25 August 2007

The Beautiful Blogist


In my experiments with the Law of Attraction, I have been putting forth the intention of knowing and/or recognizing who my perfect partner is by how I feel, since that is both THE strongest and MY strongest sense that connects me to Higher Self and truth, and because it is connected to those brain chemicals that so often deny me the falling-in-love experience. I also know that it is a way for me to recognize my kindreds, as I resonate well only with those who are on a similar path and want similar things


That said, I am feeling something inexplicable with this Beautiful Blogist I've begun to know, since we began our exchange of ideas. I did not expect this "knowing" to be present in a virtual way—I thought it could only happen in person—and maybe that's true, and this is something else I'm feeling; like Hope, wishful thinking, or superimposing my intentions and needs onto the first person who seems to resonate with me on some meaningful level.

I did notice that last night I remembered I had a little time left on my personals membership and I ought to use it to find a date, but the whole time I was scrolling through and reading profiles, I kept thinking "They are not her.". . .odd.

S
o maybe it is that I just want to find my perfect partner, and I hope that The Beautiful Blogist is it, because I already feel so connected to her psychologically, emotionally and spiritually, and those are the most important things to me in a partnership. I have to say that her intelligence and her depth is not only engaging, but an aphrodisiac. Intelligence is sexy to me...and so I can't help it that she's so smart...

Yet, I have had two experiences in meditation that I cannot explain—this presence of her, this joy, this ability to lose myself in that moment,
created in my resting consciousness. I had gone into the first meditation with an intention to still my mind and not do the usual manifesting I do. I went in it intending to allow the Universe to tell me something I need to know, with no preconceived notion of what that would be. . .I was being open for information. . .and when I spent the first few moments releasing the intruding, controlling thoughts, I reached a place where I could be quiet. . .I just listened to the CD of a thunderstorm and focused on that, keeping my mind clear. . .

. . .then I started getting snapshots which were speeding up into an almost-video (I am usually not visual enough to maintain clear, video-like images) and these speedy snapshots were of me and someone—I could not see her face, but I could FEEL her—sharing an intimate bonding moment
where we were laughing and talking and flirting and just being together. . . and we were expressing our love physically soon and it was such a beautiful, profound merging of two souls, that I was rapt with wonder. . .it was like I wanted to unzip her and climb inside, and I wanted her to do the same. . .I wanted to merge with her, and I could not get close enough.

When I came out of my trance, I felt this rare joy and there were tears rolling down my face.

The second time, the next night, again open only for information, and expecting something entirely different than the night before, it was like some fantasy of our first kiss. And it was her. Not a faceless, nameless person. . .but HER. The Beautiful Blogist. When our lips met I felt that electrical charge that I hadn't felt in more than 10 years. . . the feeling I thought had been removed from my experience forever. It was there with her, and I knew I was about to fall headlong into a searing, profoundly beautiful love affair.

Was this the answer to my questions? Was it the Universe playing some cruel joke on me? or was this telling me I will find the one I seek? Or was it telling me I had ALREADY FOUND HER??? Or, was it *Again* wishful thinking? The power of my need? Or just the usual fantasy one has when "trying someone on" for size? (see blog entry: Love on the Racks). The glitch in that, is I was in a meditative state, not one of fantasizing, and also that I never feel that way when trying someone on. . .I can't get that emotion to match the vision. This vision was presented to me, unbidden. I was not even thinking of her. And besides...i don't have sexual fantasies very often. I can never keep hold of them. Maybe that's why i stay so frustrated.....wow...i just realized that might be why i write erotica the way I do and have to make a concerted effort to keep it out of at least a few of my novels...it is the only way i can have a fantasy...mmm...epiphany alert......

I'm not sure what's happening. I only know that she is the most significant person to cross my path in some time. The others were valuable in their own way, but somehow this feels like something else. I don't dare mention this in any specific way to her, because it is too early to know what we will be to each other until our energies share the same space. And I also don't dare mention it for fear she will think I'm some sort of obsessive-clinging-stalker, with a secret agenda. I want her to know who I really am, and who I am on other levels. . .

When I write to her my thoughts flow and they are voluminous. She intrigues me, she makes me excited about learning and understanding in a new way, and sharing my own experience with her; the things I've learned along my own path. . . and then there is this tenderness in me toward her which I have no basis for. . . so often I sense this overwhelming need to put my arms around her and just hold her close, feel her next to me, show her something soothing and real. . .it's insane, really. WE HAVEN'T MET. Still, I know it's not because I'm a crazy obsessed stalker. Totally not part of my identity. So I can only surmise it is either some fantasy gone out of control, with some existing person to attach it to, or it is actually meaningful in that she REALLY IS different, and our meeting has been arranged on some vibrational level, due to my work with the Law of Attraction and Deliberate Creation and Allowing.

