Nightmare Dates: The Actress with a Bad Vibe

Okay, so this last July, i met this woman online from Topeka. She had been an actress in LA a few years ago, nothing huge, just bit parts and commercials. She did have a speaking role in The Bachelor. Anyway, we emailed and talked on the phone a few times, and then planned to meet. She drove down one weekend to my house. That's the bad part about long distance dating-- especially when you first meet someone. It's inevitable that they will be at your house, or you at theirs for a day or two. This can lead to all kinds of complications, and i have written about that, quite a bit...anyway.

She arrived, and the first RED FLAG was that she got out of her SUV, and began unloading her luggage. She had one of those huge bags on rollers with a handle, an overnight bag, and a couple of hangers with clothes. I thought "Damn, is she moving in?" She was only to be here two days!

So i greeted her, and helped her carry her BAGGAGE in.

The second RED FLAG was that she didn't look much like the pictures she sent me. Quite a bit heavier, for one thing, but i overlooked that, if only because i had learned she used to be a BBW, and had lost about a hundred pounds. Soon, we were on our way to Dixon street to go have dinner. I noticed this odd discomfort with her. Like, i didn't have anything to say. (not usual for me). I was getting this weird vibe. After dinner, we went down the street to Willy D's, a piano bar.We ordered drinks, and then soon the entertainment started. What i had in mind was some soft Billy Joel-type thing in the background, so we could have a conversation. What we got was a roomful of drunk college kids and a guy and girl playing dueling pianos like it was some Broadway show. So we spent a lot of time leaning over to talk, and shouting over the music. Sometimes the leaning over part is okay, if there's a spark-factor, but for me, there wasn't. Still, i soldiered on, because i thought maybe we could at least be friends.

As the evening wore on, i kept getting this weird vibe. Now, part of that is that i am very empathic and a person's energy is something i FEEL. So i just thought maybe we were off in that department. Eventually, we made our way back home, and there was that inevitable awkwardness. I decided we should keep drinking.

She had brought vanilla vodka and had that with Coke, and i had a raspberry twisted. We sat on the sofa and talked, and the more we did that, the more i knew she had a screw loose. She talked about herself a lot, as in how many famous people she knew, how great an actress she was, how most other actresses sucked, and so on.

I suggested that we watch some short films i had on DVD, that i hadn't watched yet, and soon she was asking for my massage skills...i knew what that meant. I do give massages every now and then, and have a massage table in the guest room. But the last thing i wanted to do was have my hands on her, rubbing warm oil around....so i told her my hands were bothering me, because i had been giving lots of massages. She took that as her cue to RUB MY HANDS. She reached for one, and i jerked it back like I'd touched a preheated stove.

Finally, i acquiesced, feeling it couldn't be that bad. But of course, then she wanted to touch me in other places, and I'm sure she was at least a few times trying to line herself up for a kiss. I avoided that like a flesh eating virus.

She was knocking back the vodka pretty good, and getting a bit tipsy. The more she drank, the more obnoxious and loud she got. She would stand in front of the television, while the movie was playing and talk talk talk...gesticulating and offering criticism of various actors, directors, scripts, etc.

Add to that, the fact that she was 38, and had told me she'd only had sex with ONE person, one time, and I was really clear that there was a pertinent reason. Between her personality and her fucked up energy, I'm sure plenty of women have felt what i was feeling from her...and knew better than to entertain the idea of intimate relations with her.

I announced that the coolers were going straight through me, and excused myself to go to the bathroom. I stood in there, leaning against the door and feeling so uncomfortable that i thought my head would explode. I have never been so uncomfortable in my own home, and never felt so trapped either. She wasn't leaving until the next day.

Long story short, I couldn't wait to get her out of my house. I can't even be friends with someone like that, much less date them.

And i never did figure out what she must have packed in all those suitcases.

Nightmare Dates: The Actress with a Bad Vibe

Not So Vain

I'm not so vain as to think that any of you were despondent that i haven't been on this site much lately...so i won't apologize for my absence. I've been myspaced-out for a while, fighting their stubborn coding problems... maybe it's my tiny little control issue in regard to my own work....it's way more time-effective than trying to conquer the Myspace Coding Beast...wow...i need some coffee, i'm rambling like a tumbleweed....

anyway, what have I been up to? Well,

I've been in and out of a relationship. It took 6 months to realize that we were not suitable partners. I had high hopes, but alas. She is a lovely, sweet person, and we remain friends.

Thoughts on that: I no longer suspect, but rather am convinced, that the only way to find and keep the right partner for yourself, is to adhere to the tenets of Old Fashioned Dating, Here's the deal: it has been proven that a person cannot put up a facade--be something they are not--for longer than 3 to 4 months. Therefore, if you date a person (note, i didn't say "live with" or "shack up") for that period of time, you will begin to see anything that they have been hiding from you, i.e., you will see the deal-breakers and red flags. Ideally, you will be able to see the red flags and deal breakers before that, but just know that if someone is determined to be something they are not, their facade will not be able to hold past that point. (For more on this subject, buy my book--ISO (In Search Of: Dating, Relationships, and Sex for the Discerning Lesbian. Available now where quality books are sold; that is to say, jaebaeli.com). Similar to this, is the "17 Dates Method" (credit to Justice Harlow) wherein, if want to really get to know someone, agree to go out on 17 dates. In that amount of time, you will have learned all you need to learn and will know the person in many different situations, and around many different types of people...so these two methods seem to work well together. It is my intention to stick to this during this round of singlehood...my best friend and i are finally single at the same time, so we're going to do this as a team (not that she will go on all my dates with me, but...um...you know.)

I've been writing a lot too. I now have 9 books and one screenplay published. (with LightSwitcher Books), and am still searching for a good agent and a mainstream publisher. I fired one agency in New York because i wasn't happy with the way they did business. I am in the middle of my brand new mainstream novel, "Baggage" right now. It's about a family whose lives are swirled around by the events of Hurricane Katrina, and how these lives intersect with other lives, and how we all have our own baggage: lies, deception, secrets.... (Okay, so i haven't worked out the blurb, yet, but there ya go).
Thoughts on that: Unless you're on the bestseller lists and Oprah and other spotlight venues, you are largely ignored as a writer. It costs money to market yourself, and there's a million bad writers out there mucking it up for the rest of us. And Writing isn't easy. But i love it. I must be a glutton for punishment.

I recently began a phone job as an intuitive counselor/life coach kinda person. I only have time to do that part time, though, and it remains to be seen if that will be good enough for the company. I like the idea of helping people, though.
Thoughts on that: it seems that most of the women who call me are some version of fucked up. Most of the men that call me are trying to understand the fucked up women.

