Silk Purses from Sow's Ears

My best friend holds that distinction for many reasons, not the least of which is, she manages to teach me how to find opportunity in adversity.

During this recent challenge, though I approached it as I always do, by getting information and understanding what I really had to face, (and what I didn't)--in seeking the truth--I was very proactive about tackling the situation. But within that mindset, still lived my tendency to allowed myself to be beaten down by repetitive ideas...like the idea that my life was on hold and there was nothing I could do about it.

So Justi and I were talking on the phone (which we do several times per day) and in speaking of the delays in my move to Colorado, the obstacles...i worked myself into a lather and heard myself say, "If i have to stay in this situation much longer, it's going to kill me." I think she took that to mean i was suicidal, and that wasn't the case. I have been through that dark night of soul and and have come to a conclusion that precludes taking my own life. I said "I don't want to die, I just don't want to live like THIS." That's an important distinction. But for whatever reason, my friend thought I was fearful that I would become suicidal, so her skill of making a Silk Purse out of a Sow's Ear kicked in.

She began to form a plan that would get me to Colorado. We discussed the details and at the end of it, I realized she was right. I could go. I could get there by August 1st. I would have to make a different set of decisions and let go of some old ideas, as well as some material possessions.

That was the first pertinent point: are these THINGS more important than my sanity or my happiness? Well of course not. So if I sold, gave away or tossed most of my stuff, the costs would decrease substantially, because I could drive there in my Blazer, pulling a U-haul trailer instead of dealing with a truck and auto transport. And, as it has happened several times before, i realized i was also maintaining a paradigm that was no longer supported by the details. I've written about this before. It's that tendency we have to hold onto our ideas about how things are, when things have changed since that assessment was made. We have to go back and look at the details that brought us to that conclusion and ask ourselves if those details are still true or even still exist. If they don't then the assessment of the situation must change, because the ingredients have changed.

One of those details -the most pertinent one--was that i no longer had a crappy undependable car. I had a really nice Blazer. With more room inside, and a luggage rack on top, and a TOWING HITCH. So the necessity of an auto transport, and thus, a TRUCK to pull it, meant more costs. If that was no longer in the paradigm, then the costs were less, which helped make it doable. Then we went through my budget spreadsheets and added up what I would have over the next few months and what i could generate by selling many of those things that kept me tied to this location. This created a possibility where there was none. And all I had to do was let go of some ideas and some material possessions.

So I am moving Aug 1st. Traveling light, but certain that my smile will become bigger and bigger the closer I get to Colorado.

I love my best friend.

Silk Purses from Sow's Ears

Herniated Disco: Necessary Scissors

"It's hard to separate our feelings of obligation from our own healthy choices...bottom line, people do what they do. If they don't want to do it, they won't. If they did it with strings attached, they shouldn't be surprised when someone has scissors, and knows how to use them."

The above quote is one of my own, and appropriate for this post. The scissors necessary in this case have to do with a certain friend who has let me down one too many times. I have high standards for the people I consider my close friends, but i also know how to forgive when warranted, and the value of compassion and second chances. But there are no more Get out of Jail Free cards for this friend.

I mentioned her most recently in a previous Herniated Disco post...she was the one who was coming to help me in my time of greatest need. She was going to live in my home for free and be around when I needed help during my recovery. She was going to attend the nursing school here--a goal she claims to have had for a long time, and for which she is not only suited but has lengthy practical experience for since she has worked as a CNA for a long time. She was also going to move to Colorado with me and start her fresh life there. Not only did she not do any of that. But she just abruptly stopped calling. Mind you i live alone and my best friend is two hours away and could only get away from her 15-hour a day, 6 or 7 day per week job to help me once a week. (But my best friend called me several times a day). Here I am, laid up in bed, in excruciating pain, all alone, and she goes off the grid. (I also had a bit of a setback because i had to go get a box of kitty litter in and down the stairs, and also dump a pan that had gotten too full, and I think that's what caused my disc to regress to where it was three weeks ago...this was the sort of thing she had promised to do for me when she got here.)

Now, this silence isn't new for her. I wasn't concerned for her well-being. This is a pattern she has. She'll appear, asking for my advice--usually about a relationship. About the last 30 times it has been about her most recent girlfriend. THe one who turned out to be abusive and quite literally mentally ill. Long story short, my friend continued to go back to the relationship even after repeated epiphanies about why she should not, and thanking me for my counsel and agreeing with my assessment, etc. Back and forth, like a yo-yo--swearing she's DONE with the girl, DONE with being mistreated, and all fired up that she'll finally start having some self respect, and then there will be a long silence and she'll reappear, having gotten back with the girl, and then experienced a new wave of issues, and breaking up again...and it will be OVER. DONE FOR REAL THIS TIME. This most recent one was the same relationship in which she asked for my help--asked me to do something on her behalf, and when her girlfriend verbally attacked me for it, screaming at me on the phone over it, my "friend" did not stick up for me and confess it was her idea. I finally just wrote her an email that was all about me trying to make her see, once and for all, how this pattern was going to destroy her life, and indeed had been destroying her life...I was firm, but honest and genuinely trying to help her one last time. She took the crazy girlfriend's side, twisted everything around and said some pretty hateful things back to me. I let it drop and assumed that was the end of it.

