30 December 2007

"Don't You DARE say I'm Unique!"

First, let me just do a disclaimer here....I can't profess to know someone i don't know...i can only look at the data i have and make an informed assessment....that's what i'm about to do, but know that i realize i could be completely wrong....i am using this person as an example to get to greater meanings.....i do that a lot. Real examples are always so much better than the hypothetical ones...

Okay....In my account on experienceproject.com, i created a group/interest that directs everyone to Atypical Lesbians forum, should they be interested. I explained, using the description on the home page, primarily, and left a link.

The next day, I got this comment on the post:

Gothgrrl said :
"doesn't that sound a bit discriminating? who said that typical lesbians are not intelligent, witty, loyal or educated??"

I ANSWERED:

Gothgrrrl, the dictionary defines "typical" thus:

1. exhibiting the qualities or characteristics that identify a group or kind or category; "a typical American girl"; "a typical suburban community"; "the typical car owner drives 10,000 miles a year"; "a painting typical of the Impressionist school"; "a typical romantic poem"; "a typical case of arteritis" [ant: atypical]<<<<<<


2. of a feature that helps to distinguish a person or thing; "Jerusalem has a distinctive Middle East flavor"- Curtis Wilkie; "that is typical of you!" [syn: distinctive]
3. conforming to a type; "the typical (or normal) American"; "typical teenage behavior"


I have discovered over many years that typical lesbians do not care about certain things, and they behave and think in certain ways that are common to lesbians in general. I had a hard time finding those who were not like that and had other qualities. Hence, ATYPICAL.

I think that being politically correct all the time about everything has a way of stifling communication among ALL people. WE are too afraid to say things for fear of stepping on toes, and so things don't get discussed and issues don't get resolved. Furthermore, why would you denigrate or discourage a group whose goal is to aspire to the best in themselves in all ways?

This is my opinion, and Atypical Lesbians is my project. IF you don't resonate with it, then you wouldn't be comfortable there. However, since you've never found out about it, taken part or had a discussion about it with me or any other member, you are not qualified to make your judgment.

Thank you for your comment, and i wish you all good things.



December 30th, 2007 at 06:13PM
Oh, and Goth--one more thing. I never said that typical lesbians weren't all those things. I said that ATYPICALS were, plus they were other things too. It's a combination. And you took it out of context for your own purpose, whatever that might be.



Now, i am sharing the above posts because i feel it is a good example of something quite common that is at the crux of why my site, Atypical Lesbians is needed. There will always be some people who know--even if only on some subconscious level-- that they are not reaching or striving for their potential, and so they must justify this in various ways, one of which is by attacking those who do strive toward their potential.

I wanted some perspective on her, so i went to her page/profile... one thing that popped out was, Gothgrrrl filled in her HEALTH CONCERNS AS:
Borderline Personality Disorder, Panic Disorder, OCD, Avoidant, Social Anxiety, Depression (nice cocktail, but mostly BPD)

I can see why she was diagnosed this way--her behavior exemplifies it in SPADES.

Further, she also has a group of "Experiences & Interests" Icons complete with labels:
[img]file:///C:/DOCUME%7E1/JAEBAE%7E1/LOCALS%7E1/Temp/moz-screenshot-5.jpg[/img]



Have Borderline Personality Disorder



Still Love My Ex


Have a Boyfriend But Want Someone Else



Want to Be Fearless



Have Anxiety Attacks


Am Terrified of Commitment



Am In Therapy


Study History























She is announcing to the world everything about herself that is broken....I saw nothing positive in her list, did you? Just on the surface, by looking at this list, one can make an assessment about her, that she is allowing herself to be a victim, has a hard time letting go, wants what she feels she can't have, is not honest with herself or others sometimes, allows fear to be the foundation of her existence, needs something to blame things on, doesn't know what she wants and is afraid of it if she does, cannot deal with change--is not adaptable....i could go on and on...it's not that hard to figure out, just by looking at her list.

Obviously, she struggles quite a bit with coping. Someone with that many diagnoses is PATENTLY lacking in coping skills. Believe me, i am not dismissing or condescending to those with chemical imbalances and organic mental illness....I believe there is a difference, here, that is worth noting, which often gets blurred by humanity's own garbage: brain injury, chemical imbalance and organic brain illness are not what i am addressing here...i am addressing those conditions, disorders or imbalances that stem from a human's own creation, starting with the coping mechanisms created to deal with something.