I've rededicated my attention to the Law of Attraction and the Power of Intention.
Thoughts on that: Since we know that miraculous things happen in our bodies, sheerly in response to our thoughts (see this article for a fabulous exposition on this topic), it is not so magical to believe that our thoughts are things. They are things that can make things happen. The Law of Attraction has recently been repackaged as "The Secret" but it's not really a secret. It's been around a very long time. Even in the eighties, a channel was imparting this information (google or P2P abraham hicks). I've already been given many signs that the Law of Attraction works...but it seems there are 2 tricks to it: (1) You have to manifest in terms of the present; like if you say "my dream girl is right around the next corner..." then what happens is, your dream girl is right around the next corner...always...never the corner you've just turned, but the NEXT one. You have to make statements like: "My dream girl is in my life right now" or even, "I will meet my dream girl by the Fourth of July" and (2) You have to place yourself in the emotion you would be having, when your desire is reality. Now, some of us have trouble cranking up an emotion for something that. To our linear-time-imprisoned minds, is not real to us. According to Unified Field Theory and Quantum physics, everything exists RIGHT NOW. I have mentioned before in other writings, that i am not naturally a visual person...my brain operates from emotional memory, and emotion itself, so visualizing is not something i do well without great concentration ( this is a whole other topic i touch on in ISO and in My Friend the Synesthete) although, i have surprised myself on my counseling job when i told people things that came to me, and it turned out to be true--spooky, really. So one thing I've been doing to get around the visualization gap, is to listen to music that makes me feel happy or joyous...then i begin to think of those things i desire while in that state. I hope it proves effective...we'll see.
I'm trying to get a Hen Party started here, (Bella Vista) and if any of you live in the area and wish to participate, please let me know. Hens only, no roosters.
Thoughts on that: Hens can lay eggs WITH NO HELP from a rooster. Modern science can already fertilized a human egg WITHOUT sperm....it's only a matter of time before we'll only need men to lift heavy things...we're due for a matriarchy anyway.

My best friend is also recently singled, as i said, and we've made a pact. We will be dating as much as possible (other people, not each other ) and having as much fun as we can over the next year (while being open to those perfect lifemates/partners who are just waiting to find us).
Thoughts on that: if you've read any of my profiles and feel we would enjoy each other's company, please, contact me.

I'm about to begin recording my 3rd CD, too, entitled "Feng Shui Tragedy."

Thoughts on that: note that i said, "about to begin..." That means i keep turning on my 16 track digital recorder, marveling at how cool it is, and thinking about how many songs i have to choose from, and then losing the mood and turning it back off.

Okay, I'm refilling my coffee. Stay tuned.

Not So Vain

Put THAT in Your Pipe

What with all the new age channeling going on, (allowing non-physical entities to speak through them) I've had to decide how I feel about it. . .because, you know, there can be nothing in my experience left misunderstood. . .

Aside from the Channels who are obvious charlatans, I believe there are some who are authentic (a truth that crosses over many boundaries and into many situations). In my endeavors to understand this phenomenon, I've had to take the beliefs I had in place and add any new beliefs I've come to; and I've come to this:

I am a channel, too. But I don't channel Abraham or Ramtha, The Enlightened One. I channel my Muse. Each time I embark upon a creative endeavor, I channel. Each time I have an inspiration, I channel. Each time I understand something on a profound level, figure out one of life's great mysteries, or make a decision at the grocery about "paper or plastic," I channel. (okay, the last one was added for levity, I don't consider my choice of grocery bags an enlightened epiphany. . .)

But I channel. And you channel. And everyone CAN channel.

When I set about creating the things I create—whether in the area of music, art, or writing, or giving a massage, or helping a friend figure some conundrum out, I am tapping in to that channel that we all have as spiritual beings, having a human experience. When I get any inspiration, it comes from SOMEWHERE. Call it inspiration or Muse or non-physical energy or collective consciousness . . . it comes from higher self—from collective unconscious, from God.

Abraham or Ramtha or just smartness from a human brain or mind. . .are all pulled from the same Source. It is often referred to, as a matter of fact, as "Source." The only difference is its manifestation; how the information presents itself. If someone is seeking and meditating, and some other consciousness appears and introduces itself or names itself, that is Source. If someone is seeking and meditating, and has the experience of epiphany, that is also source. There really is no fundamental difference, other than how it manifests itself, and in what form.

For instance, I might take a lump of clay on a potter's wheel, and make a large vase or I might also make a plate; it really depends on what the inspiration is—it's still the same clay, taking different forms. It's still Source.

If this is so, then we don't need those "middle-men"—those 'tweeners who try to make us believe that we can have nothing of God or higher consciousness without them. In other words, a priest is not a conduit to God. WE are the conduit to God. We are, in a very real sense, GOD. We all come from the same Source, the same essence, and so we are all portions of that Source, manifested in physical form, in a particular time-space continuum.

Put THAT in your pipe, and smoke it.

Put THAT in Your Pipe

Orbital Chaos Theory

In regard to personal growth as human beings, I have developed what I call the Orbital Chaos Theory Model.

We are all in an orbit, and some of us are closer to Source than others, even though there is no "Echelon mentality" about it--meaning, we are all equal in our humanity, yet evolving at our own pace.... The closer to Source we get, the fewer kindred companions we have...there are more people on the outer rings....fewer on the inner ones...every so often we line up with someone else. Rarely are they on the same orbit, sometimes they are on the nearby orbit and can make the transfer over to us, (and sometimes they can't) and sometimes they leap even FARTHER away from us AND Source...

This illustration has helped me with a pattern of understanding, without placing myself "above" anyone else. So people like us and our kindred, who are concerned about our growth...we are perhaps in different orbits, but lined up, and are trying to line up with someone who is there, or even next to us, with the potential to leap into our orbit.

Orbital Chaos Theory

Beautiful Blogist: Act 3

4:01p
I got my answer. Woke up at 3 and came down to check my inbox. . .

I don't normally leave things up to my girlfriends...but in this case, I don't know what [BF] is thinking or what she would think. I know that though I feel a kinship with you, I didn't have the intention of "relationship" in a romantic context...but I'm not sure how secure [BF] will be with someone coming in from out of town who I do resonate with on a certain level. Completely complex. She knows you were planning to come into town, but the whole circumstance was so unexpected that I don't think we really hit on your visit all weekend. This is all new territory. I've not felt this for a really great friend before. We only have weekends and she only has limited time at that. I don't want to make any presumptions on her part, but neither do I want to jeopardize what I think might be the start of a potentially lasting romantic partnership. I mean, we don't want to be a U-Haul couple, but we were already talking about buying a house together in West Texas. Her lease is up soon...man...this is weird...but better than anything I thought possible. All I can say is, "Whoa."


Another hard lesson learned.
Lots of mixed feelings here. At first I went back to bed, crying, determined to just stay in the bed until I couldn't stand it anymore. I cried for a while-mostly just feeling sorry for myself, but then the confusion came. . .i got up, knowing I wouldn't be sleeping, even though I needed another 4 hours. SO what else is new. I don't want this to be relegated into the same scenario of me falling into depression, disheartened about the prospects of my love life. Even though it was difficult to say, I did put forth my intentions in a certain way; I said I didn't want this thing to work out romantically with me and her if it was not going to benefit me, or be a positive thing. So possibly, the Universe is responding perfectly. I just don't have to enjoy the answer.

I do feel a little chumped because for all the kindredness we felt-she said SHE felt-I might only have been that "more evolved" person she needed in order to vent her own angst, and there may be no more meaning to it than that. My biggest challenge, here, is in trusting my Emotional Guidance System again. Why did I feel so much, so strongly, without meeting someone? Did I impose my wishes on her, because she did resonate on such a different level than anyone else I've known?

