Kindred Molecules, Deja Vu, and Noosphere

There are people we meet who seem to be immediately familiar...these familiars are somewhat vexing, in that it often doesn't make much sense why you are drawn to certain people and feel like they are part of your molecules, somehow.

Whatever that little cosmic thing is that seems to be going on somewhere under the radar...I seriously believe in the concept of Kindreds. I rarely have that sense with people, but I have been enjoying that connection with a new one--Tanya. I feel a connection with Tanya that defies logic. We haven't seen each other in 30 years. But I have seen her, 30 years ago. In High School. She's in the back of my consciousness somewhere. And even then, I was drawn to her, and my immature brain may have completely misunderstood what that connection was. So combine that with the current interaction we've had in phone calls, emails, texting, photos...and maybe our brains just fill in those extra parts where they are supposed to go. The brain does this with memories as a matter of course, but I wonder if it can do it on this other level, where the stuff that gets filled in isn't memory, unless it's cellular or on some cosmic level we have yet to understand...

She recently dreamed she and I were talking and I was wearing a blue striped shirt. She asked if I had one. I sent her a picture of the only one I owned, and she said that was just like the one in the dream. She thought it was freaky and spoke of other times when she has dreamed things and they appeared later in her life...felt a little like deja vu when we have moments like that, she said. And I agree that it's odd--when we seem to tap into something beyond our normal comprehension.

My friend Justice believes in the collective consciousness, and she says that's where it comes from. I like the idea of the Collective Consciousness (AKA Noosphere, Universal Mind, Collective Unconscious, Akashic Record, etc). It's similar to the concepts I've been exploring in my book, Quintessence... although not about this specifically, it is about the idea of Alternate Realities, the Unified Field, and what if DNA can find copies of itself in other alternate realities. What if the same is true for Kindred Molecules? What if there's some beacon that can pick these things up, that science has not discovered yet? What can we really know for sure about the Noosphere?

I don't know. But fascinating to think about.

Back to deja vu. I do think that it falls into a category of brain science, most of the time--people believe essentially what they need or want to believe, and it gets embellished until it's an outright lie. I've been guilty of that. I realized this most recently in an experience while walking on a golf course on the evening of 4th of July. In realizing that I had taken an accidental picture that looked mysterious, my brain started on that tangent and I wondered if I took a bunch of those types of photos, and then posted a blog with a bunch of B.S. in it, packaged to look like the real thing--how many people would fall for it. About 75% FELL FOR IT.

You know who fell for it? The Christian, religious and/or highly spiritual people. They already have the tendency well in place, you see, to swallow whatever seems mysterious as something... MYSTERIOUS. Which means they are ripe for the picking, and don't use their reason enough.


I am reading this book (one of many on my nightstand that I read in turns) called The 'God' Part of the Brain. In it, the author explains his quest for his own cosmology (much like my cosmology book, but a different genre) and apparently, there is something about the human brain that inherently wants to believe in things that are not true.

One example, from just today. Each time I got up from my desk to go refill my coffee or some other household errand in another room, i noticed that the light was on in my closet. I had turned it off before that. This happened repeatedly, and i had this little moment...that moment that happens in the primitive portions of our brains that wants the mysterious to stay mysterious... wherein I ALMOST thought there was something MYSTERIOUS happening. Then my rational mind kicked in and I reminded myself of how I had gone into that closet about 20 times that day, since it's as much storage as closet. I had just not consciously noticed leaving the light on each time. I only notice it when i get up and am facing the open door and see the light in this otherwise dim room. Contrast is part of that explanation. I don't notice leaving it on, because I'm walking OUT of the light. My eyes are sensitive to light, and I only notice when it hits my eyes, and they have to adjust. Perfectly rational, plausible, and HONEST. Nothing mysterious there.

In storage recently, I came across another photo that spoke to this very concept, and used myself as the guinea pig. I took a photo of a UFO when I was a kid, and when I revisited this photo and the story surrounding it, realized I had fabricated the whole thing. I WANTED TO SEE A UFO and so I saw one. But just like the photos of the light worms on the golf course, it was created by moving the camera while taking a picture, resulting in the dragging of a light source into a glowing object. It took a great deal of honesty to admit that to myself. IT had started as a weird photo I didn't understand, and it had then morphed into the thought of UFO's, and then, over the years, I continued to lie to myself in increments, to the point where I believed it. The memory was so distant-- and I hadn't seen the photo in so long. Finding the photo in storage, it reiterated the situation with the post about the glowing night worms. This photo had the same glowing effect on it. And it was not due to something in the sky. It was an error in the photography, and a glitch in my human software. The glitch that has us believing the lies we tell ourselves. Until we can all nip that in the bud before 30 years go by--like the minute we do it--we will always be subject to the machination of the psyche, and all it's variant bad sectors on the Human Hard Disk.

