills. If you accept Freud's model, then the Ego is the consciousness. The referee between the Id and the Super-Ego. 

Regardless, it all has its thick, dirty fingers around my throat.

It occurs to me that this problem should not have so much power to do damage. I mean, I survived and conquered being crippled, being  homeless and penniless, being friendless, familyless, and agoraphobic. And this little portion of my brain is going to take me down?

Maybe.

Id, Ego, Super-Ego & the Social Security Number

I Don't Keep Hoardly Anything

....Looking at the Hoard Mentality

Every so often, when I'm doing Spring cleaning, or having guests over I want to impress, I look around and think: Hark! I might be mental. I think I'm a hoarder. I'm reorganizing and cleaning, and everywhere I have things that need a place to go, and then I ask myself, why do I have so many things? I know it is my lack mentality. I did without, and was always broke my whole life, and so now it's a habit to hang onto things just in case. Every time I had let go of something, I needed it later, and then I had to buy it, which cost more money that I needed for other things, which meant I would not have enough money to go around. . . So it's more a Lack Mentality than a Hoard Mentality. Maybe I need to light a match and set it all on fire in the back yard. Then I'd get a ticket because of the burn ban, and that would cost MORE MONEY. Grr.

I'm not at all suggesting that my clutter is indicative of any real mental illness. I regularly go through things and take it to thrift stores, sell on eBay, or simply throw it away. And in the recent past, I did get on a kick of collecting odd, funny or unique cigarette lighters. Got rid of those after a while. I only need ONE after all. And then I accidentally started collecting sunglasses. It was easy because I only bought them at the dollar store, so they aren't in any way interfering with my finances. And I like being able to choose among a collection of them depending on my needs and my mood. I still have about 20 pairs. If I break them, or scratch the lenses, I simply throw them away. Innocuous enough.

But there are many people who seriously have a problem with hoarding things. It could be papers, movies, trinkets, clothes, shoes...or even animals. I knew two women who lived together for many years, and their house was a labyrinth of "stuff"--hundreds of video tapes stored in shelves that lined the walls ceiling to floor, stacks of papers with an inch of dust on them, dirt, grime, and 5 large dogs that ran the house. They always had a roach and flea issue that was out of control.

I think there is some inherent security in this Stuff-Mongering. And I can see how animals would be one of the hardest things to let go of, even when you have way too many of them. They are living and breathing and you have some kind of benefit from them in company, love, and affection and even entertainment. I am frequently entertained by my two cats. But I'm really clear that I don't need 20 of them. Even though I am fond of making jokes about myself in that regard--that I will probably end up that crazy old lady in the big house with all the cats. But I don't really believe it will come to that. Not really. I'm way too stable in my psychology.

Contrarily, I know of someone in Texas who has 7 dogs, 2 parrots, 9 cats, 2 pot belly pigs, 17 tropical fish, and 13 Pygmy goats. While she does not yet have a partridge in a pear tree, she does speak of wanting a Fennec Fox, and is also in the market for a monkey. She does not live on a farm. And they don't all live in her house. The goats are outside.

Now if this was a farm, I'd understand. But it's not. She doesn't milk the goats and they will not let her get near them. The parrots don't talk, but they do screech a lot, and she has to keep them separated so one won't snap off the toes of the other. (That happened twice already and the vet bill was staggering--as most of her vet bills are). The cats are not declawed because she believes that removing their claws is psychologically damaging to them--and thus, they destroy her furniture. She also doesn't have them spayed because that's also some kind of crime against nature. So her cat family continues to grow exponentially as one or two of them have kittens. She hasn't been able to eat at her kitchen table in years, because the cats like to lounge there and it's full of fur. The pot belly pigs have rooted holes in the carpeting under her bedroom door because they want to come in and sleep in the bed with her. But the cats get mad. So she makes the pigs stay outside the bedroom. Where they pee, because THEY are mad.