Maybe it's just like I tell everyone else: sometimes we Line up with someone else's orbit for a time and our vibrations are in harmony and then one or both of us just moves out of that alignment.

I gave it some thought and then wrote back to her:

"[BB],
I haven't responded to this until now, because i wanted to give it some serious thought. While i did so, i noticed that your communication with me stopped completely 7 days ago. Don't get me wrong. I know I'm just someone you've been emailing, and chatting on the phone with, and you have your own life there to lead--But the nature of our communication was pretty frequent, so when it stopped after your big announcement, i had to consider that. I do want to say a few things to you.

First, I thought we were building what would be a wonderful friendship, one that was not the usual fare. I had never connected with anyone this way in just emails, and that's meaningful to me--you have to appreciate just HOW meaningful, since I've been on the 'Net SINCE IT WAS INVENTED, and have exchanged emails with thousands of people... My work keeps me a little isolated, so it's a way for me to maintain some relationships, even if some of them are not in person; (in person is what i prefer, by the way). Anyway, I also felt the same connection with you on the phone. That, combined with other inexplicable experiences i was having, seemed to indicate that i should pay attention to this one. This one meant something. This one might COUNT. I thought that you were a soulmate. My best friend, i believe, is one of my soulmates, and i thought that I was perhaps being blessed twice in one lifetime.

Now, i have to question everything that passed between us, as I'm not sure you were of the same mind about it. It was inconsiderate, to say the least, for you to agree that us meeting in person was something that needed to happen, confirming a visit with me, letting me arrange everything for that, including a rental car--and then suddenly change your mind simply because you have begun to date someone, and SHE might be threatened in some way by it. Do you really want to cater to her insecurities--especially about a FRIEND???? Why not say "Hey, I'm meeting a new friend this weekend and it's already been planned. We're going to visit and then maybe we can all go out Saturday night." What was the problem with that? IF it really was a problem for [BF]--then... Been there, done that. You recall how my Ex was about it (though i hesitate to even refer to her as an "EX" since it lasted all of 6 months). She managed to alienate all my friends, and Let me tell you, it's ALWAYS a mistake to let a girlfriend pick your friends.

If, on the other hand, it's YOU being fearful of "jeopardizing" something new, as you say--[BF] has been your best friend, she's not someone brand new you just met--how solid could it be if the presence of a new friend visiting from ANOTHER STATE is a threat, somehow? That's not about how new a relationship is, that's about how SECURE the people are to begin with.

But perhaps it wasn't her at all. Perhaps you just needed an escape hatch, and used her, so you could save face? or avoid meeting me for whatever reason? Honestly, I don't know, and maybe it doesn't matter now. In looking back objectively, i have to admit that this exchange between us was always about you, and i let that be, because i assumed you were just in that temporary space, and it would eventually level out because we had this great kindredness. But it remained about you, even when i shared pieces of myself that were precious to me, meaningful. You never seemed to care much about what i was sharing with you, but you were always ready to spew your angst at me. Friends are supposed to be able to do that, yes. But there has to be an equilibrium to it. I suspect this was not what i thought: an equal friendship between two people who just might be soulmates....Maybe I'M the fool. You just needed someone to talk to for a while--no, to VENT to--and i was there, and that's all it was, and anything else i made it, was inaccurate and wishful thinking on the part of a highly creative and perhaps overly sensitive, doe-eyed dreamer. I see that now.

BB, i think you are a brilliant writer, with a brilliant mind, and that was a large part of my being drawn to you (maybe the ONLY part). I think you have tons of potential, and are a good, decent person at heart. That view of you remains. But it might be worth considering: those people in your life who have treated you with insensitivity or disregard--Could it be because you showed them how? Could you have treated them that way, first? Maybe you ought to look at that. Just a suggestion.

Regardless, you were a light shining in a dark place, and maybe that's what i needed, too, and maybe it wasn't meant to be more than that...two souls, crossing paths, and moving away from each other again. It happens all the time, and it's happened to me before, and will again, I am certain....the only negative about it, is the negative I give it. I choose not to do that, because I really would rather keep the fond memory of what we shared for those brief moments.

I still wish you all the happiness your heart can hold.

Jae

Now, I thought that was a perfectly fair and emotionally mature response. But obviously, she didn't see it that way....
[her words in blue, mine in red]

For the most part, I simply wanted to leave this alone. After embarking on the great journey of a relationship with my best friend, and being thrown in the lion's den at work I receive this email which essentially tells me that I'm a selfish person responsible for all of the mishaps in my life in the forms of bad relationships and negative behaviors of other people. }}}I don't know if you are selfish or not...i was merely telling you what i was feeling...and you are not responsible for all, no. I'm the last person you have to explain these other people to--i've been in that position many times, as we discussed....I was only speaking to my experience with you, when you made that announcement and then disappeared. It made me feel like a chump. I own that. It's MY feeling. Perhaps you are not at all what i feared in that last email. But how could i know? what did i have to go on?
True, while I did find some solace in our connection, there were a few discussions I found disconcerting }}}i'm sorry you found any of it disconcerting--why didn't you just ask me? and did not address because though I felt some connection…I DO NOT KNOW YOU.}}} and that's why i wanted us to meet. And that's why i was sharing with you and you were sharing with me, i thought. I thought we were getting to know each other in an initial way....I did not really know you in very important, in-person ways, either, and to prolong an online relationship of any kind is asking for trouble, unless you have a real, in-person meeting to solidify it.. On top of not knowing you, you took every opportunity to push for meeting which not only struck me as strange but also dangerous. }}}I recall that you said meeting was the next logical step, and you wanted to get a plane ticket to fly here to meet me...when you then said you couldn't, i offered to rent a car and drive there, and you told me that was great. IF you had a problem with it, why did you agree? If you had concerns about my behavior or my motivations, why didn't you say something? i'm sorry you thought it was strange that i wanted to move this out of cyberspace as soon as possible. Why is that strange? i believe in REAL relationships with people. And dangerous? i know you can't know this..but the LAST thing i am is dangerous. I'm sorry you felt that way.
Perhaps I should have been more upfront with my dismay, alarm, whatever you want to call it, but really…why was there such forcefulness on your part to meet? }}}because i have made many online connections but know that they cannot be trusted until you meet in person. And again, i only want REAL people in my life. You would have become REAL if i had actually MET you. Is that so hard to understand? My motivation was predicated on the knowledge that online relationships can be so tenuous. I'm sorry you took that to mean i was being pushy. It was not my intent.
It's none of your business what [BF] thinks or if she happens to dictate things in my life. }}}you're right, it's not. I apologize for overstepping, but i was merely telling you how i felt. I trust her implicitly and only wanted to include her in the decision making process because I value her insight. }}}I'm happy you have someone like that. Ultimately, I'm the person who makes up my own mind and truthfully I didn't understand the urgency about having a face to face. }}}i addressed that above. There was nothing weird about it. Remember, i've been doing this internet thing for a very long time and i've learned some hard lessons--one, being that to prolong a strictly online relationship is flirting with disaster. Would I have preferred it…of course…but there is the rest of my life so why the disappointment at not meeting in the month of September?}}}because, i don't like to linger in cyberspace. that's all. Nothing mysterious. I've done that before and it turned out badly.
If you have NEVER shared a level of connection with another person which we attained, I'm sorry. }}}i didn't say that. I'm not some maladjusted, emotionally crippled maniac. I said NEVER online without meeting. I've had and still have some very deep relationships with people...many of whom i've known from 10 to 27 years. That in itself is disturbing…}}}only because you misunderstood what i meant by that. but then to conjecture on all the various theories regarding the basis of our "friendship" }}}i was sharing with you the unusual experience i was having while on my spiritual journey. I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't reduce it to some online cliche. and turn it into a woe is me }}}that was not fair or nice. because I don't happen to sit at a computer except for the eight hours I'm supposed to be working unable to start another random discussion addressing all the pitfalls in your life }}}OMG! BB!! what do you think YOU WERE DOING THE WHOLE TIME??? Was it not natural for me to respond in kind? You shared all your angst and all your pitfalls, and that was fine. I appreciated your candor. or have a marathon conversation (need I remind you again how much I HATE THE TELEPHONE BECAUSE I TALK ON THE PHONE FOR A LIVING) }}}and so, for you, the emails were enough. I'm sorry i got the impression you wanted to know me better and in other ways. for your benefit…well, maybe the apprehension of having you STAY IN MY HOME was not all that unfounded. }}}Yet, YOU were going to come see ME in MY HOME. Sometimes it's just a judgment call. I didn't feel YOU were dangerous. All i can say is i'm sorry i gave the impression i might have been dangerous somehow. It's hard for me not to laugh at that, because i know how ridiculous that is...though i understand that YOU don't. It's not accurate, according to who i am. You seemed to feel this connection just as i did, and i just wanted to understand it better, that's all. Please don't make this something scary or threatening.