When I hear that little email sound, I have a nanosecond of genuine excitement—a thrill. I hope it's her. And when I see it's not, my energy drops and I can't concentrate on anything but her, and I end up just reading the other things she wrote to me before. . .if the mail IS from her, I smile, and feel my energy rise. At the end of the workday, i know i won't have contact with her until the next day, and it keeps me from sleeping. It's like my brain has fallen in love with her brain. Is that possible?

Brains are connected to bodies, yes, and we have not met in person, no. But the mind . . .the mind is not the physical brain, it is the energy that imbues the brain. . .so therefore, my mind could be in love with her mind, and that would not be far-fetched because mind is all I know of her in any authentic way, and mind is both local and non-local in nature—part of the collective consciousness. . .so I may be feeling what is out there in the cosmos—my mind dancing with her mind.

I even wrote a poem to her, that I will not ever share with her, unless we move into a romantic affiliation. And I wrote a sort of vow to her, as if it was something I would say if we were to have a Union of any kind—talk about LEAPING ahead. . . this behavior completely confuses me. Was she my mate in a past life, and that's coming up because that's part of what i know of her?

I want her to call me. I want to call her. I want to hear her voice and see if it also resonates with me on that auditory level we both share. I did call her phone when I knew she wouldn't answer, to hear her outgoing message, and her voice was just as I FELT it would be. I had heard her voice in that meditation, and it was the SAME VOICE she had. It did have a positive affect on me. But I have not had a phone conversation with her yet—that is to take place tomorrow.

I want to meet her, in person, share a space with her and see if that is also another connection. I am struggling with that old Instant Gratification Disorder. I want to know. I want to know now. I want to know yesterday. If I push, though, I have this feeling that it would be disastrous; that if there is something between us, and it is in its infancy, that I will frighten her away, or our energies will be out of step, somehow.

But how can I catalog this? Where do I put her? My approach to her would be different, depending on the answer to that question, and I can't have the answer to that question until I meet her, and so I have no idea how to behave. And I don't want to rush, either. I do, but I don't. I am anxious to feel those things again. . .but I also know that it has to be with the right person, and I don't know if that's who she will be to me, and even if she is, I want to have that old fashioned dating experience at least once, where me and that other person hold back on the physical thing, and we just let it build, and allow ourselves to become acquainted in a real sense, and on many levels. But how can i have that if it IS her, but she lives in another state?

I feel so strongly that I have missed a grand portion of what it is to build a real relationship in a healthy way. I want that.

Even if it's not with her.

Yet, I find myself hoping, it is.



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21 August 2007

All The World's A Stage...

As a person who embraces Spiritual Metaphysics as a belief system, I always try to find correlations. I look for the details that will bring sense to the senseless, or enlightenment to the confusion. One thing I have recently added to my understanding is that astrology is much more than the position of a planet when your were born. There is a deeper meaning. I think we are all born under the signs that will facilitate the growth we need to have. So maybe it's not so much "I'm a Gemini, I'm just that way" but "I'm a Gemini and those traits are things I need to look at, and bring into harmony in this life," or "those are the traits that will allow me to experience certain dynamics that will cause my most beneficial growth..." This is in alignment with my belief in karma and Dharma and reincarnation. We have a purpose for being here in this life, and it is to work through the growth of our souls. I could not be here without purpose, and wouldn't want to be. Our existence has to have meaning.


Shakespeare said, "All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players.
They have their exits and their entrances,
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages."

The infamous bard was referring to the seven types of parts we play within each life. But it occurred to me that this analogy can be stretched to encompass so much more. It can be a way to comprehend the greater purpose we all have in EACH life we live.

I view my place in this life as analogous to playing a part; me, on a stage, playing a role. The character I play is my self in this life, in this body, with the traits born in me. I understand that it's just a role, but I have a responsibility to do a good job and to please my audience and to be supportive to the other actors. If I break character, I don't honor my responsibility, and I mess it up for everyone else. The other players always include some antagonist too, but no matter what that antagonist did during the "play," all the actors meet for the wrap party, and they were all friends, and they all talked about what a great experience they just had together. Because in that space, they know that it was a play, and now they were back to their true selves.