Back to my bug under the glass...Gothgrrrl--the fact that she announced all that on her page, means that she embraces it as her identity. She allows it to have complete power over her. It's almost like being mentally ill is her religion, and the illness itself is her god. All things are referenced back to this NutGod. Things that cannot be explained, things she doesn't want to deal with. If she can shift it there, she doesn't have to look at it or do anything to make it better.

Further, I also believe that many of the names the psychological intelligentsia gives to disorders would be better stated as COPING MECHANISMS, not Personality Disorders... A disorder of personality has an antecedent...that, being the inability to cope in a healthy way.

I think that probably most of the things we call personality disorders is merely a manifestation of an inability to cope with something in a healthy way. I think these things can be conquered, notwithstanding the true chemical imbalances and organic brain conditions that also exist... I can say these things from experience.

I was diagnosed over the years with many different things...to the point where i thought i was just this broken, fucked up individual. It's enough to make you want to kill yourself....oh...see the correlation? That's not very helpful, is it? Well, once i took responsibility for all that and began to do the self-work, avoid the therapy where i just masturbated the sickness, things began to change. Those symptoms of these disorders went away. wow. it was a miracle. NO. IT WAS HARD WORK and it was SELF UNDERSTANDING and it was SELF-RESPONSIBILITY.

The amusing/paradoxical/telling thing is that Gothgrrrl also identified strongly as someone who studies HISTORY. Not her OWN, ironically....isn't that interesting? Someone will choose an identity marker of one who studies things in the past, when they are crippled by their present because they can't study their own history?

Okay. I'll stop here. I hope this gives some food for thought, and i welcome any insights from any of you, even if you are chicken to post it here under comments....


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28 December 2007

Burning Bush

In a time where the issues of the day are more pressing than ever, such as Al Gore's prescient warnings about global warning and global climate changes, the American people have been duped and distracted by the specter of weapons of mass destruction. Haven't we already established that this war-cry has been found both premature and erroneous? While nuclear armament is an issue with which we should reckon, don't you reckon it didn't have to be strong-armed into a nation-defining war?

Bush is by far the worst president in American history. He has systematically turned the world against America, lied, cheated his way into office, condescended to the public, and generally made every decision based on greed and selfishness. He is responsible for the deaths of thousands of soldiers and civilians. He has ignored the needs of his own people in his own homeland, and then wrapped himself in the flag to avoid persecution. Other world leaders who have been guilty of this behavior have been deemed traitors and terrorists. Why is it that Bush can get away with it? How is it that he has not been hanged? What does the average citizen need, in order to see the light?

A burning Bush?


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27 December 2007

My Hands That Close to Your Neck


In anticipation of an upcoming Ethical Dilemma, i am striving to prepare myself for a choice i might have to make. I want to make the choice that gives an accurate impression of who I am; and who I am is someone who wants to be ethical, evolved, yet not at all an oil pan for the machinations of the morally corrupt.

Here's the situation: I live in a small town, where all your actions can affect how you are viewed, your ability to exist in that town, or do business, or simply live in harmony; and that view can be reflected back to you with dizzying speed. I am to be involved in a public event soon, and worry that i might cross paths with a particular person, whom I'll call the Big Eraser (inspired by my need to forget my association with her). This person lived in my home, used my things, brought no belongings, and in fact had none--only a white garbage sack of items...not due to youth (this person is pushing 40), and not due to an inability to be self-supporting. She had made a proclamation that she wanted to buy me a car to replace my van which had recently died, and said this would be her way of repaying me for all I'd done for her. Then I get a call from the owner of the car lot who had the note, and he told me the payments were behind several months. I knew nothing of this. SO I had to make arrangements to pay off the rest of the car. Her appreciation was ultimately exemplified by leaving me holding the proverbial bag. I had been loving, generous and supportive to B.E., and what i got in return was sloth, abuse, lies, deceit and eventual admissions of hatred after she cornered me, ground her boot into my toe (breaking it), threw me into a coffee table, {see photo of bruise} and I called the cops to remove her from my home.

