It's kind of rare for me to be in a funk these days but that's where I am. We have a 
president who took the office by dishonest means, and is pissing off every other country in the world with his war and his bully mentality, and I fear that we will all be blown off the face of the earth before it's over.
I have just completed several books and am now in this dry spell where I don’t want to do anything. I don't feel well, and am tired all the time. I feel this cloying fear all the time, that I am somehow running out of time to have the life I want while I can still enjoy it. I don’t want to be single—I hate it. But I also know that I am way too aware of what I require in order to live that life I want. I cannot pretend I don’t' know that. And I can't compromise on most of it, because it's now about who I am, and what's important to me.
I continue to be chagrined and disgusted and disheartened by the choices out there in the dating and romance area, and know that I am not helping matters by this tendency I have to have sex when I'm not attracted, nor in love. I must make myself stop that. I think I finally can now, because I'm so tired of the dance. My need for intimacy, I know, stems from my disinterest in pleasing myself, sexually. I need another person in order to feel anything. And yet, I don't feel that much when I'm with those I have no feelings for. So it all becomes an empty experience over all. I'm sure it has something to do with those needed brain chemicals--if they aren't engaged, the libido just stays bored. . .all the more reason why I need a rich relationship that gives me a balance of things, so I can engage those sensations that we all like so much.
And then there are the sheer numbers of women out there who are liars, imbeciles, or emotional cripples—it's hugely depressing. Even the ones who are somewhat normal and decent of character, always seem to have some desperation about them—a desperation that will make them turn themselves over to me, in order to win me over. And none of them have problems with self-gratification, so I know it's for other reasons. They are so desperate for a mate that they will compromise almost anything if they think I might be interested in them as a partner.
My situation does not lend itself to finding the right partner either. I am isolated here and the only choices are ones I will not make. This entire region is fraught with bubba's, dykes, low-brow mentality women who have little to offer me. Since I don't partake of mainstream religion, I can't meet anyone at religious functions, I'm done with school, don't have co-workers, and any other usual method of meeting someone is also not available to me. So I wind up dealing with the internet. Yet I still find the same types there. I hope that somehow fate will see fit to send someone my way who will be just what I need. I've been trying to manifest that in many ways, but am losing my motivation swiftly. I must find a way to accept the possibility that I will remain alone, and I have to find a way to be okay with that. I don't know how I'm going to do it.