Her tropical fish require specialized water, tank and maintenance. The dogs sleep on the bed when they want, on the furniture, where they summarily dig holes, and often take a wizz on the furniture too, if they are "afraid" of guests, or "just marking their territory." She doesn't breed any of these animals to sell. They don't produce anything in return for her trouble. Yet, she insists she could not live without them, and that she understands them as they do her, and she has this symbiotic and spiritual relationship with all of them. An erstwhile Dr. Doolittle sans medication.

All these animals occupy a grand majority of her time, interfere with her life, her plans, her autonomy, and her relationships. They cost her shocking amounts of money, and not only does she shell it out, but talks of buying more land for the goats, building huge playhouses for the dogs and cats. She has to get up at 3 every morning to get all the care and feeding taken care of before she drives to the Post Office to deliver mail for the day. Once when she had to go out of town for a funeral, it cost her $5000 to pay someone to take care of it all. Her neighbors call her home "The Ark." And I'm sure they're hoping for a heavy rain so she'll float away with her self-imposed zoo.

Forgive my bluntness, but this woman is mentally ill. Not even on the precipice of mental illness. She has leaped with no parachute into the crazy void. And she wasn't always that bad. It started small and then just continued over a period of years until it reached a point of complete and utter obsession and delusion. I believe it is the manifestation of a severe Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

Healthy people who feel such an affinity with animals usually just become veterinarians, or animal breeders, or they have animals that in some way pay for themselves as in chickens who lay eggs, Parrots that sell for $500 to $1000 each, Llamas who can be shorn and their coat sold for various other products to be made. Sometimes people who have lots of animals live on farms and the animals are part of that process, but aren't viewed as pets, except for the occasional dog or cat. This in no way describes those who collect animals for no apparent sensible reason. These collections are just money pits. Fer godssake, get rid of all those animals and get a job at the zoo! I understand feeling a connection to a certain animal, but do you need to have 17 fish and 33 non-water-bound animals to remain connected?

Now, I feel a connection with dolphins somehow, but I'm not gonna build a big aqua park in my back yard and buy some dolphins to put in it. I'll just watch them on TV and say "Aren't they pretty?" And maybe one day I'll get to swim with one. But I won't try to collect the dolphins. I did that once, years ago--not with REAL dolphins, but dolphin trinkets. It started with one or two and then word got around that I "liked dolphins" and then every birthday, Christmas or freakin' Ground Hog day, I got another dolphin trinket. Then one day I was dusting that huge shelf of dolphin trinkets and I thought--why am I doing this? Why do I need all these? And it ended there. I sold some at a garage sale, and the rest I gave to thrift.

One of the pertinent questions to ask yourself, I believe, is Does this collection get in the way of actually living my life? Another question is, Do I USE this, or gain anything tangible from it, or just look at it? and another is, Do I have to spend extra money for space to store or keep these things?

In the case of those who tend to collect animals--notwithstanding those like Charles Darwin who are scientists, studying them--I think it must be some kind of coping mechanism gone awry--a live creature who loves you unconditionally, is sometimes easy to get addicted to, if you're needy that way. And pets don't demand that you look good, don't care if you're smart or a good conversationalist. Pets don't care what you drive, what you wear, or if you're naked. Or crazy. They are happy to have food and water and a little affection. It's the simplest relationship to maintain. And also one that often leads to a degeneration in social skills and isolation.

I knew a woman who had several dogs, and several cats, and her house stank all the time of urine and feces, and there was always some present on the floor in the kitchen, and hair on the counters, and she could never go anywhere for any amount of time because she couldn't stay away that long. The piddle pads would be full, you see. And inevitably, they missed the piddle pad. Then her carpet was ruined. She'd burn incense when guests (rarely) would come by. She never had a second date with anyone after they came to her home, because they never wanted to come to her house again.

Having too many pets is a way, quite often, for people to avoid having any real human relationships. If this is the case, then there is the obvious question, Why are you afraid to have real human relationships? And maybe another question is, What gaping void in your psyche are you trying to fill? I believe that most if not all of these types of people have a history of abuse, or abandonment. So their solution is to stock their existence with many beings who will do neither.

There is paltry research on those who hoard herds, flocks, clutches, gaggles, and schools of animals. But it's an obvious problem when there are companies who can make a living cleaning up the chaos that is left behind when one of these people finally dies and is found amid the menagerie. Often, having been used as food by their beloved "pets."