Quantum Physics tells us that reality is merely a projection of the human mind, but in this life, I need to pretend those other characters are real, as is the script, the stage, and the place it is being presented, because I am here to accomplish a task. In order to pull it off, I must willingly suspend my own disbelief. I also chose this part, (and the ones before, and the ones to come) and made a commitment to see it through. Opening Night is when I took my first breath at birth, and my Final Curtain is when this shell I know as my body takes its last breath. It won't mean I can't choose another part, it just means this one is finished. I will be moving on to bigger and better roles; becoming a better actor through experience, and perhaps mentoring other young actors along the way. There is method to the madness after all.
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14 August 2007

The CircleCircleCircle Fiasco

Painting by Wassily KandinskyI was never so bored in the bedroom in my life! She said she hated toys, and hated penetration, and hated this or that....and it had to be done just-so---way too many boundaries....it was basically oral and tribadism for the sex act...she said even fingers were uncomfortable. (OMG, BECKY)...

I told her I'd had my fingers in there a couple of times when she was relaxed, and i KNEW there wasn't a size issue....

To make matters worse, she demanded that i do a certain thing during oral:: "CircleCircleCircle..." at the exact same speed, for a prolonged amount of time, and if my speed varied at all, i had to START OVER. I felt like she wanted a vibrator, not me. It became such a chore. (My friends still get a kick out of this, and when i spot some woman at a bar, and am considering asking her out, one of them will lean over and say, "CircleCircleCircle" and i am over it....lol).

Finally one night i had had enough and i said, "Ya know what? Shut up and lay down, and let me DO what I DO!" I am very confident about my skills in this area, and i was sick of not being able to use them. She cowered and did it. And guess what? Yeah, you know. She had the best one of her life. So it was like i was having to either be her vibrator, or TRAIN her about things i thought she should KNOW.



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11 August 2007

To All The Girls I've Loved Before...


I had this nightmare once, where i walked into a social gathering, and every woman i had ever slept with was there. They all turned in unison upon my arrival, with a varied collection of expressions and responses, and at that moment, i felt as if i would swallow my own teeth. It's not as if i had a horrible track record, or made any real enemies of these women, but the concept was overwhelming in that i had urgent questions that needed answering:
1. Was this a joke?
2. If it was a joke, was i expected to laugh?
3. Had these women all been comparing notes?
4. Was i really dead, and this was my life review?
5. How much alcohol was available to me in that room?

Now, while i am reasonably certain that should this event actually take place, i would have the social grace to handle it, i wonder if I would instead spin on my heel and dash back outside?

I woke up fully prepared to make a few calls and offer any required apologies...


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10 August 2007

Meltdowns, Irony & my Achilles Heel

Fear is not the antecedent of abundance.

I had another mini-meltdown last night. . . when I say meltdown, I don't mean anything huge. . .just angst, tears, frustration, some sadness. . .

It was in regard to someone I've been engaging. Some things have come up in my consciousness. I was aware of these things, but realized I was not thinking about them--purposely avoiding them, because to believe in that reality would suck away the good emotions I was having about talking to
this woman—the Beautiful Blogist.

She lives in another state, and after numerous lengthy emails about pretty powerful and profound issues, both of us have agreed that we would like to meet in person. But is this something two people usually do so they can begin a friendship? How can you have a real friendship when you don't share the same locale (unless, of course, you had an in-person friendship beforehand)? Is there a thought in her mind that it might lead to more? OR does she just need the type of friend i can be for her?

I usually flirt with women online. That's a bad habit. I enjoy it, because i love
women, and it's fun and titillating. But flirting seems somehow not urbane... even disrespectful, where she's concerned...this could simply be two like-minded souls crossing paths--two people who just vibrated on the same frequency and matched up in order to learn something about each other and themselves. Honestly, though, i didn't initially contact her with any romantic intent--i came across her blogs and they resonated with me so much that i jotted a comment or two and then forgot about it.

I had returned from another weekend at Diversity, wherein i suffered the
usual angst about no interesting women, or no women at all. This was coupled with heat intolerance which made me ill, and then that triggered a panic attack. I was down, Frustrated, close to despondent. Who was i kidding? I am much too quirky and unusual to match up with anyone. I was a millimeter away from just giving in and holing up at home, and making my peace with a life of loneliness, with only the sound of my own breathing, and the ache of need for connection with someone.

So Sunday, when i got home, I was in my office, and about to head upstairs to go to bed, when i heard my email sound. Only half-curious, i checked and it was her. The Beautiful Blogist. She appreciated my comments on her blogs, and had this idea that maybe she should contact me, talk to someone "more evolved" for a change. My mood lifted.