What was I talking about? Oh yeah. Deja Vu.

(I have had just as many experiences with what i call Vuja De--which is the sensation that no one else has ever had this experience, ever. lol).

There are many things that science has yet to explain... or prove...one of those is the concept of a Collective Consciousness. Justice believes that's where she gets her psychic information. I can't say. All I know is, she seems to have this gift for knowing things I can't find any explanation for. So yes. THAT'S a mystery. Science doesn't know yet, what that's about. I've had many experiences myself about knowing things I "shouldn't" know. First memory of that which sticks with me is when I knew Elvis was dead before they announced it. I was sitting in the living room watching soaps (back when I had only 3 wrinkles in my brain, and didn't know any better) and a bulletin came on with a little splash screen. Just a nondescript logo on the screen, Nothing else. I turned and called to my Female Parental Unit, who was in the kitchen, saying, "Mom! Elvis died!"

She came rushing in, wiping her hands on a dish towel, and said "What?"

About that time, the announcer came on...stuttering, "Elvis Presley...has...died..."

I'm sure my mother didn't know that my shock at that moment was not about the death of Elvis, but the realization that I knew about it a few seconds before they said anything.

And over the years, I have known other things. (As I'm sure many people have). Some simple, like knowing the phone was going to ring--I'd reach for it to answer, and realize it wasn't ringing. And then it would ring in my hand. Or knowing what people were going to say in movie dialogue, and saying it right along with them, when I had never seen the movie.

I wonder if any of you have had this experience, or do it on a regular basis: you are listening to someone talk--whether on an audio book, on television, the radio, or in person--and in your mind, you are following along with them in perfect unison, as if they are talking from your head....I'm sure there is a scientific explanation for that, having to do with how the brain works....but i find it interesting...

Sorry, DIGRESSION.

Also--these other examples of connection--I'm sure many people have had this experience--I would think about Justi, and tell her, mentally, to call me, and within a few minutes, she would. I can't explain those things, but it's obvious there is something "out there" we don't fully understand yet, and it does seem mysterious.

Anyway, I'm curious about my connection with Tanya, as I've rarely felt it with anyone else... It's a different species....I'm not sure I can put my finger on it....she is an oddity. (I mean that in the most loving way...I'm an oddity, too). It's like I feel I know her much like I know myself...maybe that's  just a load of malarkey. Maybe it's just that we see eye to eye on so many things....and yet, that doesn't make much sense; we've had two completely different life paths, and yet arrived at most of the same conclusions. Maybe we're just a higher degree of kindred. But this is partly why I am so anxious to spend some face-time with her. I want to know what that's all about.

I want to learn more about the noosphere.

Kindred Molecules, Deja Vu, and Noosphere

Show & Tell

I'm thinking about how you can't believe what people say,
only what they do.
And if all they do is say and never do,
then avoiding them is what I have to do.

No, I don't usually trust people right away. And with good reason. But this suspicion doesn't manifest in my reticence to make friends, nor my with-holding of laughter or affection or opportunity. It manifests in my head, where no one can see it. I give people enough rope, and they either hang themselves, or weave me a pretty basket. Either way, I have my answer.

If a person gives me every indication, in words and in manner, that they are interested in getting to know me, being part of my life somehow, they will have an open book to read. But if they don't follow through, all I can do is walk away. In this age of cyber-connections, it's easy to forget how to nurture real relationships. They require time and effort. They require giving part of yourself to that person, in trust that your heart won't be folded, spindled, or mutilated. This damage can happen whether romantic or platonic in nature.

I have enough healthy confidence to know that what i bring to any type of relationship is valuable and rare. It's too bad that there are people who don't appreciate it. When I say I want to get to know someone, I mean it. I want to share space with them, talk, laugh, share experiences. If a person would rather be alone, then that means they don't want to be with you, either. Show and Tell means showing, and telling.

I want to connect with you in other ways besides cyberspace, or a text message. I want the text messages to be few and only when needed or convenient, the phone calls to be a last resort, and to have us within touching distance be the primary way we interact. If a person can't offer that, then a person has nothing to offer. I can get that kind of one-dimensional pleasure by watching Brothers & Sisters.