While I thank you for your compliments and know that I am my own light…I'm going to hope that you have respect enough for the next person you encounter on such a level to know that connection does not need to be forced and does not need to be an in person encounter by any means… }}}Respect is not the issue. I have enough respect FOR MYSELF not to get too tangled up until i have MET someone in person....and, for me, that in-person thing HAS to exist. Online relationships are only surface relationships. I have a LOT of online friends (who i know in person, but can't see often), and i'm not looking for more of them. I thought you and I had the potential to be more than that--more, meaning real-life friends, and that implies actually meeting. I don't feel i was forcing anything, i was responding according to the way YOU were responding. I apologize if i misunderstood that. ESPECIALLY when meeting someone from the internet who has expressed the need to be guarded due to past experiences. }}}I am guarded too. And i will be even more guarded from now on, since this dissolved into something so negative. I can only say i'm sorry for anything i said that may have been unclear or misleading. You are an intense person just as I am, and i felt it was okay for me to be myself with you. I'll dial that back from now on, because you're right, online meetings cannot allow two people to know each other that well. ...and you can't know that anyone will take you accurately online.

I was in a space where i was trying to trust my emotions again. I did that, and it turned into this. A HUGE misunderstanding. I've learned my lesson. This has come as a great shock to me...this email, here. I'm floored by your perspective. I had no idea you felt that way.

I wish you and [BF] the best of all things.

I feel awful. This hurts my heart so much. Makes me feel even more bleak about finding someone special, when it can get so ugly like this during the friendship stage. It makes me want to pull back inside myself and just forget about all of it. Every fucking bit of it. There is no one. There's just me, and the sooner I get used to it, the better.

Beautiful Blogist: Act 3

Beautiful Blogist: Act 2

Email from Beautiful Blogist....

Ok...BF. and I are dating. weird, eh? I don't really know exactly how it all happened...we were pretty much agreed that we were friends...and this weekend seemed like it was going to be like any other...and truthfully, I hadn't ever really thought of her that way...maybe glimpses here and there...but the energy was there and things were stellar...I mean...it seemed meaningful, tender, all the things I'd hope for that sort of interlude to mean....and it was so much better because she's my best friend. It's hard to describe. I never got any of the weird feeling like I needed to "run" or change my mind and all of my weird commitment-phobe issues haven't really come to the fore. Of course, it still is a little confusing...and while we don't want to post it all over myspace...I think most of our good friends will be thrilled. At least, I know my parents would be tickled pink...they LOVE [her]...and my sister and cousins and Grandma, I mean virtually everyone we know has always sorta secretly hoped that we would start dating. I think her Mom already thinks we're an item...she sent me some booties to keep my feet warm...lol. We'd always joked about it...maybe this is really what it's all about? Being able to laugh and laugh and still find each other appealing through life's little bumps in the road...idk. I know we're still figuring it all out...this was a little out of the blue. Wow. It's kinda weird to write out.

Floored? yes. Jealous? of course. Hurt? Definitely. I thought she and I had a real connection and that this visit I was planning was equally important/promising to her, as it was to me. Then BAM! She's suddenly falling into bed with her best friend.

I wrote back and said:

Well, that was unexpected. But i wish you all good things. DO you still want me to visit? or will you have time to spend with me?

I had already made the plans, freed up the money and reserved the car. Haven't heard from BB yet. But it's only been about 2 and half hours. I need to know how to assimilate all this. What does it mean? Did she EVER think of me romantically, as I did of her. I guess not. I'm trying so hard not to spiral into the abyss like I always do. This has got to stop being so important to me. It always hurts to much. It takes so much out of me. I'm still trying to figure out how to handle it, but I may not be able to make an assessment until she gives me something to work with. I still want to have her as a friend, but I don't want friends who are exclusively cyber friends, so I STILL need to meet her. This thing with her best friend could tank because it seems like such a weird thing to her. . .it wasn't planned. I think something just sort of went down between them—maybe there was alcohol involved. Who knows. Either way, it sort of blows my theory that she was feeling what I was feeling but neither of us could say anything because we hadn't met. Unless she is doing exactly what she said about the best friend: "I never got any of the weird feeling like I needed to "run" or change my mind and all of my weird commitment-phobe issues haven't really come to the fore." Maybe she was doing that with me, by diverting herself to the best friend.

Now i feel foolish for allowing myself to believe something so fantasy-driven.

Beautiful Blogist: Act 2

The Beautiful Blogist

In my experiments with the Law of Attraction, I have been putting forth the intention of knowing and/or recognizing who my perfect partner is by how I feel, since that is both THE strongest and MY strongest sense that connects me to Higher Self and truth, and because it is connected to those brain chemicals that so often deny me the falling-in-love experience. I also know that it is a way for me to recognize my kindreds, as I resonate well only with those who are on a similar path and want similar things

That said, I am feeling something inexplicable with this Beautiful Blogist I've begun to know, since we began our exchange of ideas. I did not expect this "knowing" to be present in a virtual way—I thought it could only happen in person—and maybe that's true, and this is something else I'm feeling; like Hope, wishful thinking, or superimposing my intentions and needs onto the first person who seems to resonate with me on some meaningful level.

I did notice that last night I remembered I had a little time left on my personals membership and I ought to use it to find a date, but the whole time I was scrolling through and reading profiles, I kept thinking "They are not her.". . .odd.

So maybe it is that I just want to find my perfect partner, and I hope that The Beautiful Blogist is it, because I already feel so connected to her psychologically, emotionally and spiritually, and those are the most important things to me in a partnership. I have to say that her intelligence and her depth is not only engaging, but an aphrodisiac. Intelligence is sexy to me...and so I can't help it that she's so smart...