This person had treated me with disregard, cost me money, frustration and stress, and at the end, caused me physical harm. That's where I drew the line. (nowadays I draw the line way before most of that). But she managed to get away with her behavior for various reasons. I thought maybe she needed someone to just love her and show her what she had never had from anyone, including her family. My efforts to show her compassion and love was wasted. I learned some important lessons--I believe that everyone with whom we cross paths can be seen as a teacher. We don't have to like them for that to be true.

So, this is a small town, as I mentioned, and I fully expect B.E. to attend this public event, and that might necessarily put me in a position to provide a service to B.E., should that request be made. It's important to note that this service is Therapeutic Touch, and therefore requires me to impart love and healing--the last thing i feel I am capable of giving to her.

My response to this hypothetically anticipated request will also be rather public, and while i don't want to seem like a bitch, I also don't want to appear a doormat, nor do i wish to impart "reward" or seem to condone or approve of B.E., only for the sake of social graces. I am not disingenuous enough to pretend i have affection for her. Add to this, the fact that B.E. has repeatedly avoided karmic debt, and it irks me that B.E. has been able to charm around and over everyone until they personally experience the truth of who B.E. really is. This is a person who is an alcoholic, and whom i witnessed buying alcohol for minors, was a self-confessed former drug dealer/maker, who damaged or perhaps was responsible for the deaths of an unknown number of people--maybe even kids--and had the unmitigated gall to brag about it. This is a person who has lied to others (including myself, initially) about burn scars, stating that they were received in some heroic gesture, when really the burns were received in a drug lab fire while cooking Methamphetamine. Yet B.E. has managed to snow everyone else, it seems, and supposedly was hired for federal job, even with a criminal past, a history of dodging taxes, and without a GED or High School Diploma. Anyway, in regard to my response to B.E. in this scenario, I have a generalized angst attached, i.e.,"Why do good things happen to bad people?"

Now, an argument can be made that The Wheel of Karma spins on its own, and does not require that we manually turn it. If a karmic debt is due, it will be paid, one way or another, and it is the most healthy thing for me to keep my hands off that wheel. I remind myself of this frequently, when I have to deal with people like B.E.

Back to the Public Event in which I might cross paths with this person: Should B.E. approach my area and say, "I'd like a treatment," my response is crucial for many reasons. In my mind, i have conjured possible responses to such a request:

"Fuck you." (anger
"Are you out of your mind? Get out of my face, Loser." (anger + judgment +confrontation)
(suggested by my best friend:) "I would love to give you a treatment. . .but for you, it will cost $700, because that's one of the debts you left for me." (sarcasm + bitterness)
"It's not a good idea for me to have my hands that close to your neck." (sarcasm + veiled threat)
"I don't think that would be a good idea." (avoidance + statement of fact)
"Sorry, I'm on a break." (avoidance + a lie + non-confrontation)
"Let me think about that for a while. (avoidance + nonconfrontation)

The last choice seems the best one, overall, for me, but I'm still not sure. It is important to me that i make choices rooted in an evolved mind...my more primitive side wants to lash out. My intellectual side wants to take a firm stance and my spiritual side wants to put only loving things into my environment and those around me, because that's what i want to get back. I am a great fan of having all those parts of myself satisfied, yet i suspect this isn't possible. I have to choose. If i choose the "High Road" and say, "Sure, sit right down here and let me give you some love and healing." Then i feel i have chumped myself, compromised my integrity, become spineless, have condoned reprehensible choices, and somehow validated B.E.'s evil ways. Why would i want to assist someone in their misbehavior? If I allow myself to become angry, I'm ultimately just hurting myself with stress, and giving B.E. power i don't wish her to have. If i avoid B.E. and the situation, i feel cowardly, yet B.E. will probably order another beer and wander off, and i won't have to deal with it further...

Of course, this scenario might never unfold, but i don't feel my consideration and energy is moot; I still need to understand how to deal with it, and i still need to ask myself these types of questions.

And I still don't know the answers to these questions.


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26 December 2007

Sullied Pajamas: A Steak won't Change my Mind (5 of 5)

M.D. told me that SP emailed her, saying she had a hot date on New Year's Eve with some corporate type woman and they had already booked a cruise.