Show & Tell

Turn, Turn Turn: UnAbridged But Edited

Okay, so i made a change to the signature portion of the document in question.

As i said on Facebook, perhaps this will allay the fears of the Ex and her minions.

Turn, Turn Turn: UnAbridged But Edited

Turn, Turn, Turn

{reposted from Facebook}

I just had a really unsettling experience. I'm trying right now to just calm my thumping heart, and take a breath.

One thing that is no secret about me, is that I don't have many secrets. I am pretty open. I have to be, because I am a creative person who produces creative material. But I don't pretend that I'm so special that i don't have a day to day life with day to day struggles and victories that i wish to share with those in my life. Nor do I pretend that human nature is always simple. There's something else I make no secret of about myself. I will be the best friend in the world to someone, if they treat me right. But the second they turn on me, all bets are off. A longtime friend with whom I haven't had much regular contact in recent years, just got really hateful & posted a couple of confrontational and venomous statements to me. I tried to click her on my friends list to write to her and find out what the hell was going on, but discovered she had removed herself from my friends list, so I couldn't.

BACKSTORY: Earlier today, a friend called and asked my permission to give this person i mentioned above, my new phone number. I told her of course, but was confused because she was on my friend's list and could have just asked me. A bit later, i wrote to this longtime friend and asked her why she didn't just ask me for a phone number instead of asking another friend of mine. She was on my friends list. I would have been happy to provide it. But since we hadn't been in touch a lot lately, I didn't think to give it to her. I wasn't hateful, i just wondered why she went through the other friend, instead of simply asking when she was on Facebook posting about her shows. Her response?

"No, I have better things to do than sit on Facebook for hours looking up information. I went straight to a source so that would have it."

Better things to do than be on Facebook--I guess like THE REST OF US LOSERS. She effectively managed to trivialize the relationships we build by keeping in touch with each other each day. And some of us do want to be able to network according to other things we wish to share, like our music, our writing, our art....She had better things to do...Yet, has no problem using that friends list to announce her performances. I guess it's just business, then, and not that she really cares about all those people.

It seems the big transgression was that i posted an inscription in a book given to me from an ex gf from TWELVE YEARS ago. I did it because it was a blast from the past & gave me a chuckle. This angry person made that hateful comment, and then I discovered she made another, under the inscription picture i posted. See, she's still friends with that ex of mine, so that's the connection. beneath all the other posts on that page, she said:

"Facebook is a wonderful tool for staying in touch with friends but digging up personal business and making it public is crossing the line. It absolutely serves no purpose."

Um---digging up PERSONAL BUSINESS? An ex who wrote that she thought i was an alien sometimes but she loved me? TWELVE FREAKING YEARS AGO?? how personal can that really be? And it only had her first name on it...WTF?


I will say this. I am aware that there's a group of people from that period in my life who insist on judging me by who I was then, during some pretty tough times for me. I moved on, i tried to evolve, and I even tried to remain friends with them. But no. I was evil. That's just really sad.

But here's the part that hurts. I never did anything to this angry longtime friend. We had kept in touch on and off over the years. So why now, is her allegiance to my ex so profoundly strong that she felt the need to attack me for posting an innocuous inscription from ancient history???

Is there something I'm missing here? What is my crime, again?

I have written this because I want it all out there. All honest and no pretense. I always try to take the high road. I always try to do the right thing. Sometimes I screw up, but I always admit to it and try to figure it out and do better. I want to be clear where i stand on this.

So, to Becky Haynes, my longtime friend who decided to attack me unprovoked, i say this with the utmost sincerity:


Fuck off.

Turn, Turn, Turn

Silk Purses from Sow's Ears

My best friend holds that distinction for many reasons, not the least of which is, she manages to teach me how to find opportunity in adversity.

During this recent challenge, though I approached it as I always do, by getting information and understanding what I really had to face, (and what I didn't)--in seeking the truth--I was very proactive about tackling the situation. But within that mindset, still lived my tendency to allowed myself to be beaten down by repetitive ideas...like the idea that my life was on hold and there was nothing I could do about it.

So Justi and I were talking on the phone (which we do several times per day) and in speaking of the delays in my move to Colorado, the obstacles...i worked myself into a lather and heard myself say, "If i have to stay in this situation much longer, it's going to kill me." I think she took that to mean i was suicidal, and that wasn't the case. I have been through that dark night of soul and and have come to a conclusion that precludes taking my own life. I said "I don't want to die, I just don't want to live like THIS." That's an important distinction. But for whatever reason, my friend thought I was fearful that I would become suicidal, so her skill of making a Silk Purse out of a Sow's Ear kicked in.