Then she came back later with her hat in her hands, the same song and dance, thanking me, telling me she was so sorry and I was right, etc, etc. Against my better judgment, I accepted her apology. I knew she was her own worst enemy.

Now this, with her emphatic pronouncements of helping me, all the things she could do to make me feel better, etc, free of the last crazy girl for a little longer. I again took her word. BUt here is the pattern again. She falls off the gird, stops calling, and I know that either she has gone back to the psycho girlfriend, or reneged again on her promises to me--or BOTH.

It might be important at this juncture to point out that she had done this very same thing before--giving me her word she was moving in--that was going to allow me to save the money to move to Colorado and get her out of the town she hated living in, and allow her to go to nursing school. And then weaseling out.

SO --i heard nothing from her for several weeks. Several weeks while I am still in a recovery process and needing the help she was supposed to provide in exchange for a free place to live; several weeks wherein she did not call at all, and so had no idea if I was better or worse or in the hospital, or DEAD.

Then day before yesterday, she started calling and I was just unwilling to answer that phone. She called about three times and then a few times yesterday. She left no messages. I know how this part goes and I'm sick to death of it.

I believe it's time for me to cut the cord. Not on the phone. On her. I just can't go round and round like this, and I have to know I can trust the word of my friends. And I also can do without the emotional damage that keeps her in bad relationships and bouncing back to me for advice she agrees with but never takes. I can't do it anymore.

Remember those Necessary Scissors?

SNIP. SNIP.

Herniated Disco: Necessary Scissors

Herniated Disco: Quantum Bungee

So I'm standing in the middle of the room, my T-shirt pulled over my head from the back, to bunch in the front, while I'm gathering my hair up to the top of my head, so that I can put the hair Bungee around it, so that i can apply Kinesio Tape to my neck...and just like that, the bungee was gone.

I continued to hold my bunched up hair atop my head, and looked around on the carpet. No Bungee. I made another thorough check to no avail; I even check my clothes and pockets, doing a little shimmy shake in case it just dropped onto a wrinkle, snagged on a protruding piece of fabric. Still no Bungee. And because i think nothing of talking to myself, I said aloud, "What the hell? Did it just slip into a parallel universe?" My cats (who insist I don't talk to myself, but to THEM) shrugged and were content to just watch the mystery unfold and to see how I would solve it.

I could not come up with an answer. So my next decision was to search for another Bungee. I dropped the hold on my gathered hair, and then Isaw it. It was around my wrist, like a tiny black elastic bracelet. Now, how did I NOT feel it roll onto my wrist? And yet, I have frequently looked all over for my pen, or my car keys and later found them. IN MY HAND.

I regathered and Bungeed my hair, and chalked it up to more evidence that just because I can't figure something out, doesn't mean there's not an explanation; and just because it did not go into a parallel universe, it doesn't mean there isn't one. Or two, or three. Or an infinite number. Regardless, I just hope that if I fall into one of those universes during my meanderings, they have plenty of Bungees.

Herniated Disco: Quantum Bungee

Herniated Disco: How the Bleep Do YOU Know?

Have been using affirmations lately, trying to have some control over my healing instead of feeling so victimized...been chanting those when i go for walks...and been watching my thoughts and trying to be positive.

My Netflix came yesterday with "What the Bleep Do We Know?" --I've seen it before, but am revisiting all kinds of ideas, hoping to find help...I watched it last night and want to watch again today. Trying to be open to anything that might help me heal from this, and from the emotional damage I've had for a while now...decided i should give the 'thoughts are things' and law of attraction stuff another try--not because i believe all of it, but because maybe i dismissed all of it when i should have only dismissed part...anything positive in my life right now can't be bad and might help. So i was about to watch it again and it wasn't going back to beginning so i had to stop the whole disk to restart and noticed that on Larry King, right there on the channel it happened to be on, there were four of those people from that film--talking about THOUGHTS ARE THINGS and how we create our own reality, etc. I could not ignore the synchronicity of that.. SO listening to those interviews, and will also watch the movie.

Here's the thing: While I am aware of scientific eividence to back up certain things like the benefits of positive thinking, and the mind-body connection, Belief systems predicated on schools of thought like "The Secret" and "The Law of Attraction" often omit any evidence for those beliefs--just as all religions do. When these various LOA gurus make comments like "We are vibrational beings in a vibrational universe, and we can create our own reality.." My first question is "Based on what evidence?" I know that we are, at our most reduced level, made of atoms. And i know that atoms vibrate. I also know that according to the infamous double-slit experiment, that molecules can be two different things, and in two different places, simultaneously. The mind-bending and bizarre field of quantum mechanics is often only understood by the theoretical physicists who study it, and so lends itself to a healthy dose of mumbo jumbo from laypeople; thus, I feel it is easy for those gurus to capitalize on it, take advantage of the confusion, and appear to be both wise and crazy--just like those molecules in the double-slit experiment.

