Nanci Griffith as Mentor

I had what I call a Mentor dream last night: when someone you respect and admire comes and speaks to you.....(the photo is of me and Nanci when i met her in Little Rock after a show...I had given her stage manager a letter and so she wanted to talk to me afterward....one of the best moments of my life).

So, the dream....

I was on this campus-type area, walking through a wooded area with benches and fountains and bird feeders. It was still a little dark, but the sun was up. I looked ahead on the path and realized that Nanci Griffith was walking toward me, trailed by a body guard. I had known she was in the area for a show--perhaps at this place that night.

As we passed I said softly, "Hi, Nanci."
She said back "Good morning, Jae."

I stopped and turned to stare at her, and she stopped and looked back at me, smiling. I said, "How in the world could you possibly remember me, with all the faces you see?"

She strolled back toward me. "I remember you," she said.

We started walking together. She seemed very calm, very at peace with everything. I could feel her energy traveling through me and it made me feel peaceful too. She said softly, "You're doing very well, Jae. You've come a long way."

I felt my throat constrict a little with emotion and I kept walking. My usual reasons why this could not be true seemed to be stuck somewhere inside, and I couldn't say them.

She continued: "You're very talented, and you have gifts to bring into the world. It's your responsibility and your honor to share them."

We walked in silence for another little while, listening to the birds sing. She said, "And it's good that you quit smoking." She smiled at me and I looked at her again with amazement.

"How do you know about that?"

She only smiled back knowingly.

"How can you possibly remember me?" I asked her again.

She said, "You're not as forgettable as you think. You make an impression on everyone you meet. What kind is always up to you."

The dream faded then.

Nanci Griffith as Mentor

Behavior 101: A Conundrum

Interpersonal relations. This phrase makes me squint with dread. It used to be something I read in a college communications textbook. Now it is a viable, living, breathing Grendel with very sharp fangs.

Take a situation wherein a group of individuals share a common goal, and fling themselves into the attainment of the goal. They will then, inevitably, have to accept the repercussions and peripheral issues that evolve when there is a group dynamic.

"Okay, if I’m behaving in a way that embarrasses you or causes you discomfort or pain, I guess you should just pull me aside and let me know that."

"Maybe. But how do you know that discomfort is your own issue and not mine? How do you know if maybe it’s your need to control my behavior instead of an effort to help me as a friend to grow as a person?"

"I don’t know."

"Where’s the line between your expectations and my right to be who I am in any given situation?"

"I don’t know. But what sort of friend would I be if I didn’t tell you things people say to me about you?"

"Maybe in some cases, I don’t care what they think about me. If these people feel so incompatible with me, why do they continue to hang around and put up with all my grief?"

"Maybe because of the situation--I mean, maybe they have a responsibility to stay in the situation and you’re just part of the package. If that’s true, then don’t you have a responsibility to do your best to be a person who at least makes an effort to be good-natured?"

"I don’t know...maybe I do. But at what point does this effort to keep things amicable, compromise my right to free expression?"

"I don’t know."

"If my behavior is objectionable to these people, why don’t they just come to me and say so?"

"Because they’re afraid of you. Afraid of your reaction."

"My reaction is beside the point in this case. My reaction is my responsibility, yes. And I have an obligation to be mindful of my interaction with others, but I cannot be blamed for their fear, and the way that fear feeds into their reluctance to do what needs to be done to alleviate at least a portion of the problem."

"Or maybe you’re just copping out because you want to justify your behavior instead of looking at it and making changes."

"Ouch."

The breadth of this subject can be overwhelming. Dealing with others. Dealing with others fairly. Dealing with others fairly while remaining fair with oneself. And what is fair? Who has the definition for that one? Can we ever be sure that our right to set parameters for what we will and will not tolerate, is not simply a matter of opinion and not an indication of an infringed-upon boundary?

Behavior 101: A Conundrum