I Don't Keep Hoardly Anything

People Are Just M&M's.

Once again, the exception proves the rule. People are just M&M's.

They live in their delusion that they are different, but they are all the same except different colors of the same thing. Their taste remains constant, in spite of what the outside color may suggest. They might have a candy coating, but that's just the lies they tell themselves and others; sometimes they are simply a NUT inside.

They might think they're different, but they're not; they're in the bag with all the other M&M's, and so they lull themselves into a false sense of security because they are surrounded by others like them.

And when you try to hold them, they melt in your hand. And you get blamed for the mess, because you had an authentic, warm hand.

People Are Just M&M's.

I Love My Shoes

Yesterday, I wrote a blog about Biscuit, my cat who has S.A.D, O.C.D, and B.P.D. and EIEIO...

My other cat, Shoes, found out, and was really pissed. I promised her I'd write a blog about her too, so here it goes.

Shoes named herself. I saw her little white markings on her feet and thought of “Socks” and Boots” but those were too trite. Then she climbed halfway in one of my shoes and mewed at me and I went. “Oh…Shoes, is it?” So she named herself, and had a way of acting like I was pretty stupid not to think of it before she had to show me.

She quickly developed a tendency to fall down on the floor and turn over to show me her belly. In this photo, she is saying, "Mommy! Look at my panniculus!" *

When I first brought her home, she wasn’t quite old enough to be declawed yet, and that’s usually not a big deal. But Shoes was another story. My best friend stayed over one night and whenever we’d close our eyes to go to sleep, she would see our eyes moving under our eyelids, and she’d rear up and then pounce on our eyes with both feet. It was so charming and comical, but not worth losing any eyeballs over. We had to buy swim goggles to sleep in, for our own safety. She pounced on them just to teach us a lesson. We didn’t get much sleep. But I can’t help but laugh. Cats are just so much fun. I like that they’re so independent. You can’t boss a cat around.Thus, I respect them.

Other personality traits in Shoes include an unhealthy appetite for tape and other things that have glue on them. I bet she’d eat some paste if I bought her some. Glue-eating isn't all that unusual. Kindergarten kids do it all the time. (though i never developed a taste for it, myself). Shoes also says "mama" to me…I actually made an effort to teach her to do this, so the first time she "said" it, I was a proud parent. Although it sounds more like "Meh-Meh” than "mama", but I'm sure it's some evolutionary constraint that she can't help.

She will aggravate me when she needs something and is relentless until I give in and follow her to wherever the issue is. It’s usually either the litterbox, the food bowl or the water. (ah, the simple life.) If it’s not one of those, it's that she wants me to pay attention ("Look what I can do!") Sometimes it's that she wants me to sing to her. I did a lot of music when she was a kitten, and she is definitely a music lover. I’d catch her perched next to my studio mic, chirping into it, “MehMeh!” Pretty smart. One time she actually came and told me when Biscuit got her neck caught in the handle of a plastic sack (no doubt, due to her sack-licking obsession...a testimony to the dangers of addiction). Shoes came and screamed at me and led me upstairs, sitting down and waiting, until i understood, when Biscuit came flying through the living room, with a sack billowing out behind her like a parachute. (Now i cut the handles to all sacks).

But if on occasion, calling to me doesn’t work, Shoes will start knocking things in the floor. Usually it’s not breakables. She seems fond of paper. She’ll paddle at a piece of paper until she swipes it to the floor. And then when i reprimand her, she does what no other cat I've ever had does: she runs TOWARD me. Now, most cats, when you yell at them, run AWAY. Not Shoes. She trots over to me and asks me why I'm mad. She's also not afraid of other people, nor thunderstorms. Sniff sniff. Mommy's so proud.

I just told her i wrote a blog about her too, and she said, "It's about time." and knocked my stapler in the floor.
----------------------------
*Panniculus-- a layer of tissue, esp. a subcutaneous layer of fat.