So when she arrived with the two sofas, I was determined to steer the conversation a bit, to see if she'd tell me another story. We lugged the sofas inside, and afterward it was like I had an elephant on my chest. I was all out of breath. The remnants of the cold I'm still recovering from. We made small talk and she seemed in no hurry to leave. Then she stated that i needed to eat and a steak would be good for me. I didn't put up much of a fight, because i have this attitude now. I don't care what she does. I don't care if it costs her money. She's lied to me about so many things from day one, so i'll happily take anything she wants to give me. Except grief, of course.

So we went to West Oaks, but it was closed. Across the street was Tall Pines, and it had steak on the marquee, but i told her I'd never eaten there and had no idea if it was any good. It wasn't. But over lunch, I avoided making eye contact because when I did, she was giving me those goo-goo eyes, still. She said, "You're killin' me." God, when will she stop that? She said it had taken her so long to open up again, and she met me, and then--well...then i RIPPED her heart out, i guess.

I wanted to feel her out about the stuff she told MD. She denied having any plans for the Holiday, and said she was really over the dating thing. Same old song and dance in reference to how torn up she was that i had dumped her. She said, "You're a heartbreaker, Jae." Then she continued with the usual, about acquiring 20 cats and holing up at home for the rest of her life. You'd think that we'd dated for a year, lived together for two, and been married for three, to hear her talk. I told her she'd recover. It wasn't all that. I said she should just treat herself to a vacation, go somewhere, take a CRUISE. She said no. She said she had some invites to a function or two but wasn't going to go... then she even teared up, right there at the table. Very uncomfortable, and I knew that she was either lying to me or had lied to MD. Probably the latter, because she sure didn't want MD to know she was still so easily thrust into a funk, or still single, maybe. She was sure acting pitiful with me. She acted like she didn't want to leave and I had to sort of hang out and wait patiently. She said she was also going to give me her bedroom TV because I needed to move the big one I bought recently into the living room now that I have furniture...and I would need one for my bedroom...she was getting a flat screen for hers. I accepted. (What the hell?) I Finally told her I had to get in the shower and get ready for my plans this evening.

I played it casual with her, but gee whiz. She's just become this pathetic and uncomfortable figure in my life now.

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25 December 2007

Stupid & Happy VS. Smart & Troubled


I was asked, "Given the opportunity to choose between: (a). being delusional and believing in an intangible, even illogical, philosophy that brings you much peace and bliss or (b). seeing the "reality" of things and cutting straight into the truthful heart of all there is, yet along with that comes despair and grief . . . Which would you choose? Would you rather be "stupid and happy" or "smart and troubled"?

"Thou hast vexed me marvelous much," as Shakespeare would say. Questions like this tend to spiral me into the abyss of darkness and nail-biting. My addendum to this, (which seems to be more a preface, at the moment) reflects the objection I have to the suggested absolute that there must necessarily be Despair and Grief. . . I feel there are few, if any, absolutes on this earth plane. (Except maybe that a Krispy Kreme Glazed donut is manna from heaven). Nevertheless, I shall endeavor to respond with a sufficient amount of brain cellage...

One cannot know or appreciate joy without experiencing the depths of despair. Happiness via stupidity is an artificial happiness. To go STUPIDLY amid the noise and haste and know what peace there may be in IDIOCY, smacks of a big fat waste of energy and a sad frittering away of a lifetime meant for learning and evolution. Thus, I'll take Reality with a Truthful Heart of All There Is glaze, and a side of Despair and Grief. Since nothing short of severe head trauma would return me to ignorance, I am thus shackled/blessed with the task of creating the best result from the tools I have available to me. Reality is not always a tangible thing. Many things are real, and yet simultaneously invisible, misconstrued or beyond comprehension. Refer to Plato's Allegory of the Cave, String Theory, Unified Field Theory, the Power of positive thought, or wind for fine examples of this point.

Socrates said, "The unexamined life is not worth living." I agree.


