Turn Turn, Turn: the Phantom Ex

Okay, again, my heart is pounding, and again, I am off balance, trying to sooth my trembling hands...

I'm not one to go around asking for advice. I'm usually only giving it, but i just might need some insight from my Facebook friends. I just found a message on my phone from.....GUESS WHO?

The Ex. The one who wrote that inscription to me, and the the one that I suppose is at the root of all this crap with Becky Haynes. It's surprisingly nerve-wracking to hear the voice of a person you were in love with over a decade ago. Surreal. (And after that long, still having any reaction at ALL--what's that about?).

She was perfectly civil. This is what she said:

"Hey Kelli this is Tammy. I understand you posted some personal letter or card or something from me on your Facebook page. I would appreciate it if you would remove that, it was never intended for the whole world to see, and I don't really appreciate that, and i wish you would remove that, and anything else like that. Thanks."

Okay, first, obviously, she hasn't seen it. Because she didn't seem to know just what was posted.

Second, she obliviously doesn't know much about Facebook, or she'd know that it was not "For the whole world to see"--it was only seen by those on my Friend's List, of which Becky was a part, and this is the only reason it got back to her.

Third, what the hell about it is so personal? --That it reveals that someone named Tammy had a relationship with me 12 years ago, and at least one time, she wrote something cute and affectionate in side the cover of a book she gave me?

Oh HORRORS. What will all those BILLIONS of people think of her?

Seriously, why would she care? I asked myself that question yesterday. If the shoe were on the other foot, would i care that she posted an inscription JUST LIKE THAT, from me, on her Facebook? Um, NO. Why would I?

Even if I acknowledged that people have differing views of what is "private", especially in today's wide-open technology environment, respecting some dubious infringement on that privacy seems to be predicated on whether i should care, in relation to this person.

This is the person who managed to push me out of BOTH of my bands, and summarily took away my biggest dreams. Now, understand, i was the principal songwriter, lead singer, booking agent, publicist, bought the equipment on MY CREDIT, carried it all in MY van, which got trashed, and never got any compensation for any of it. Not even GAS MONEY.

This is the person who abandoned our first band and bandmates, without giving them an explanation, though I begged her to--and in so doing, also crushed THEIR dreams.

In fairness, she had just lost her younger brother and was grieving. So I was afraid to do anything BUT be supportive. Ultimately, though, I was too in love with her to stand up and say, "If you don't explain it to them, I will." So i went along with it, because i was supporting my partner in her needs.

Then she wanted to start a new project, and I didn't understand, because i thought she wanted to be away from the music for a while. Again, another misjudgment I made by going along with that. But after we broke up partway into that second project, I had to keep playing music with her while she was being cruel and hateful to me. She would place the other member between me and her on stage, (there were only three of us, it was an acoustic trio), and they would start songs without telling me what they were, and do songs i didn't even know, and I was the Lead Singer.

How many times have you seen the lead singer off to one side, while the backup singer and guitarists were clumped together on the other? There's a reason why the stage configuration is the way it is....So then that meant the other singer could sing all these songs SHE knew and I was left over on one side, trying to figure out what was going on. It felt awful.

I had to watch them leave shows, and go off together to talk about the experience, while I went home alone WITH THE EQUIPMENT, which i usually had to unload myself.

Finally, with visions of throwing myself in front of a train, I had to walk away from that dream, too. I contacted both of my previous bandmates and I offered an apology for what happened before with the first band; I told them both i had been a spineless ninny, and that they didn't deserve that. I asked for their forgiveness and they both gave it and said they understood.

Since then, my Ex has apparently amassed some kind of musical posse from that past to collectively ignore and hate me. Everyone in that circle of people has discarded me like so much dryer lint. There are all kinds of examples, but I'd rather not resurrect any more of that crap from the past, than i have already done here, by way of explanation.

The point is, this person (The Ex) has never given me any reason to respect ANYTHING she might want. She never showed any respect to me at all. And I'm aware of, and am now recalling, how many times I took the high road with all that, and how many times, i erred on the side of "being nice" and "doing the right thing." Being honorable only got be a boot in the teeth. And it got me ostracized from my own life. I became the Historical Pariah of that Clique of people. That Clique that is now all intertwined again in more musical projects together.