I sat down and wrote her back. (it felt a little like the beginning of "You've Got Mail" that movie with Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan, I love that movie. It's so endearing, and it always makes me feel hopeful about finding love in cyberspace)...anyway, since then, she and I have exchanged enough emails to fill a novella. I had no clue how much i would resonate with her. I didn't know i would be so drawn to her, or that my mind would be taking me to all these places with her.... I found a unique kindredness between us, at least as far as words on the screen can impart.

Then, over the next few days, I had those two other experiences that revealed what might be a deeper meaning between us. . .(see blog: Beautiful Blogist). Thus, my efforts to entertain the possibilities with her, of "trying her on" (see blog: Love on the Racks)—has felt good, but I fear it might be the same scenario of my last relationship, and a few others in the past--that was an exercise in futility; a journey from blindness into sight again. But it was a blindness of my own choosing... denial.

It is clear that The Beautiful Blogist is still figuring some things out—things that I've taken care of long ago in the natural growth process. But there are many other things i'm still working on, and i know all the answers won't come in this lifetime. But aren't we all figuring things out? Isn't that what we do, as spiritual beings having a human experience? While she seems unsure of her path, she also seems oddly capable of working that out for herself. Was i just hearing what i wanted to hear?

My brain keeps leaping ahead to "try her on." And i have a love-hate relationship with that emotion. I don't want to go there unless it appears to be organically going there. But i can't resist. She thinks things through, She examines things like I do. But is there a small enough distance between where I am on that growth spectrum and where she is—Practically, cosmically, metaphysically, spiritually and emotionally, she feels so familiar. Like she's in my head. I want her to be that magical someone for me, but i would also cherish a friend like that.

Romantically, I'm not looking for a PERFECT person, just a person PERFECT FOR ME. (and perhaps I should not be looking for that person so much as Allowing what I have created in my mind to be that person--could it be her?). At the same time, i have no way of knowing for sure. Any of it.

I want someone who can be strong when I need that, too. (do I?) Someone who knows herself, accepts herself, wishes to continue the evolution (and how do I know she's not doing that, or being that?) Someone I can make a big deal over because i adore her--but also who can let it be about ME sometimes. Someone who is interested in my work, my creations, as extensions of my identity; who is interested in knowing me on all those levels as well as the more esoteric ones which we have been sharing.

Now, while I believe The Beautiful Blogist wants to evolve, is evolving, is aware of things on a level most are not, and is possibly a genius as far as IQ, I don't think I want to revisit all those things I've already dealt with years ago, as I would merely be backtracking. But it doesn't feel like the old stuff, really....I want the NEW paths, the NEW understanding. . .the NEW experience (but couldn't that be what THIS is?)

I want someone who is positive, and reminds me to be that way, too. (what if she IS positive, and can be aligned with the beliefs I have, but I just caught her during a period of angst, much like the one I am going through? Ironic? Hypocritical? ) I realize that I caught her during a transitional period where she was ending a sort-of relationship and trying to figure it out within the context of her own identity, and maybe she has moved out of that confusion, now, as she says. . . but it makes no difference, This is all paranoid rumination. My need to find my special person.

Throughout our correspondence, it feels like we have known each other longer. The question I struggle with—even at this premature hour—is that I don't know what her role is to be in my life. I have my emotions about it, but am afraid they might be predicated on what I want—I might be doing just what I warned her about: laying a transparency sheet over a person and choosing to believe that the result I see is really there, because I want it so desperately. And desperation is the operative term. Desperation is not only unattractive, it is also a pitfall in the path of life. (Again, I am humbled by the very real possibility that I am guilty of the same weaknesses of which I accuse others).

But desperation colors our decisions and causes us to misstep. It seeps into our consciousness and creates its own reality. This may or may not be the reality that exists. Nor the reality that is more real than our human limitations will allow us to see. And what of the reality I create? A-H said,

You've trained yourself to face reality. You've trained yourself to tell the truth. You've trained yourself to tell it like it is. So in the beginning, these fantasies feel a little inappropriate, because it's like you're fooling yourself. Sometimes people will say, "Well, isn't this just denial?" And we say, we hope so! We hope that you are denying the absence that you do not want. And we hope that you are embracing the presence of what you do. But somehow the idea of denial has become a dirty word to you; like it is virtuous to face the reality of the horror of your own lives. And we would be ignoring anything that did not please us. We would get our eyes on what feels good. (Abraham-Hicks).