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24 December 2007

Sullied Pajamas: In 3D (4 of 5)


SP: hi...how was your day today?
jaebaeli: rather dull, but got some stuff done. how about you?
SP: pretty good i guess..i am going to wrop xmas presents tonight..
jaebaeli: don't get a paper cut
SP: ill try not to.
jaebaeli: i have an Elk roast in the crockpot
jaebaeli: never made one before
SP: cool...what time is dinner??
jaebaeli: i think it'll take a while
jaebaeli: maybe lunch tomorrow! not sure -it's pretty big
SP: did you write today?
jaebaeli: my crock pot is actually too small for it
jaebaeli: i've got it crammed in there
jaebaeli: (a little--mostly editing)
SP: no room for carrots?..bummer
jaebaeli: yeah i know
jaebaeli: after it cooks, i may have to cut it in half and add stuff and cook some more
jaebaeli: but it was frozen so i didnt' have much choice
SP: it may smoosh in there better when it thaws.
jaebaeli: yeah
SP: you know...im still pretty sad about you......i think i just set myself up for disappointment. i need to cut that crap out.
jaebaeli: yeah- i've been guilty of that myself
jaebaeli: you still consider me friend-material?
SP: yes...herein lies the problem
SP: (mine)
jaebaeli: you have a hard time making a transition to platonic?
SP: historically?
jaebaeli: lol
jaebaeli: hysterically?
SP: lol
jaebaeli: in any way
jaebaeli: then--now\
SP: historically - hit and miss.
SP: i am having a hard time getting out of this funk... I was/am smitten..very disappointed...lots of potential ...you know.
SP: honestly, you are the first person i have been around in two years that I could actually have an intellectual conversation with...
SP: plus the 'smitten' factor.
SP: I think that this will probably be the last go around for me with this dating thing.
jaebaeli: Poor thing--conversation is so important...well yeah in many ways, there was potential. but gotta have the spark. I do anyway. I felt you moving pretty fast emotionally. but i understand you were just ready to find "the one"--we all are.
jaebaeli: don't give up
jaebaeli: it could just mean that there's someone right around the corner
SP: doubt that.
jaebaeli: i've been right where you are and said the same things. but be a POSSIBILITY THINKER, girl
jaebaeli: you have so much to give the right one
SP: Im just not up for it anymore.
jaebaeli: well not right now maybe. but you'll get the wind back in your sails
SP: its not worth the emotional bullshit.
jaebaeli: we knew each other "two minutes" as you said
SP: I dont have any desire to even be attracted to anyone..too scary anymore.
jaebaeli: don't wimp out!
SP: I think I am going to go get a couple of cats and start working on the 'crazy old lesbain in the woods with 50 cats thing'
jaebaeli: (god!)
jaebaeli: nothing worth having is easy to get
SP: does that apply to you?
jaebaeli: loaded question, that
SP: does it?
jaebaeli: well i'd like to think i'm not EASY.
jaebaeli: intellectual things aside, my heart wants what it wants
SP: i guess i just dont understand how we could be getting along so famously (at least i thought so) and be afforded such a small window of opporutnity with you...like it is all or nothing in 48 hours.
jaebaeli: well, i wanted to give the SPARK a chance. but i know pretty quickly when i meet someone if i feel romantic toward them
jaebaeli: but there was all that other stuff we had that was good, so i let it ride
jaebaeli: it just didn't stop on my number that's all
jaebaeli: forgive the roulette wheel analogy
SP: and that's it? no other options?
SP: I am surprised that you think that way
jaebaeli: well isn't that the first and foremost thing when you want a romantic/partner relationship? having those feelings?
jaebaeli: if you have that, then you can explore the other stuff usually
jaebaeli: but that's the starting point for me
jaebaeli: i've had relationships with women i was not attracted to./
jaebaeli: i don't want that anymore
jaebaeli: that's always been missing
SP: i think that there is a good chance that you could 'sort' some very good possibilies out of your life with that limitation..that it should be immediate huge attraction...it sounds like you need a fairy tale.
jaebaeli: Look, i know myself very well, and i am not confused about what i want, and i simply won't settle anymore. I don't want "good possibility"--i want the real deal, and if i can't have it, i'll just not have a partner. This is a very personal decision and you can't pretend to know me so well that you can criticize me for it.
jaebaeli: i've had enough relationships to know if it's got the romantic possibilities--regardless of the other things. The other things are also friend-things. So i don't ever feel i've lost by allowing something to be platonic
jaebaeli: i've been very honest with you
jaebaeli: more than i had to be
jaebaeli: that's how i do things
jaebaeli: we both had needs and we both felt okay filling them with each other
jaebaeli: but that doesn't mean it has to be love
jaebaeli: it just means we're grownups and can do what grownups do--just like you said
jaebaeli: i wouldn't have been with you if i didn't like you a lot
jaebaeli: but it became increasingly clear that i did not feel what i needed to feel to take it into a comitted, romantic relationship
jaebaeli: when i figured that out i told you.
jaebaeli: EVERY SINGLE TIME i've felt that spark, i felt it the SECOND i met someone.
jaebaeli: it's chemical
jaebaeli: it's not something i have control over
jaebaeli: we are all hard-wired in a certain way
jaebaeli: i don't know what else i can say to you about this. I've been clear, and honest and i've handled it fairly, and like an adult.