Yet, I have had two experiences in meditation that I cannot explain—this presence of her, this joy, this ability to lose myself in that moment, created in my resting consciousness. I had gone into the first meditation with an intention to still my mind and not do the usual manifesting I do. I went in it intending to allow the Universe to tell me something I need to know, with no preconceived notion of what that would be. . .I was being open for information. . .and when I spent the first few moments releasing the intruding, controlling thoughts, I reached a place where I could be quiet. . .I just listened to the CD of a thunderstorm and focused on that, keeping my mind clear. . .

. . .then I started getting snapshots which were speeding up into an almost-video (I am usually not visual enough to maintain clear, video-like images) and these speedy snapshots were of me and someone—I could not see her face, but I could FEEL her—sharing an intimate bonding moment where we were laughing and talking and flirting and just being together. . . and we were expressing our love physically soon and it was such a beautiful, profound merging of two souls, that I was rapt with wonder. . .it was like I wanted to unzip her and climb inside, and I wanted her to do the same. . .I wanted to merge with her, and I could not get close enough.

When I came out of my trance, I felt this rare joy and there were tears rolling down my face.

The second time, the next night, again open only for information, and expecting something entirely different than the night before, it was like some fantasy of our first kiss. And it was her. Not a faceless, nameless person. . .but HER. The Beautiful Blogist. When our lips met I felt that electrical charge that I hadn't felt in more than 10 years. . . the feeling I thought had been removed from my experience forever. It was there with her, and I knew I was about to fall headlong into a searing, profoundly beautiful love affair.

Was this the answer to my questions? Was it the Universe playing some cruel joke on me? or was this telling me I will find the one I seek? Or was it telling me I had ALREADY FOUND HER??? Or, was it *Again* wishful thinking? The power of my need? Or just the usual fantasy one has when "trying someone on" for size? (see blog entry: Love on the Racks). The glitch in that, is I was in a meditative state, not one of fantasizing, and also that I never feel that way when trying someone on. . .I can't get that emotion to match the vision. This vision was presented to me, unbidden. I was not even thinking of her. And besides...i don't have sexual fantasies very often. I can never keep hold of them. Maybe that's why i stay so frustrated.....wow...i just realized that might be why i write erotica the way I do and have to make a concerted effort to keep it out of at least a few of my novels...it is the only way i can have a fantasy...mmm...epiphany alert......

I'm not sure what's happening. I only know that she is the most significant person to cross my path in some time. The others were valuable in their own way, but somehow this feels like something else. I don't dare mention this in any specific way to her, because it is too early to know what we will be to each other until our energies share the same space. And I also don't dare mention it for fear she will think I'm some sort of obsessive-clinging-stalker, with a secret agenda. I want her to know who I really am, and who I am on other levels. . .

When I write to her my thoughts flow and they are voluminous. She intrigues me, she makes me excited about learning and understanding in a new way, and sharing my own experience with her; the things I've learned along my own path. . . and then there is this tenderness in me toward her which I have no basis for. . . so often I sense this overwhelming need to put my arms around her and just hold her close, feel her next to me, show her something soothing and real. . .it's insane, really. WE HAVEN'T MET. Still, I know it's not because I'm a crazy obsessed stalker. Totally not part of my identity. So I can only surmise it is either some fantasy gone out of control, with some existing person to attach it to, or it is actually meaningful in that she REALLY IS different, and our meeting has been arranged on some vibrational level, due to my work with the Law of Attraction and Deliberate Creation and Allowing.

When I hear that little email sound, I have a nanosecond of genuine excitement—a thrill. I hope it's her. And when I see it's not, my energy drops and I can't concentrate on anything but her, and I end up just reading the other things she wrote to me before. . .if the mail IS from her, I smile, and feel my energy rise. At the end of the workday, i know i won't have contact with her until the next day, and it keeps me from sleeping. It's like my brain has fallen in love with her brain. Is that possible?

Brains are connected to bodies, yes, and we have not met in person, no. But the mind . . .the mind is not the physical brain, it is the energy that imbues the brain. . .so therefore, my mind could be in love with her mind, and that would not be far-fetched because mind is all I know of her in any authentic way, and mind is both local and non-local in nature—part of the collective consciousness. . .so I may be feeling what is out there in the cosmos—my mind dancing with her mind.

I even wrote a poem to her, that I will not ever share with her, unless we move into a romantic affiliation. And I wrote a sort of vow to her, as if it was something I would say if we were to have a Union of any kind—talk about LEAPING ahead. . . this behavior completely confuses me. Was she my mate in a past life, and that's coming up because that's part of what i know of her?

I want her to call me. I want to call her. I want to hear her voice and see if it also resonates with me on that auditory level we both share. I did call her phone when I knew she wouldn't answer, to hear her outgoing message, and her voice was just as I FELT it would be. I had heard her voice in that meditation, and it was the SAME VOICE she had. It did have a positive affect on me. But I have not had a phone conversation with her yet—that is to take place tomorrow.

I want to meet her, in person, share a space with her and see if that is also another connection. I am struggling with that old Instant Gratification Disorder. I want to know. I want to know now. I want to know yesterday. If I push, though, I have this feeling that it would be disastrous; that if there is something between us, and it is in its infancy, that I will frighten her away, or our energies will be out of step, somehow.

But how can I catalog this? Where do I put her? My approach to her would be different, depending on the answer to that question, and I can't have the answer to that question until I meet her, and so I have no idea how to behave. And I don't want to rush, either. I do, but I don't. I am anxious to feel those things again. . .but I also know that it has to be with the right person, and I don't know if that's who she will be to me, and even if she is, I want to have that old fashioned dating experience at least once, where me and that other person hold back on the physical thing, and we just let it build, and allow ourselves to become acquainted in a real sense, and on many levels. But how can i have that if it IS her, but she lives in another state?

I feel so strongly that I have missed a grand portion of what it is to build a real relationship in a healthy way. I want that.

Even if it's not with her.

Yet, I find myself hoping, it is.

The Beautiful Blogist

All The World's A Stage...

As a person who embraces Spiritual Metaphysics as a belief system, I always try to find correlations. I look for the details that will bring sense to the senseless, or enlightenment to the confusion. One thing I have recently added to my understanding is that astrology is much more than the position of a planet when your were born. There is a deeper meaning. I think we are all born under the signs that will facilitate the growth we need to have. So maybe it's not so much "I'm a Gemini, I'm just that way" but "I'm a Gemini and those traits are things I need to look at, and bring into harmony in this life," or "those are the traits that will allow me to experience certain dynamics that will cause my most beneficial growth..." This is in alignment with my belief in karma and Dharma and reincarnation. We have a purpose for being here in this life, and it is to work through the growth of our souls. I could not be here without purpose, and wouldn't want to be. Our existence has to have meaning.

Shakespeare said, "All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players.
They have their exits and their entrances,
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages."

The infamous bard was referring to the seven types of parts we play within each life. But it occurred to me that this analogy can be stretched to encompass so much more. It can be a way to comprehend the greater purpose we all have in EACH life we live.