She began to form a plan that would get me to Colorado. We discussed the details and at the end of it, I realized she was right. I could go. I could get there by August 1st. I would have to make a different set of decisions and let go of some old ideas, as well as some material possessions.

That was the first pertinent point: are these THINGS more important than my sanity or my happiness? Well of course not. So if I sold, gave away or tossed most of my stuff, the costs would decrease substantially, because I could drive there in my Blazer, pulling a U-haul trailer instead of dealing with a truck and auto transport. And, as it has happened several times before, i realized i was also maintaining a paradigm that was no longer supported by the details. I've written about this before. It's that tendency we have to hold onto our ideas about how things are, when things have changed since that assessment was made. We have to go back and look at the details that brought us to that conclusion and ask ourselves if those details are still true or even still exist. If they don't then the assessment of the situation must change, because the ingredients have changed.

One of those details -the most pertinent one--was that i no longer had a crappy undependable car. I had a really nice Blazer. With more room inside, and a luggage rack on top, and a TOWING HITCH. So the necessity of an auto transport, and thus, a TRUCK to pull it, meant more costs. If that was no longer in the paradigm, then the costs were less, which helped make it doable. Then we went through my budget spreadsheets and added up what I would have over the next few months and what i could generate by selling many of those things that kept me tied to this location. This created a possibility where there was none. And all I had to do was let go of some ideas and some material possessions.

So I am moving Aug 1st. Traveling light, but certain that my smile will become bigger and bigger the closer I get to Colorado.

I love my best friend.

Silk Purses from Sow's Ears

Herniated Disco: Necessary Scissors

"It's hard to separate our feelings of obligation from our own healthy choices...bottom line, people do what they do. If they don't want to do it, they won't. If they did it with strings attached, they shouldn't be surprised when someone has scissors, and knows how to use them."

The above quote is one of my own, and appropriate for this post. The scissors necessary in this case have to do with a certain friend who has let me down one too many times. I have high standards for the people I consider my close friends, but i also know how to forgive when warranted, and the value of compassion and second chances. But there are no more Get out of Jail Free cards for this friend.

I mentioned her most recently in a previous Herniated Disco post...she was the one who was coming to help me in my time of greatest need. She was going to live in my home for free and be around when I needed help during my recovery. She was going to attend the nursing school here--a goal she claims to have had for a long time, and for which she is not only suited but has lengthy practical experience for since she has worked as a CNA for a long time. She was also going to move to Colorado with me and start her fresh life there. Not only did she not do any of that. But she just abruptly stopped calling. Mind you i live alone and my best friend is two hours away and could only get away from her 15-hour a day, 6 or 7 day per week job to help me once a week. (But my best friend called me several times a day). Here I am, laid up in bed, in excruciating pain, all alone, and she goes off the grid. (I also had a bit of a setback because i had to go get a box of kitty litter in and down the stairs, and also dump a pan that had gotten too full, and I think that's what caused my disc to regress to where it was three weeks ago...this was the sort of thing she had promised to do for me when she got here.)

Now, this silence isn't new for her. I wasn't concerned for her well-being. This is a pattern she has. She'll appear, asking for my advice--usually about a relationship. About the last 30 times it has been about her most recent girlfriend. THe one who turned out to be abusive and quite literally mentally ill. Long story short, my friend continued to go back to the relationship even after repeated epiphanies about why she should not, and thanking me for my counsel and agreeing with my assessment, etc. Back and forth, like a yo-yo--swearing she's DONE with the girl, DONE with being mistreated, and all fired up that she'll finally start having some self respect, and then there will be a long silence and she'll reappear, having gotten back with the girl, and then experienced a new wave of issues, and breaking up again...and it will be OVER. DONE FOR REAL THIS TIME. This most recent one was the same relationship in which she asked for my help--asked me to do something on her behalf, and when her girlfriend verbally attacked me for it, screaming at me on the phone over it, my "friend" did not stick up for me and confess it was her idea. I finally just wrote her an email that was all about me trying to make her see, once and for all, how this pattern was going to destroy her life, and indeed had been destroying her life...I was firm, but honest and genuinely trying to help her one last time. She took the crazy girlfriend's side, twisted everything around and said some pretty hateful things back to me. I let it drop and assumed that was the end of it.