I Love My Shoes

Mental Biscuit

After spending a good 16 hours in my basement office, my feet were stinging cold. When I climbed into bed to continue reading my John Varley novel, I kept being distracted by two things—my feet, of course, and my cat, Biscuit.

I solved the feet problem by nuking one of those gel packs. My feet were then warming up under the covers, but Biscuit was still doing her best to let me know she knew it was bedtime, and that’s when she begins her rituals.

First, it’s blocking my path and mewing, and slithering in and out of my ankles. Then it’s jumping on the bed to await me, still talking in her little kitty voice. She never ceases to be excited when I announce it’s bedtime. Maybe she has a short term memory and forgot that she did the same thing last night and the night before, and on into every previous night since her adoption. I wish i could remain that enthused by something i do every single day of my life.

Regardless, this feline has a screw loose, but that’s usually why I find her so charming. I named her for the incessant biscuit-making she does on any available soft surface. If that’s my chest or my stomach, she’s fine with that. Problem is, she does it for a long long time, and even a tactile person like myself can get a little annoyed by her fervor. I know she can’t help it—I didn’t know that at the time of her adoption, she wasn't yet weaned, but it explains a lot now. Her biscuit-making is an instinctual response—she’s essentially nursing while doing that. I’m afraid this led to her being OCD, though. She has other behaviors that echo this unfulfilled need, though I’ve yet to figure out exactly what they do for her. For instance, she likes to lick plastic sacks. I thought at first it was because there was something delicious spilled on them, but when she did it to all sacks, spilled food or not, I realized she had a plastic sack addiction. I don’t think there are any support groups for that. At least not for cats. I wouldn't be surprised if there were some for people who like to lick sacks. Stranger groups have formed.

Biscuit also likes to lay on the top of the recliner, her legs dangling on either side (see photographic illustration). I think she might also have Borderline Personality Disorder…(I’ve always thought that label was misleading…it’s like “I almost have a personalty, but not quite…I’m right on the border…”) anyway, I think she might be BPD, because she gets all up in my fruit loops all the time, but when I try to pet her, she pulls away. She’s better about that than she used to be, but really—when I’m trying to type, she does a little waltz across the desk in front of me, careful to use her tail as a feather duster, under my nose, and also as a thing-knocker-over, and once when I had a candle on the desk--to my momentary horror, she almost allowed her tail to be Keeper of the Flame.

This frequent attention seeking always ends in her escaping too much affection. She wants it but doesn’t want it, at the same time. She also disappears when I have company and doesn’t trust anyone--except me, but only a little. That’s Social Anxiety Disorder. So she has SAD, BPD and OCD. She reminds me of most of my ex-girlfriends.

Mental Biscuit

Et Tu, Brute?

"You blocks, you stones,
you worse than senseless things!
O you hard hearts, you cruel men of Rome..."
-Shakespeare (Julius Caesar)

I am regularly dismayed by human behavior. It seems more and more difficult to find emotionally stable people--people who have a firm grip on character and integrity, a working knowledge of truth. Some folks are just plain mean.

Tonight, for instance, a person i thought was my friend turned on me, and although i think i know why, it still doesn't make it easier to take. She was incapable of processing her emotions in a healthy way, and took her angst out on me. She chose to believe things that were not true, because it somehow explained the failure of our relationship; and effectively kept her from doing any self-examination. She then chose to inflict great personal harm and insult, with no provocation. If a certain switch gets flipped, people are capable of selecting the most harmful or hurtful things to say to you, with full knowledge that it will inflict pain. To make this action even more reprehensible, her accusation was no more than a hypocritical projection--she was guilty of that which she accused me. Psychology 101.

These are the people who look you in the eye and deny their ability to crush you, deflect your attempts to ease your mind, and destroy your faith in humankind. No matter how many times someone tells me "Oh, i would never treat you like that," I have come to realize that those words mean precisely nothing to me. This is a level of cruelty i am not willing to have in my life--from friend nor foe.

You are not what you say,
you are what you do.

Et Tu, Brute?

"Don't You DARE say I'm Unique!"