I view my place in this life as analogous to playing a part; me, on a stage, playing a role. The character I play is my self in this life, in this body, with the traits born in me. I understand that it's just a role, but I have a responsibility to do a good job and to please my audience and to be supportive to the other actors. If I break character, I don't honor my responsibility, and I mess it up for everyone else. The other players always include some antagonist too, but no matter what that antagonist did during the "play," all the actors meet for the wrap party, and they were all friends, and they all talked about what a great experience they just had together. Because in that space, they know that it was a play, and now they were back to their true selves.

Quantum Physics tells us that reality is merely a projection of the human mind, but in this life, I need to pretend those other characters are real, as is the script, the stage, and the place it is being presented, because I am here to accomplish a task. In order to pull it off, I must willingly suspend my own disbelief. I also chose this part, (and the ones before, and the ones to come) and made a commitment to see it through. Opening Night is when I took my first breath at birth, and my Final Curtain is when this shell I know as my body takes its last breath. It won't mean I can't choose another part, it just means this one is finished. I will be moving on to bigger and better roles; becoming a better actor through experience, and perhaps mentoring other young actors along the way. There is method to the madness after all.

All The World's A Stage...

The CircleCircleCircle Fiasco

I was never so bored in the bedroom in my life! She said she hated toys, and hated penetration, and hated this or that....and it had to be done just-so---way too many boundaries....it was basically oral and tribadism for the sex act...she said even fingers were uncomfortable. (OMG, BECKY)...

I told her I'd had my fingers in there a couple of times when she was relaxed, and i KNEW there wasn't a size issue....

To make matters worse, she demanded that i do a certain thing during oral:: "CircleCircleCircle..." at the exact same speed, for a prolonged amount of time, and if my speed varied at all, i had to START OVER. I felt like she wanted a vibrator, not me. It became such a chore. (My friends still get a kick out of this, and when i spot some woman at a bar, and am considering asking her out, one of them will lean over and say, "CircleCircleCircle" and i am over it....lol).

Finally one night i had had enough and i said, "Ya know what? Shut up and lay down, and let me DO what I DO!" I am very confident about my skills in this area, and i was sick of not being able to use them. She cowered and did it. And guess what? Yeah, you know. She had the best one of her life. So it was like i was having to either be her vibrator, or TRAIN her about things i thought she should KNOW.

The CircleCircleCircle Fiasco

To All The Girls I've Loved Before...

I had this nightmare once, where i walked into a social gathering, and every woman i had ever slept with was there. They all turned in unison upon my arrival, with a varied collection of expressions and responses, and at that moment, i felt as if i would swallow my own teeth. It's not as if i had a horrible track record, or made any real enemies of these women, but the concept was overwhelming in that i had urgent questions that needed answering:
1. Was this a joke?
2. If it was a joke, was i expected to laugh?
3. Had these women all been comparing notes?
4. Was i really dead, and this was my life review?
5. How much alcohol was available to me in that room?

Now, while i am reasonably certain that should this event actually take place, i would have the social grace to handle it, i wonder if I would instead spin on my heel and dash back outside?

I woke up fully prepared to make a few calls and offer any required apologies...

Posted by Jae Baeli at 4:49 AM

To All The Girls I've Loved Before...

Meltdowns, Irony & my Achilles Heel

Fear is not the antecedent of abundance.

I had another mini-meltdown last night. . . when I say meltdown, I don't mean anything huge. . .just angst, tears, frustration, some sadness. . .

It was in regard to someone I've been engaging. Some things have come up in my consciousness. I was aware of these things, but realized I was not thinking about them--purposely avoiding them, because to believe in that reality would suck away the good emotions I was having about talking to this woman—the Beautiful Blogist.

She lives in another state, and after numerous lengthy emails about pretty powerful and profound issues, both of us have agreed that we would like to meet in person. But is this something two people usually do so they can begin a friendship? How can you have a real friendship when you don't share the same locale (unless, of course, you had an in-person friendship beforehand)? Is there a thought in her mind that it might lead to more? OR does she just need the type of friend i can be for her?

I usually flirt with women online. That's a bad habit. I enjoy it, because i love women, and it's fun and titillating. But flirting seems somehow not urbane... even disrespectful, where she's concerned...this could simply be two like-minded souls crossing paths--two people who just vibrated on the same frequency and matched up in order to learn something about each other and themselves. Honestly, though, i didn't initially contact her with any romantic intent--i came across her blogs and they resonated with me so much that i jotted a comment or two and then forgot about it.

I had returned from another weekend at Diversity, wherein i suffered the usual angst about no interesting women, or no women at all. This was coupled with heat intolerance which made me ill, and then that triggered a panic attack. I was down, Frustrated, close to despondent. Who was i kidding? I am much too quirky and unusual to match up with anyone. I was a millimeter away from just giving in and holing up at home, and making my peace with a life of loneliness, with only the sound of my own breathing, and the ache of need for connection with someone.

So Sunday, when i got home, I was in my office, and about to head upstairs to go to bed, when i heard my email sound. Only half-curious, i checked and it was her. The Beautiful Blogist. She appreciated my comments on her blogs, and had this idea that maybe she should contact me, talk to someone "more evolved" for a change. My mood lifted.

I sat down and wrote her back. (it felt a little like the beginning of "You've Got Mail" that movie with Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan, I love that movie. It's so endearing, and it always makes me feel hopeful about finding love in cyberspace)...anyway, since then, she and I have exchanged enough emails to fill a novella. I had no clue how much i would resonate with her. I didn't know i would be so drawn to her, or that my mind would be taking me to all these places with her.... I found a unique kindredness between us, at least as far as words on the screen can impart.

Then, over the next few days, I had those two other experiences that revealed what might be a deeper meaning between us. . .(see blog: Beautiful Blogist). Thus, my efforts to entertain the possibilities with her, of "trying her on" (see blog: Love on the Racks)—has felt good, but I fear it might be the same scenario of my last relationship, and a few others in the past--that was an exercise in futility; a journey from blindness into sight again. But it was a blindness of my own choosing... denial.

It is clear that The Beautiful Blogist is still figuring some things out—things that I've taken care of long ago in the natural growth process. But there are many other things i'm still working on, and i know all the answers won't come in this lifetime. But aren't we all figuring things out? Isn't that what we do, as spiritual beings having a human experience? While she seems unsure of her path, she also seems oddly capable of working that out for herself. Was i just hearing what i wanted to hear?

My brain keeps leaping ahead to "try her on." And i have a love-hate relationship with that emotion. I don't want to go there unless it appears to be organically going there. But i can't resist. She thinks things through, She examines things like I do. But is there a small enough distance between where I am on that growth spectrum and where she is—Practically, cosmically, metaphysically, spiritually and emotionally, she feels so familiar. Like she's in my head. I want her to be that magical someone for me, but i would also cherish a friend like that.

Romantically, I'm not looking for a PERFECT person, just a person PERFECT FOR ME. (and perhaps I should not be looking for that person so much as Allowing what I have created in my mind to be that person--could it be her?). At the same time, i have no way of knowing for sure. Any of it.

I want someone who can be strong when I need that, too. (do I?) Someone who knows herself, accepts herself, wishes to continue the evolution (and how do I know she's not doing that, or being that?) Someone I can make a big deal over because i adore her--but also who can let it be about ME sometimes. Someone who is interested in my work, my creations, as extensions of my identity; who is interested in knowing me on all those levels as well as the more esoteric ones which we have been sharing.