So now, I'm supposed to take down that little inscription photo, as if I had been reprimanded like a child, take it on the chin, and grin and shuffle and say "Yes massah"?

I don't fucking think so.

It makes me want to have it printed in the newspaper in a full page ad.

If someone asks me to protect their privacy, I would normally do that--I don't infringe on that unless a person has betrayed me, and then I just don't care. It becomes material for my own evolution, community property for others to mull over and perhaps learn from, and fodder for my writing.

And yes, sometimes it becomes my own paltry revenge, the only way I know how. Someone screws me over, and they usually end up being an exceedingly unlikeable character in one of my books. This, in lieu of tire slashing or keying their car. I am patently nonviolent. My wars are usually intellectual ones.

So, to a Jury of my Peers....what say you?

Turn Turn, Turn: the Phantom Ex

Turn, Turn, Turn

{reposted from Facebook}

I just had a really unsettling experience. I'm trying right now to just calm my thumping heart, and take a breath.

One thing that is no secret about me, is that I don't have many secrets. I am pretty open. I have to be, because I am a creative person who produces creative material. But I don't pretend that I'm so special that i don't have a day to day life with day to day struggles and victories that i wish to share with those in my life. Nor do I pretend that human nature is always simple. There's something else I make no secret of about myself. I will be the best friend in the world to someone, if they treat me right. But the second they turn on me, all bets are off. A longtime friend with whom I haven't had much regular contact in recent years, just got really hateful & posted a couple of confrontational and venomous statements to me. I tried to click her on my friends list to write to her and find out what the hell was going on, but discovered she had removed herself from my friends list, so I couldn't.

BACKSTORY: Earlier today, a friend called and asked my permission to give this person i mentioned above, my new phone number. I told her of course, but was confused because she was on my friend's list and could have just asked me. A bit later, i wrote to this longtime friend and asked her why she didn't just ask me for a phone number instead of asking another friend of mine. She was on my friends list. I would have been happy to provide it. But since we hadn't been in touch a lot lately, I didn't think to give it to her. I wasn't hateful, i just wondered why she went through the other friend, instead of simply asking when she was on Facebook posting about her shows. Her response?

"No, I have better things to do than sit on Facebook for hours looking up information. I went straight to a source so that would have it."

Better things to do than be on Facebook--I guess like THE REST OF US LOSERS. She effectively managed to trivialize the relationships we build by keeping in touch with each other each day. And some of us do want to be able to network according to other things we wish to share, like our music, our writing, our art....She had better things to do...Yet, has no problem using that friends list to announce her performances. I guess it's just business, then, and not that she really cares about all those people.

It seems the big transgression was that i posted an inscription in a book given to me from an ex gf from TWELVE YEARS ago. I did it because it was a blast from the past & gave me a chuckle. This angry person made that hateful comment, and then I discovered she made another, under the inscription picture i posted. See, she's still friends with that ex of mine, so that's the connection. beneath all the other posts on that page, she said:

"Facebook is a wonderful tool for staying in touch with friends but digging up personal business and making it public is crossing the line. It absolutely serves no purpose."

Um---digging up PERSONAL BUSINESS? An ex who wrote that she thought i was an alien sometimes but she loved me? TWELVE FREAKING YEARS AGO?? how personal can that really be? And it only had her first name on it...WTF?


I will say this. I am aware that there's a group of people from that period in my life who insist on judging me by who I was then, during some pretty tough times for me. I moved on, i tried to evolve, and I even tried to remain friends with them. But no. I was evil. That's just really sad.

But here's the part that hurts. I never did anything to this angry longtime friend. We had kept in touch on and off over the years. So why now, is her allegiance to my ex so profoundly strong that she felt the need to attack me for posting an innocuous inscription from ancient history???

Is there something I'm missing here? What is my crime, again?

I have written this because I want it all out there. All honest and no pretense. I always try to take the high road. I always try to do the right thing. Sometimes I screw up, but I always admit to it and try to figure it out and do better. I want to be clear where i stand on this.

So, to Becky Haynes, my longtime friend who decided to attack me unprovoked, i say this with the utmost sincerity:


Fuck off.

Turn, Turn, Turn