Herniated Disco: How the Bleep Do YOU Know?

Herniated Disco: Motivations & Ruminations

Tried to stay positive today but had a hard time. A long-time fear which has simmered on the back burner for some time, is now moving toward the front burner. I was thinking about what it might mean...this situation...I intend to do wholeheartedly, start to finish, the steps outlined in the book by Dr. Daulton, when I have all the "ingredients" in place, but if the methods don't ultimately heal me, then what? I had this sort of sick feeling every time i thought about surgery. I don't know if it's just my inherent fear of surgery, in and of itself, or if it's an intuitive warning. I just cannot see how it would be a good decision because what i would deal with after that (and before/during) would more than likely cause even more problems and deny me any quality of life; whereas with the more natural approach, i at least have a chance at regaining some pain-free mobility, even if it takes longer than normal. Maybe it will even take 6 months. A year. I would still do it, because in the long run it's better for me. And all this will likely push the move to farther in the future, which makes it doubly frustrating since everything I've tried to do to make the relocation happen has failed.

But the deeper issue is about pain and immobility. If I am in moderate to severe to unbearable pain all the time during this process, then this is obviously a huge obstacle. Though it would seem I can still write and do my computer-oriented tasks, and lie down whenever i need to...I would not be able to write at my desk, or shop, or clean the litter boxes, etc., because these things make the pain worse, and pain medication might help, but it renders me incapable of driving or even functioning well; to say nothing of the specter of becoming dependent on it, and it endangering my organs eventually. How long would i be able to hold out if I continued to have severe pain? How long before I would just want the pain to end-- Once and for all?

When I think of how dismal my immediate and near future might be, I am then flung into despair, and more fear, and stress. I have so many things i want to do, see, experience; so many more books to write, art to create, music to record, friends to make and ultimately, dating and partnership. All the things that make my life worth living. How long before that pain and suffering leads me to desperate acts? How long before I am begging to make a deal with the devil? Unfortunately, I don't believe in the devil, so once again, it's an option that does not exist.

I suppose it makes little sense to be afraid of death. Death is the Grand Oblivion. To reach it means to reach perfect nothingness. What i am really afraid of is suffering. And, perhaps oddly, I'm also profoundly afraid that my life will be cut short or damaged to the point where I will not get to have those things I have sought for so long; ego aside, it would be tragic for me to be prevented from reaching my goals. I have so much to give. My creative endeavors are the closest thing to a purpose I have. What about all those unfinished manuscripts, unwritten songs or recordings, unpainted pictures, unmolded sculptures? What about all the valuable lessons I have learned, the wisdom I have accumulated? What good does it do anyone else, if it isn't ever shared? So death or incapacitation seems more fairly visited upon those who contribute nothing, or those who contribute evil in any of its forms. But this would imply that Life is fair. And most adults understand that fairness is not something Life offers us. I am far more rooted in the NOW than ever before, since releasing my hold on religion and belief in any gods. This makes my life even more precious. I don't have that false reassurance that I will either be rewarded or offered a better life next time. This life is all I have.

My spirits got a much needed boost by--of all things--going shopping. Bought mini trampoline and therapy ball for the Daulton program, and groceries, *ibuprofen,* *shiatsu neck Massager,* etc. But the boost came when I realized throughout my shopping, that the usual nerve pain didn't appear. In fact, there was little difference between how i felt when i went in and how i felt when i came out. Even carried in all the perishables, and put them away and STILL didn't feel worse. This is encouraging. Since i know the nerve pain comes from impingement, I am a little excited that maybe the impingement has either worked away from the prolapse, or the prolapse has shrunk a bit.

Herniated Disco: Motivations & Ruminations

Herniated Disco: Lies & the Lying Doctors Who Tell Them

I am on new meds and using neck brace and neck pillow and things are doing better. I also just discovered yesterday that the neurology doc LIED to me. I'm about to go after him through certain other channels at the VA. But he told me surgery was my only option and didn't even mention other treatments. I have since found those resources and am pretty pissed that he just decided to tell me that surgery was best for me--he has a responsibility to tell me ALL my options. I was being railroaded. Now I've got up to 6 months to do other things that 95% of the time solves the problem. Can't tell you how infuriated I am. But glad i didn't cave in and believe him.

I have felt a lot better the last two days, with minimal pain. Just the few changes I made as suggested on medical sites has given me that...So I've got everything i need near my bed, including my computer, so that i can still do research and take care of bills and my writing and everything in the meantime.

And a friend of mine is interviewing for a job up here and is planning to move in with me. That will help us both, as I desperately need help, and she desperately needs to get out of the area and away from the people in her life there, and wants to start nursing school. There's a good one here, She also says she's moving to Colorado too at the same time I do. It was so nice to hear someone say they were going to be here to help me. It's been so hard and I've been so emotionally and physically drained. So...win-win.

Herniated Disco: Lies & the Lying Doctors Who Tell Them