Now, while I believe The Beautiful Blogist wants to evolve, is evolving, is aware of things on a level most are not, and is possibly a genius as far as IQ, I don't think I want to revisit all those things I've already dealt with years ago, as I would merely be backtracking. But it doesn't feel like the old stuff, really....I want the NEW paths, the NEW understanding. . .the NEW experience (but couldn't that be what THIS is?)

I want someone who is positive, and reminds me to be that way, too. (what if she IS positive, and can be aligned with the beliefs I have, but I just caught her during a period of angst, much like the one I am going through? Ironic? Hypocritical? ) I realize that I caught her during a transitional period where she was ending a sort-of relationship and trying to figure it out within the context of her own identity, and maybe she has moved out of that confusion, now, as she says. . . but it makes no difference, This is all paranoid rumination. My need to find my special person.

Throughout our correspondence, it feels like we have known each other longer. The question I struggle with—even at this premature hour—is that I don't know what her role is to be in my life. I have my emotions about it, but am afraid they might be predicated on what I want—I might be doing just what I warned her about: laying a transparency sheet over a person and choosing to believe that the result I see is really there, because I want it so desperately. And desperation is the operative term. Desperation is not only unattractive, it is also a pitfall in the path of life. (Again, I am humbled by the very real possibility that I am guilty of the same weaknesses of which I accuse others).

But desperation colors our decisions and causes us to misstep. It seeps into our consciousness and creates its own reality. This may or may not be the reality that exists. Nor the reality that is more real than our human limitations will allow us to see. And what of the reality I create? A-H said,

You've trained yourself to face reality. You've trained yourself to tell the truth. You've trained yourself to tell it like it is. So in the beginning, these fantasies feel a little inappropriate, because it's like you're fooling yourself. Sometimes people will say, "Well, isn't this just denial?" And we say, we hope so! We hope that you are denying the absence that you do not want. And we hope that you are embracing the presence of what you do. But somehow the idea of denial has become a dirty word to you; like it is virtuous to face the reality of the horror of your own lives. And we would be ignoring anything that did not please us. We would get our eyes on what feels good. (Abraham-Hicks).

....and SHE feels GOOD.....What "feels good" or at least what WAS "feeling good" was the possibility of her being that One that I seek. Friends are great, and i have some great friends...so if i'm brutally honest, i secretly wish her to be more than that.

The flip side of this conundrum is that whatever I may judge her to be, and whatever place in her evolution I may believe she resides, it could all be something else. Or it could all BECOME something else, if it isn't at this point. How many times in my past did I hate it when someone thought I was something i was not? Too many, I fear. There could be tradeoffs (as there always are) that are agreeable to me, because I might feel I am getting enough of something else to balance those incongruities.

One person may offer me obstacles and I know from the other aspects of the relationship and what else I am getting from them, that this is not equitable. Another person may offer me the SAME OBSTACLES, but offer rich additional aspects, that make the obstacles seem inconsequential and negligible.

What I continue to come back to, is that I don't have enough data to be able to make a clear assessment. So perhaps all I need to do is calm down about it and allow the process to be organic.

I cannot know what role she might play in my life, until I meet her, and see what our chemistry could be. . .and I find it difficult to continue this process as it currently is, until I know how to frame it in my mind—am I being a friend? A mentor? A pen pal? A potential mate? Would I behave differently in each of those scenarios? I feel that I would. But Should I? Or should my behavior at this point be only a certain type of behavior, regardless of how it blossoms, or what the flower looks like?

My mind leaps ahead to the logistics: If I do get to meet her in person, (which I'm not sure she could arrange, because she works two jobs) --but if she can arrange the time off, but can't make the trip here, and I end up going to her, I have to deal with the AC in my car being out right now...an 8 and a half hour trip to Texas, without AC. Not something I can do with my heat intolerance...but if I find a way to do it--rent a car or whatever, I can just frame it as a little mini-vacation for myself, meet someone new, have a good time, make a friend, and then have something else in my experience afterward from which to launch new desires, since contrast is the key to that. To wit:

As you diminish contrast, you diminish your ability to decide, and as you diminish your ability to decide, you diminish your ability to focus, and as you diminish your ability to focus, you do away with your reason for existing. (Abraham-Hicks).

It has to do with the way I frame that experience, perhaps. Obviously, I cannot allow myself to go into it with expectations, because I set myself up for disappointment if my meditations/fantasies/wants are not realized. Yet, it is with that higher vibration of expectation, that I create exactly what I wish to have. This dichotomy is troublesome to me, to say the least. How do I reconcile expectations that can cause me great pain or disappointment, with allowing the expectation to create what I wish to have?

I've been learning so much from the modern gurus about living the life I want to have. . .I know that I forget, as most humans do, that reality is something we choose. I still get bogged down in the quagmire of helplessness, the morass of morality, the swamp of insecurity, and I lose my balance. I sink. I drown. I die just a little each time—or perhaps I am resurrected, who's to say?

I suspect that having two mini-meltdowns (or too many meltdowns) in as many weeks is largely stemming from my concentrated work in the areas of my SELFHOOD. I'm stirring everything up, I'm asking the big questions again, I'm examining my beliefs, my thoughts, my fears. . .I have found my major Achilles Heel, which is my overwhelming need to have a partner in my life. But not just any partner. I know too much now to pretend I don't know; I have evolved past that point where I can lie to myself and make concessions about what's okay with me. I know myself too well. And yet, having these higher standards—higher than the norm—I have painted myself into the proverbial corner. If I were to chart it, funnel it down, "do the math":

* There are few people in the orbit I'm in;
* fewer still who are women;
* even fewer who I am likely to cross paths with,
* and even fewer who are gay women
* fewer again, to whom I will be attracted
* and continuing into fewer who are compatible with me on a hundred other levels.


. . .until I have descended into the abyss of elitist romance.

What's a lesbian to do?

The resounding sentiment is "Accept it, and just get more cats."

But is there that much limitation? It makes no sense to me that this must be my fate, and yet my fear tells me it is so. Do I listen to my fear? Intellectually and spiritually, I know that fear is not the antecedent of abundance. Emotionally, I feel that abundance is somehow out of my reach. We are supposed to pay attention to our Emotional Guidance System, yet what if our EGS is retarded on some level?


UPDATE: We have still not had our first phone call due to circumstances beyond her control...but I heard her voice when she left a message on my answering machine, and it made me tingle. Like a silly teenager, I listen to it several times per day, simply because it makes me feel good. Gads. I must have a hole in my head, and my brains are leaking out.

Meltdowns, Irony & my Achilles Heel

I Gore A Phobia

I struggled with whether or not to post this entry. It's very personal. But I also believe that we help each other by sharing our burdens, and I hope that maybe someone might read this and not feel so alone. Below is a journal entry from three years ago about this subject.

"The very difficulty I have in writing this entry. . .or beginning it-- indicates the overwhelming nature of the subject. . .it took me several long minutes of staring at this blank screen before I could even think of a way to start. . .

What's it about then?...it's about epiphanies, evolution, discomfort, comfort Zones, Safe people, Safe Spaces, Knowing that Ignorance really is bliss and conversely, knowledge is hell; it's about knowing myself, and wishing I didn't know.