jaebaeli: It's not a make-wrong
jaebaeli: my type is just my type
jaebaeli: this is an issue you might want to explore with yourself--it's causing you a great deal of grief
SP: Ill take that into consideration...thanks!
jaebaeli: this is just a little intense for the short time we've known each other. I care about you and i think you're a lovely person, but it just seems like you're feeling an unusual amount of emotion, here.
jaebaeli: why can't you just move on- and be okay with it? things don't always work out like we have it in our heads.
jaebaeli: that's just the way it is.
SP: consider it done.
jaebaeli: ok- now what does that mean?
SP: moving on...
SP: not too worry...you wont hear of this from me again.
SP: apparently, the feelings that you say you have a right to have are ok..but if someone else (me) would happen to feel that spark - it would be termed as 'an unusual amount of emotion'. but hey, i can deal with it...
jaebaeli: i said SPARK
jaebaeli: not LOVE
jaebaeli: you're starting to sound like a teenager
jaebaeli: come on!
jaebaeli: it's HOW YOU"RE DEALING WITH THAT FEELING
jaebaeli: that's what i'm referring to
jaebaeli: i had this feeling for someone recently, and knew they couldn't return that--so now we're friends. and i'm fine with that./
jaebaeli: i'm worried about the way you PROCESS things
jaebaeli: emotionally
jaebaeli: i felt that too with Justice, when she didn't anymore. i processed it. now she's my best friend and all that evolved for me.
jaebaeli: but the first one was TWO YEARS, the other was THREE
jaebaeli: not a couple of weeks
jaebaeli: do you see how strange/unhealthy this amount of emotion in you sounds?
SP: that would be me...strange and unhealthy.
jaebaeli: oh stop it
jaebaeli: sarcasm is not the tactic right now
jaebaeli: i'm sorry you're hurting right now, but you can't dump that all on me. You're the only one responsible for your own emotions.
jaebaeli: i have done nothing wrong
jaebaeli: and i won't let you make it about me
jaebaeli: i'm sorry things have been reduced to this sort of thing. i have to go. I wish you the very best of everything.
SP: Jae...you are the one that has been talking...i have only made a couple of statements
jaebaeli: you've said plenty, believe me.
jaebaeli: i don't like this side of you very much.
jaebaeli: it's a little scary.
SP: please accept my sincere apologies. I am just struggling here just a little, but as I said, I wont bring this up to you again...i can do that for sure...
SP: I really want to be friends with you on some level.
SP: i think your a great/fun person...
SP: I will spend some time working through this
SP: i know you think im probably koo koo...but thats really not the case Jae.
jaebaeli: my impression is that you're struggling A LOT...and you're scaring me a little. I wanted us to be friends. You will have to work this out in your head somehow...
jaebaeli: honestly, i'm not sure what to make of it./
jaebaeli: but take some time with it.
SP: I think that your impression that im struggling a lot would be an overstatement.
jaebaeli: i don't agree
jaebaeli: your words are bitter
SP: as I said I wont bring this up again. you can count on it... I most always do what I say I will.
jaebaeli: you seem to have a problem accepting the conclusions i've made for myself. You keep trying to change my mind or find some kind of hope for something i've clearly told you isn't going to happen for me.
jaebaeli: i feel you're pushing
jaebaeli: and then you add bitterness and sarcasm--it makes me want to run screaming in the opposite direction
SP: i hear you.
SP: Im sorry...and it wont happen again. that is not who i am nor who i want to be.
jaebaeli: i hope that's true
SP: you will see.
SP: i do what i say. always.
SP: so..maybe you can give me a break and let me make another attempt at this.. I am far from perfect...but .I know I would enjoy being your friend.
SP: and you can ask my other friends...i make a good one.
jaebaeli: i don't know how to respond to you right now. but i'm not in the habit of discarding people.
SP: obviously, this is your call..
SP: The last thing i want to do is cause you a bunch of bullshit grief for god sake. Im sorry that I tried to talk through this with you...as usual, i should have kept my mouth shut.
jaebaeli: No--i think i'm just not the person you should have talked this through WITH, precisely because i'm involved.
jaebaeli: you need objectivity.
SP: I am certainly capable of 'processing' this alone...been there ...done that. I probably do need objectivity...
jaebaeli: talk to one of your longtime trusted friends
jaebaeli: they're not in the middle of it
SP: Im just trying to understand Jae - thats all. We wont talk about it anymore..
jaebaeli: i think i've been clear. i don't know what else i can say.
SP: i hope you can understand just a little.
jaebaeli: of course i understand.
SP: you don't have to say anything else...and i wont ask. i get it.
jaebaeli: i'm not the one who needs to understand--YOU ARE.
SP: i get it
SP: are you freaking out over there?
jaebaeli: not exactly chillin'
SP: well...again I suck i guess.... Im going to say im sorry again and get out of here..
SP: like i said...i get it...and I wont bring it up again.
SP: still want to be a friend of some sort.
SP: its up to you...or i can disappear.
jaebaeli: let's just let it ride..see how things go.
SP: i dont want to have another conversation with you that is upsetting...thats for sure.
SP: (for you)
jaebaeli: me either
SP: your too much fun for that!
jaebaeli: i'm about at my limit right now.
SP: me too...its no fun.
SP: so...im not going there anymore
SP: take care!...
jaebaeli: k