....and SHE feels GOOD.....What "feels good" or at least what WAS "feeling good" was the possibility of her being that One that I seek. Friends are great, and i have some great friends...so if i'm brutally honest, i secretly wish her to be more than that.

The flip side of this conundrum is that whatever I may judge her to be, and whatever place in her evolution I may believe she resides, it could all be something else. Or it could all BECOME something else, if it isn't at this point. How many times in my past did I hate it when someone thought I was something i was not? Too many, I fear. There could be tradeoffs (as there always are) that are agreeable to me, because I might feel I am getting enough of something else to balance those incongruities.

One person may offer me obstacles and I know from the other aspects of the relationship and what else I am getting from them, that this is not equitable. Another person may offer me the SAME OBSTACLES, but offer rich additional aspects, that make the obstacles seem inconsequential and negligible.

What I continue to come back to, is that I don't have enough data to be able to make a clear assessment. So perhaps all I need to do is calm down about it and allow the process to be organic.

I cannot know what role she might play in my life, until I meet her, and see what our chemistry could be. . .and I find it difficult to continue this process as it currently is, until I know how to frame it in my mind—am I being a friend? A mentor? A pen pal? A potential mate? Would I behave differently in each of those scenarios? I feel that I would. But Should I? Or should my behavior at this point be only a certain type of behavior, regardless of how it blossoms, or what the flower looks like?

My mind leaps ahead to the logistics: If I do get to meet her in person, (which I'm not sure she could arrange, because she works two jobs) --but if she can arrange the time off, but can't make the trip here, and I end up going to her, I have to deal with the AC in my car being out right now...an 8 and a half hour trip to Texas, without AC. Not something I can do with my heat intolerance...but if I find a way to do it--rent a car or whatever, I can just frame it as a little mini-vacation for myself, meet someone new, have a good time, make a friend, and then have something else in my experience afterward from which to launch new desires, since contrast is the key to that. To wit:

As you diminish contrast, you diminish your ability to decide, and as you diminish your ability to decide, you diminish your ability to focus, and as you diminish your ability to focus, you do away with your reason for existing. (Abraham-Hicks).


It has to do with the way I frame that experience, perhaps. Obviously, I cannot allow myself to go into it with expectations, because I set myself up for disappointment if my meditations/fantasies/wants are not realized. Yet, it is with that higher vibration of expectation, that I create exactly what I wish to have. This dichotomy is troublesome to me, to say the least. How do I reconcile expectations that can cause me great pain or disappointment, with allowing the expectation to create what I wish to have?

I've been learning so much from the modern gurus about living the life I want to have. . .I know that I forget, as most humans do, that reality is something we choose. I still get bogged down in the quagmire of helplessness, the morass of morality, the swamp of insecurity, and I lose my balance. I sink. I drown. I die just a little each time—or perhaps I am resurrected, who's to say?

I suspect that having two mini-meltdowns (or too many meltdowns) in as many weeks is largely stemming from my concentrated work in the areas of my SELFHOOD. I'm stirring everything up, I'm asking the big questions again, I'm examining my beliefs, my thoughts, my fears. . .I have found my major Achilles Heel, which is my overwhelming need to have a partner in my life. But not just any partner. I know too much now to pretend I don't know; I have evolved past that point where I can lie to myself and make concessions about what's okay with me. I know myself too well. And yet, having these higher standards—higher than the norm—I have painted myself into the proverbial corner. If I were to chart it, funnel it down, "do the math":

* There are few people in the orbit I'm in;
* fewer still who are women;
* even fewer who I am likely to cross paths with,
* and even fewer who are gay women
* fewer again, to whom I will be attracted
* and continuing into fewer who are compatible with me on a hundred other levels.


. . .until I have descended into the abyss of elitist romance.

What's a lesbian to do?

The resounding sentiment is "Accept it, and just get more cats."

But is there that much limitation? It makes no sense to me that this must be my fate, and yet my fear tells me it is so. Do I listen to my fear? Intellectually and spiritually, I know that fear is not the antecedent of abundance. Emotionally, I feel that abundance is somehow out of my reach. We are supposed to pay attention to our Emotional Guidance System, yet what if our EGS is retarded on some level?


UPDATE: We have still not had our first phone call due to circumstances beyond her control...but I heard her voice when she left a message on my answering machine, and it made me tingle. Like a silly teenager, I listen to it several times per day, simply because it makes me feel good. Gads. I must have a hole in my head, and my brains are leaking out.



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