First, let me just do a disclaimer here....I can't profess to know someone i don't know...i can only look at the data i have and make an informed assessment....that's what i'm about to do, but know that i realize i could be completely wrong....i am using this person as an example to get to greater meanings.....i do that a lot. Real examples are always so much better than the hypothetical ones...

Okay....In my account on experienceproject.com, i created a group/interest that directs everyone to Atypical Lesbians forum, should they be interested. I explained, using the description on the home page, primarily, and left a link.

The next day, I got this comment on the post:

Gothgrrl said :
"doesn't that sound a bit discriminating? who said that typical lesbians are not intelligent, witty, loyal or educated??"

I ANSWERED:

Gothgrrrl, the dictionary defines "typical" thus:

1. exhibiting the qualities or characteristics that identify a group or kind or category; "a typical American girl"; "a typical suburban community"; "the typical car owner drives 10,000 miles a year"; "a painting typical of the Impressionist school"; "a typical romantic poem"; "a typical case of arteritis" [ant: atypical]<<<<<<

2. of a feature that helps to distinguish a person or thing; "Jerusalem has a distinctive Middle East flavor"- Curtis Wilkie; "that is typical of you!" [syn: distinctive]
3. conforming to a type; "the typical (or normal) American"; "typical teenage behavior"

I have discovered over many years that typical lesbians do not care about certain things, and they behave and think in certain ways that are common to lesbians in general. I had a hard time finding those who were not like that and had other qualities. Hence, ATYPICAL.

I think that being politically correct all the time about everything has a way of stifling communication among ALL people. WE are too afraid to say things for fear of stepping on toes, and so things don't get discussed and issues don't get resolved. Furthermore, why would you denigrate or discourage a group whose goal is to aspire to the best in themselves in all ways?

This is my opinion, and Atypical Lesbians is my project. IF you don't resonate with it, then you wouldn't be comfortable there. However, since you've never found out about it, taken part or had a discussion about it with me or any other member, you are not qualified to make your judgment.

Thank you for your comment, and i wish you all good things.


December 30th, 2007 at 06:13PM
Oh, and Goth--one more thing. I never said that typical lesbians weren't all those things. I said that ATYPICALS were, plus they were other things too. It's a combination. And you took it out of context for your own purpose, whatever that might be.



Now, i am sharing the above posts because i feel it is a good example of something quite common that is at the crux of why my site, Atypical Lesbians is needed. There will always be some people who know--even if only on some subconscious level-- that they are not reaching or striving for their potential, and so they must justify this in various ways, one of which is by attacking those who do strive toward their potential.

I wanted some perspective on her, so i went to her page/profile... one thing that popped out was, Gothgrrrl filled in her HEALTH CONCERNS AS:
Borderline Personality Disorder, Panic Disorder, OCD, Avoidant, Social Anxiety, Depression (nice cocktail, but mostly BPD)

I can see why she was diagnosed this way--her behavior exemplifies it in SPADES.

Further, she also has a group of "Experiences & Interests" Icons complete with labels:
[img]file:///C:/DOCUME%7E1/JAEBAE%7E1/LOCALS%7E1/Temp/moz-screenshot-5.jpg[/img]

Have Borderline Personality Disorder	Still Love My Ex	Have a Boyfriend But Want Someone Else	Want to Be Fearless
Have Anxiety Attacks	Am Terrified of Commitment	Am In Therapy	Study History

She is announcing to the world everything about herself that is broken....I saw nothing positive in her list, did you? Just on the surface, by looking at this list, one can make an assessment about her, that she is allowing herself to be a victim, has a hard time letting go, wants what she feels she can't have, is not honest with herself or others sometimes, allows fear to be the foundation of her existence, needs something to blame things on, doesn't know what she wants and is afraid of it if she does, cannot deal with change--is not adaptable....i could go on and on...it's not that hard to figure out, just by looking at her list.

Obviously, she struggles quite a bit with coping. Someone with that many diagnoses is PATENTLY lacking in coping skills. Believe me, i am not dismissing or condescending to those with chemical imbalances and organic mental illness....I believe there is a difference, here, that is worth noting, which often gets blurred by humanity's own garbage: brain injury, chemical imbalance and organic brain illness are not what i am addressing here...i am addressing those conditions, disorders or imbalances that stem from a human's own creation, starting with the coping mechanisms created to deal with something.