5 of 5: Sullied Pajamas: A Steak Won't Change my Mind
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23 December 2007

Hillary, and Hoping for Drastic

I've been riding around on my angst-wagon about this for so long.

I think that neither Hillary nor Obama will be elected as president, even if one of them gains the nomination. The only exception is if new voters tip the scales, and/or the Republican candidate screws up royally and/or the Democrat candidate does a splendid job of convincing voters. Barring those events, we are essentially giving away our chances of having a Democratic president in 2008. Hillary knows this, and I think this can be her one fatal mistake (unless she knows something we don't know--which is likely). She's running anyway, when she should be doing what I said before and supporting another Caucasian male for president and getting into the oval office after 4 years of being his vice president or other High Level position. That's the ONLY WAY she will get into the oval office. Her qualifications are beside the point--how sad is that?

And I must also mention my trepidation about OPRAH. In throwing her support behind Obama, I fear she has assured us all of at least another 4 years of Republican rule. Does she know something I don't know, too? Will she be the pivotal person who gets him elected? Or is she wasting her money and support on a long-shot, when she could be using it to insure we get a Democrat in the Oval Office?

And here's the other thing--even if every person eligible to vote, voted for Hillary or Obama or John Edwards, they STILL WOULDN'T BE ELECTED. We have that insipid Electoral College to thank for that. The popular vote is no longer the pivotal thing. Our votes are never REALLY counted. Again, a government of the people, for the people, and by the people is a THING OF THE PAST.

When are we going to take our rights back?

So for all of you who are hanging your hopes on us having a Democratic president, forget it. It's not going to happen unless something really drastic takes place. Perhaps that's possible, with the event less than a year away. But it would have to be a series of errors on the part of the Republican candidate(s) and the Dems doing everything right.



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22 December 2007

Sullied Pajamas-the thlot plickens (3 0f 5)

Last night i received a mysterious email.


hello....
you might want to ask SP about her suicide attempt in Jan., it is public record as the sheriff was involved.
an unstable woman who will emotionally attach to you and never let you go......
just a heads up from one who knows.

Awfully hard to let that one go. I wrote back:
.

Oh my God. That never came up in our conversations.
Can I ask who you are and how you know? Have we met?

I would appreciate talking with you about this, if you will allow me.
-----------------------------------------------
She wrote back:

hello,
what is it you want to know? I am sure just bringing it up will answer all your questions in regard to her emotional stability.
we have not met but I know a friend of yours who mentioned you & her in the same sentence. This is a small world, i just thought a heads up was in order.