Then she came back later with her hat in her hands, the same song and dance, thanking me, telling me she was so sorry and I was right, etc, etc. Against my better judgment, I accepted her apology. I knew she was her own worst enemy.

Now this, with her emphatic pronouncements of helping me, all the things she could do to make me feel better, etc, free of the last crazy girl for a little longer. I again took her word. BUt here is the pattern again. She falls off the gird, stops calling, and I know that either she has gone back to the psycho girlfriend, or reneged again on her promises to me--or BOTH.

It might be important at this juncture to point out that she had done this very same thing before--giving me her word she was moving in--that was going to allow me to save the money to move to Colorado and get her out of the town she hated living in, and allow her to go to nursing school. And then weaseling out.

SO --i heard nothing from her for several weeks. Several weeks while I am still in a recovery process and needing the help she was supposed to provide in exchange for a free place to live; several weeks wherein she did not call at all, and so had no idea if I was better or worse or in the hospital, or DEAD.

Then day before yesterday, she started calling and I was just unwilling to answer that phone. She called about three times and then a few times yesterday. She left no messages. I know how this part goes and I'm sick to death of it.

I believe it's time for me to cut the cord. Not on the phone. On her. I just can't go round and round like this, and I have to know I can trust the word of my friends. And I also can do without the emotional damage that keeps her in bad relationships and bouncing back to me for advice she agrees with but never takes. I can't do it anymore.

Remember those Necessary Scissors?

SNIP. SNIP.

Herniated Disco: Necessary Scissors

Beware the Drooping Cerebellum

..a cautionary tale. Maybe.

One of my ex girlfriends has this weird and rare condition where her cerebellum is drooping down too far and impinging on the brain stem. For real. It's called Chiari.

Now for a long time, even before this diagnosis, I discovered that I didn't want to talk to her anymore because every conversation consisted of her condescending to me at every turn. Gone was that delightful, brilliant young woman who so fascinated me with her thoughts on things...she had become sort of...well, an arrogant prick. (sorry).

For more insight on this, see Phone a Friend.

I put up with it during the last slew of phone calls, because she was telling me about her brain condition, and i felt genuine sympathy. I'm not a heartless bastard. Though I wasn't sure what to say. We hadn't seen each other in something like 7 years, and I only periodically talked to her on the phone or email. But as time went on, I was reminded again that I always felt like she was judging everything I said. Just an overweening disrespect in general. Well this haughtiness will only go on so long, brain condition or not, before I say good luck, bye bye. During our last conversation, I kind of reached my breaking point, and unloaded on her, telling her I was really not happy with the way she spoke to me, and i made sure I fully explained why i felt that way, and I said, "Do you talk to everyone like this, or is it just me?" She hung up on me.

A week later, she called, but I didn't answer. Just couldn't get sucked into that black hole again. And then she emailed, asking for some favor. Like nothing happened. No mention of having hung up on me, or being an ass--nothing. Whatever, Becky.

So the best I can do is chalk it up to still another person who seems mean or damaged or otherwise unpleasant to have in your life. And after that, I tend to just make jokes about it. Like, she can't help it, her brain is falling out of her head. I know it's not supposed to be funny, and maybe it's awful of me to joke about it, but dark realities sometimes need to be used as fodder for humor, because otherwise we'd all just be blubbering and wailing through this life. I don't think she's behaving that way because of her condition, either. I think it's just who she's become. For lots of reasons I won't go into here.

BUT. If I had that condition, I'd milk it. I'd do all those things that are inappropriate and blame it on the fact that my brain was falling out of my head.

Beware the Drooping Cerebellum

The CircleCircleCircle Fiasco

I was never so bored in the bedroom in my life! She said she hated toys, and hated penetration, and hated this or that....and it had to be done just-so---way too many boundaries....it was basically oral and tribadism for the sex act...she said even fingers were uncomfortable. (OMG, BECKY)...

I told her I'd had my fingers in there a couple of times when she was relaxed, and i KNEW there wasn't a size issue....

To make matters worse, she demanded that i do a certain thing during oral:: "CircleCircleCircle..." at the exact same speed, for a prolonged amount of time, and if my speed varied at all, i had to START OVER. I felt like she wanted a vibrator, not me. It became such a chore. (My friends still get a kick out of this, and when i spot some woman at a bar, and am considering asking her out, one of them will lean over and say, "CircleCircleCircle" and i am over it....lol).