Back to my bug under the glass...Gothgrrrl--the fact that she announced all that on her page, means that she embraces it as her identity. She allows it to have complete power over her. It's almost like being mentally ill is her religion, and the illness itself is her god. All things are referenced back to this NutGod. Things that cannot be explained, things she doesn't want to deal with. If she can shift it there, she doesn't have to look at it or do anything to make it better.

Further, I also believe that many of the names the psychological intelligentsia gives to disorders would be better stated as COPING MECHANISMS, not Personality Disorders... A disorder of personality has an antecedent...that, being the inability to cope in a healthy way.

I think that probably most of the things we call personality disorders is merely a manifestation of an inability to cope with something in a healthy way. I think these things can be conquered, notwithstanding the true chemical imbalances and organic brain conditions that also exist... I can say these things from experience.

I was diagnosed over the years with many different things...to the point where i thought i was just this broken, fucked up individual. It's enough to make you want to kill yourself....oh...see the correlation? That's not very helpful, is it? Well, once i took responsibility for all that and began to do the self-work, avoid the therapy where i just masturbated the sickness, things began to change. Those symptoms of these disorders went away. wow. it was a miracle. NO. IT WAS HARD WORK and it was SELF UNDERSTANDING and it was SELF-RESPONSIBILITY.

The amusing/paradoxical/telling thing is that Gothgrrrl also identified strongly as someone who studies HISTORY. Not her OWN, ironically....isn't that interesting? Someone will choose an identity marker of one who studies things in the past, when they are crippled by their present because they can't study their own history?

Okay. I'll stop here. I hope this gives some food for thought, and i welcome any insights from any of you, even if you are chicken to post it here under comments....

"Don't You DARE say I'm Unique!"

Relationships: Dealing with Psych Issues

I have always been interested in the subject/discipline/pseudo-science of psychology.

I have been through my own dark nights of the soul. I have had various diagnoses for conditions caused by biology, physiology, environment, upbringing, life challenges and issues...most of us have. But in going through all of these, i made a concerted effort to understand myself, the effect that various experiences had on me as an individual, and I explored every possibility and option for healing myself, without allowing myself to entirely fall prey to the victim mentality that i was completely helpless.

I have also known many people who struggled with various psychological issues, and I have endeavored to understand them as well, as someone on the outside, looking in. Frankly, I think that mental and emotional instability is more prevalent in our society than ever before. Part of that, I believe, is the nature of our society--what our society has become in response to technological growth, the nature of being in a "global village," and all the demands of life that seem more and more urgent and taxing.

I have been asked for advice many times about how to deal with people who are behaving in a certain way that is damaging to themselves, their relationships or to other people. This is because I have made no secret of my experiences in that regard, and I am happy to provide insight whenever asked. I have been on both sides of that coin. While I don't have all the answers, i do believe i have a few. With that in mind, I want to share a couple of situations that seem to arise the most.

• If you find yourself dealing with someone who is unstable, and you suspect they might have some kind of disorder-- whether personality disorder or some other organic brain issue--be aware that you should mention it, but that timing is crucial.

Let's say you are in a new sexual relationship, and your partner is manifesting some odd psychological symptoms. You want to mention it, talk about it, offer a suggestion that they talk to their doctor about it-- whatever the case may be. One caveat is this: don't EVER bring it up while that person is "Triggering" (manifesting those symptoms and in a negative state of some kind). They will be incapable of processing the information in a healthy way. The best time to bring this up is AFTER you have had sex, and she has had an orgasm.


(for real, i mean it).

The reason is, her positive/euphoric brain chemicals (neurotransmitters and neuropeptides, mostly) will be flooding her brain--dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, norepinephrine, epinephrine--some of them, the same chemicals that are normally unbalanced. She will be much more likely to be receptive to a difficult subject. (If she responds with resistance, saying you are ruining her good moment, or the like, then just know that you probably have no other recourse, as she must meet you halfway in order to make any positive changes. You have then made an effort to do the right thing, and you can walk away with no regrets, or should-haves lingering in your mind).