It's about learning to play to my strengths for once, rather than my weaknesses.

I believe that I am at least mildly agoraphobic. I believe I can conquer that to some degree, in time, but I am only now realizing the pervasive affect it has had on my life. It explains so much of my past behavior. I gave things other names. . .fatigue, health problems, PMS, heartbreak, dysfunctional. . .usually culminating in just saying "I'm fucked up, I guess," or "I'm a sensitive artist type, and need my isolation in order to create.." or "I'm a homebody. . ." But in doing some research, I recognized far too much of myself in the information. Armed with this new information and mindset, I began to revisit some Images of my past. . .images that repeat themselves in varying situations and to varying degrees, but always manifest the same way. . .images of. . .

...avoiding an invitation to a public place because it just made me feel too uneasy;

...starting an argument while out with a friend, because I knew it would mean I could leave;

...avoiding performing solo because it would mean everyone looking at just me, and I would be obligated to be there even if I decided it was too frightening and then I would feel trapped; my fierce avoidance of feeling trapped in ANY situation.

...always wanting to take my own car and not wanting to stay the night at any one else's house;

...getting so antsy waiting in any line... afraid I would push someone out of the way and run outside...

...categorizing my grocery list so that I shopped according to where things were located in the store, so I would not have to backtrack or wander around and could get in and out as efficiently as possible...then, if shopping with someone else, feeling panicky after a certain period of time, suffocated, trapped because I had to wait on them to finish--and all I could think of was wanting to go home;

...Spreading out my errands so that I don't do too many in one day--this incites a feeling of being overwhelmed; never wanting to shop or go along on someone else's errands because there was no guarantee I could leave when I wanted, and constantly hurrying them along and getting mad when I felt they were not properly organized with their shopping list and wasted any time at all getting it done;

I also recall fights with partners where the Safe Space of our home was so compromised, that I had to go outside and sit in my van-- sometimes for hours--before I could calm down.

...being unnaturally afraid of certain sounds. . .like knocks on the door or the phone ringing. . .it seemed to represent a personal invasion, an ambush of sorts. . .my heart pounding, my breathing ragged. . .

...choosing to live in my van, when I became homeless, rather than with a drunken Uncle, or at my newly-married mother's house, because I was fearful I couldn't control that environment, could not create my own space, and would be dealing with obligation and someone else's rules. The idea of that made me feel like I was suffocating.

Being in a crowded place can also make me feel that way, unless I have recharged my "Safe Battery" for awhile. When the charge runs down though, I will want to go home, and cannot be persuaded to stay without a huge disagreement that will eventually develop into full-fledged fisticuffs, if I am challenged on this feeling. . .

Those are just a few examples of many more that have begun to seep into my current consciousness. . .I don't want this thing to cripple me. I am working very hard to understand it and let it serve me rather than Master me. But I know I have to have things a certain way until I learn to control or conquer it. Things have not been that way, maybe EVER, and that's why it has gotten this bad, I think. . .But now I have some ability to control it, as long as others in my life cooperate and don't expect me to be things I simply cannot, right now.

JH is my best friend, and is my "Safe" person. She is my ex, and knows me perhaps better than anyone ever has. There's a huge comfort zone in that. I know she is my Safe Person, my rock--because whenever there is any inkling that she will be too far away or inaccessible, or traveling anywhere without me, I can so easily freak out. I imagine that something awful has happened to her . . .the possibility that she may be either taken from me literally or taken from me figuratively. . .then I absorb the visceral emotions that engenders and I feel like my world collapses around my ears in a giant, thunderous cacophony of paranoia and co-dependence.

Now that I do have some financial stability, and some independence, I am caught in a quandary--between the proverbial rock and a hard place. . .

I know that I have become so eccentric that it would be impossible to expect anyone to be with me in a committed, house-sharing, relationship. I have searched the personal ads, corresponded with many, re-considered possibilities with old friends, tried to meet new people--and always, I am left with the impression that it is all for naught. I am in a location that is not conducive to making a living for most people, nor is it the first place on the map people point to when they are thinking of a state to live in....and The things I seem to require now are not exactly in the personality category of "easy-going."

So I might wind up alone, but I don't want to be.

I might wind up with someone, but not be able to stand it.

That 24/7 Slave-thing is looking more and more plausible."

I wrote that almost three years ago, and today, I can say that I am healthier than I've ever been and these symptoms are not as severe. I am much more easy-going, and I laugh everyday and keep a pretty positive attitude. I can leave my house and my comfort zone for longer periods of time, and usually mask my symptoms when they do appear. I have even managed to make long trips by myself-- one that included getting on a plane to New Jersey and staying at someone's home for a week whom I had known on the Internet for a couple of years. Another two times I made a trip to Kansas City, MO to meet other new friends or dates I had met online. I relish the idea of living in Kansas City—it has everything I've been looking for, and everything that I have not found where I am. But I know that I will never make that move unless I have a Safe Person and comfort zone already established there. I also forced myself to go to Branson several times for a long day and evening on a date; My Safe Person remains the same, but I don't freak out when she goes out of town anymore, and don't usually have tragic fantasies. These improvements are partly due to my concerted effort to improve and partly due to the fact that I have arranged my life so that these phobic reactions don't appear every often. These issues have been made more apparent recently, because I have been single for a few years and have been dating for the last year of it.

So if any of you out there share this challenge, take heart. Agoraphobia is not a mental illness. It's a behavioral disorder. And it can be addressed and can be conquered. I just haven't allowed myself to focus on ridding myself of it until now. So I have still more work to do.

I Gore A Phobia

Hillary for President.....in 2012

I would vote for Hillary. But I am convinced she won't win. As a matter of principal, i might vote for her, even knowing that, just to send the message. But i am fearful that it won't matter, especially if Bush's cronies have access to the machines again. Even though i believe Hillary Clinton is qualified, capable and would do great things for this country, I don't think this society is ready for a female president. I'm ready for one, but i don't think John Q. Public is.

Hillary's path to the White House (or should i say, "Back" to the White House) must be predicated on her presence in the administration as a Second in Command, or in some other high profile position, first. I think the wise path for her would be to throw her support behind a qualified, Caucasian man, with the understanding that she would be chosen as V.P. after he is the Democratic candidate. Then the voting public will see her as qualified, on her own merit, rather than as an extension of Bill, who was the victim of a republican smear campaign. (all that is for another blog--i still believe that Bill Clinton was the best president in a long long time, notwithstanding his personal issues which should have remained personal).

Every campaign peppers the media with slogans such as "it's time for a change" or "it's time for a new direction." But it was never more cogent than it is right now. With catastrophic climate change on the horizon, the need for change is only th tip of the iceberg (pun intended). With nations warring with each other and the threats of unrest and annihilation in our midst; with Americans fighting for their right to have employment in their own homeland, amid infiltration from outsiders; and with health care, education and personal safety continuing issues that are ignored, change is indeed what we need. Real change. Not the usual rusty cogs of the good-old-boy network, and most assuredly not the partisanship and petty mudslinging and outmoded electoral college and electronic voting machines that are far too easily manipulated. We've been a patriarchy long enough. Viva la matriarchy!

Hillary for President.....in 2012