Finally one night i had had enough and i said, "Ya know what? Shut up and lay down, and let me DO what I DO!" I am very confident about my skills in this area, and i was sick of not being able to use them. She cowered and did it. And guess what? Yeah, you know. She had the best one of her life. So it was like i was having to either be her vibrator, or TRAIN her about things i thought she should KNOW.

The CircleCircleCircle Fiasco

Tryst

An old friend and previous Tryst visted me recently. We had met in the Army years ago, and had a little fling, although it was a bit one-sided, as these things will be when one person is gay and the other gay-curious...but we maintained a long distance friendship over the years and even had a few visits with each other....some of them included sexual activity...I had always had a mad crush on her. She was so alluring...sort of unattainable, and a hell-cat, but so sexy to me.

Well, during her recent visit, we got along great, and did alot of talking and drinking coffee...we always do that. It seemed like we'd just seen each other last week or something. We can always sorta pick up where we left off. But during our talks, i was trying to get information about where she was mentally in our relational dynamic...were we still Tryst-partners? or just friends?

I steered the discussion toward sex and relationships. It was hard to tell, because she'd say one thing that led me to believe she was not interested in doing ANYTHING with me, and then she'd say or do other things that contradicted it. Mostly, it was the words not matching the body language.

But by Saturday, i had given it lots of thought, and sorta OVERLAYED my newest beliefs and growths over that old pattern of the "me and Brittany" map...and i decided that it was much more important to me that we have a strong friendship, and that i wouldn't want to undermine it by having EXPECTATIONS...and i tried to get real honest with myself about that. I decided to let go of the expectations.... and i did. It felt good.

Then that night (or wee hours, actually) i was spreading out my sheet on the sofa, and she said, "You know, Jae, you don't have to sleep in there on that tiny little couch. You can sleep in here with me." But she said it in a very platonic fashion, so i knew she was just being nice.

I teased, "Are you sure you're not askeert a me??"

She rolled her eyes. "You don't frighten me, Jae."

I said in mock disappointment, "Dammit."

So we got in the bed, shoulder to shoulder, both of us reading in the lamplight...and she put her book away and rolled over, saying "Nite." I told her goodnight, and continued to read for a while...then i got sleepy and turned the light out and went to sleep..... ....in my sleep, i became aware of my name..."Jae...Jae.... Jaaaaaaaaee......"

I opened my eyes and she was looking at me, lying on her side, her head propped on one elbow...."I've been calling your name forever..."

I was so groggy, and just as i wondered what time it was, she said, as if she could read my thoughts, "It's 3:10." I sort of frowned at her, like...don't freak me out.
She just smiled..."I need to talk to you..." It was dim in the room, but as i tried to wake myself up, i just noticed how beautiful she looked with that new red hair, her face softened by night.

"Okay," i said, trying to clear my vision. I put some drops in my eyes, and pressed the edge of the sheet to them to absorb the excess moisture that spilled out. A little refreshed, i said, "I'm still a bit groggy, but what do you want to talk to me about?"

She said, "You've only been asleep about a MINUTE!" I couldn't believe that, but i guess it was true. I must have gone straight to REM...

So i said, "So talk."

"I've been thinking. I'd like to take you up on your offer..."

Now, my heart jumped, and i began to frantically search through the fog of my brain for just WHICH offer she may be referring to...

She interrupted my scavenger hunt with, "--you know, i've known you for ten years, and in all that time, you've always been a great friend to me, above and beyond...and you've always treated me with respect and love...I mean, if i can't trust YOU, who can i trust?"

As i was spreading glue on all the pieces of this, attempting to press and hold until it all became one piece...she leaned down and kissed me. I was shocked, because she had never been that aggressive with me...

She leaned back and said, "Are you awake, NOW?"

laughed, and sputtered, "Um...yes...i do believe i am getting there quickly...." Yeah, like the spray of a water hose on you while you're standing in snow. Of course, my brain was still fuzzy, but all the other important parts were wide awake...i think actually that my brain was in shock, but my body completely understood...

So i kissed her back, and she kissed me back, and we kissed each other back and back... ;> And i turned her to her back... ;>

Without getting into the lurid details, it was clear that her barriers were not quite so strong as they used to be...And afterward, she held me and kissed me, and we fell asleep feeling intimate...at least i did.

I brought her coffee in bed the next morning, and went to check email while she woke up. We didn't speak of it the next day, and she went back home that afternoon. But she left looking happy and satisfied. That was enough for me.

Tryst