Also, DON'T have this conversation in BED. Suggest the two of you go into the living room, have a glass of wine, and talk on the sofa.

The reason for this is, you don't want to create a contradictory or negative association between love/sex and pain/discomfort. Creating this negative association can adversely affect the sense of comfort, safety and pleasure that should reside in the bed.


Also be aware that if this person is unwilling to seek help, there is absolutely NOTHING you can do. Improvement only follows their own ability to be proactive and help themselves.

• Often, the negative behaviors of people are predicated on their own damage. If someone is treating you with disregard, is being abusive, disrupting your stability, being insensitive, passive aggressive or otherwise becoming a toxic element in your life, you have the right and the responsibility to demand better. This usually means walking away from that person, and never looking back. You truly do teach people how to treat you, and if you allow mistreatment, it's the same as telling them it's okay to treat you badly.

• If you are dealing with some kind of disorder yourself, then know that no matter what others may tell you--professionals and laymen alike--you DO have the power to turn it around, and create at least a portion of the life you would like to have. Hiding it will never be an effective means of dealing with it. Sooner or later, you will not be able to maintain consistency and the truth will emerge, and is likely to damage anything positive you might have created up to that point.

We are all struggling. We are here to learn and evolve. If at any time we cease to do that, we are merely going through the motions, and not really living at all. The human mind is a fascinating, and as yet, largely uncharted mechanism. What we do know about it is incredibly inspiring, interesting and helpful. What we don't know is the promise of a deeper understanding of ourselves and our place in the Universe and on this particular time-space continuum. Don't think for a moment that everyone else but you is stable and healthy. We all have our issues. The only difference is in how we choose to deal with them. That's the distinction that can create a life of pain, strife and conflict, or a life of joy, love and happiness.


Namasté,
Jae

Relationships: Dealing with Psych Issues

Behavior 101: A Conundrum

Interpersonal relations. This phrase makes me squint with dread. It used to be something I read in a college communications textbook. Now it is a viable, living, breathing Grendel with very sharp fangs.

Take a situation wherein a group of individuals share a common goal, and fling themselves into the attainment of the goal. They will then, inevitably, have to accept the repercussions and peripheral issues that evolve when there is a group dynamic.

"Okay, if I’m behaving in a way that embarrasses you or causes you discomfort or pain, I guess you should just pull me aside and let me know that."

"Maybe. But how do you know that discomfort is your own issue and not mine? How do you know if maybe it’s your need to control my behavior instead of an effort to help me as a friend to grow as a person?"

"I don’t know."

"Where’s the line between your expectations and my right to be who I am in any given situation?"

"I don’t know. But what sort of friend would I be if I didn’t tell you things people say to me about you?"

"Maybe in some cases, I don’t care what they think about me. If these people feel so incompatible with me, why do they continue to hang around and put up with all my grief?"

"Maybe because of the situation--I mean, maybe they have a responsibility to stay in the situation and you’re just part of the package. If that’s true, then don’t you have a responsibility to do your best to be a person who at least makes an effort to be good-natured?"

"I don’t know...maybe I do. But at what point does this effort to keep things amicable, compromise my right to free expression?"

"I don’t know."

"If my behavior is objectionable to these people, why don’t they just come to me and say so?"

"Because they’re afraid of you. Afraid of your reaction."

"My reaction is beside the point in this case. My reaction is my responsibility, yes. And I have an obligation to be mindful of my interaction with others, but I cannot be blamed for their fear, and the way that fear feeds into their reluctance to do what needs to be done to alleviate at least a portion of the problem."

"Or maybe you’re just copping out because you want to justify your behavior instead of looking at it and making changes."

"Ouch."

The breadth of this subject can be overwhelming. Dealing with others. Dealing with others fairly. Dealing with others fairly while remaining fair with oneself. And what is fair? Who has the definition for that one? Can we ever be sure that our right to set parameters for what we will and will not tolerate, is not simply a matter of opinion and not an indication of an infringed-upon boundary?

Behavior 101: A Conundrum