-------------------------------------

And i responded:

We have all had our dark nights of the soul--I am no exception. But the point is how we deal with it, and whether or not we can heal and move on; whether or not we can take responsibility and process it in a healthy way. I've been lucky enough to do that with all my demons, but I suspect SP is far from that place in her psyche. WE only dated for 9 days, But I have already seen the red flags--it's why I broke it off with her. I saw the red flags, really, from day one, but didn't want to jump to conclusions. Her reaction to me ending the dating relationship was disturbing enough to verify that my decision was a sound one.
You know I'm curious as hell about who you are. I didn't have any friends in her circle when I met her, so I wonder how you could know anyone I know...
I would like to talk to you openly, but I can't do that until I know something about you. I seem to always be at a disadvantage because of all my websites. Everyone knows all this stuff about me, going in, but I'm in the dark about them...

----------------------------------
hello,
thanks for the info, I realize about the disadvantage in you not knowing me. No, we are not in the same circles but this is a small world and word travels fast. You seem to be a perceptive soul as you saw the red flags.
you could contact exgf@hidden.com, she will be able to give you a better insight and has agreed to.
(initials)
-----------------------------------------

you said we are not in the same social circle, but you didn't really say whether or not we've met. Perhaps last Saturday?

You must know that this is one big mental tease. :>)
Anyway, thanks. I will contact this other mystery person.
------------------------------------

And to the mystery person:
.

Hi- below is the last mail I received from this mystery person who has been trying to give me a heads-up on SP...

I don't know who she is, and I don't know who you are, but it has my attention, as there seems to be more than one person who is concerned about my involvement with her.
I hope you can shed some light on this. I do feel strange about speaking candidly, when I don't know who I'm talking to. Perhaps you will be able to tell me, and we can have a discussion on a more equal footing?
Thanks,
Jae
---------------------------------

Hello Jae,
[initials] did say that you might contact me.
I was in a 4.5 year relationship with SP, ending on New Years Eve of 2004.
You can call me at [###] and I would be happy to chat.
[name]


:So i called. Left a message, she called back. We had a very informative conversation. The "suicide attempt" consisted of SP calling her ex on New Years Eve, firing her gun and dropping the phone. It was all just for drama. Cops went out there and everything--40 minute drive for them out there--and on a holiday--all for nothing. She was fine. I find that sort of behavior not only disturbing, but cruel. The worst kind of emotional blackmail. Most assuredly the sign of someone who is emotionally disturbed... Therefore, i feel i have dodged a bullet...I've had several pleasant conversations with the "ex" since then.

I found out that many things SP had told me were lies. My new friend/the ex provided enough sound proof both in physical evidence and in the word of someone who works for a certain law enforcement body, to convince me. That's a total deal breaker for me.

If SP ever knew i was being chummy with her Ex, I'm sure she'd go ballistic. SO i won't mention it. I half suspect that i won't even be pursuing a friendship with SP anyway...





4 of 5: Sullied Pajamas: In 3D


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21 December 2007

Sullied Pajamas-REDUX (2 of 5)

She called me. (what i was thinking during her initial "preface" is in small red letters)

"I'm a horribly romantic person by nature, and i just can't help it...the biggest thrill in my success is sharing that--and not just with those i am romantically inclined toward. I make a lot of money and i give a lot away...being able to do good with it--that's what it's for.

I want you to know that before i ever came to Eureka and met you in the lobby of the hotel, that i never thought you were a Dean-Koontz-rich novelist...(I'm sure you could write this and it would be beautiful...) yeah yeah but i wish you could enjoy that with me. I knew you were a starving artist- I'm not starving at all. I have my own money. that was attractive. because you need to be a sugar-mamma? I've been with women who were my corporate peer--if i wanted that, i could have that. That woman in Kansas City, the bank president-- begged me to go out with her again. The fact that you don't live like that, warms my heart. You don't have to talk to me about your budget...i don't care. Again, it's not ABOUT you. I don't need you to buy me things. Not the point. When you gave me that cardboard Lucky Charms cutout, that meant more to me than anything...it wasn't meant to mean more to you than anything. it was meant to be a joke and to keep things light. I don't want to overwhelm you- I think my nature does that. your nature needs to have control of the purse strings, and to feel somehow 'above' your girlfriends. I can't stand it that you haven't been treated that way- it breaks my heart- when did i become some charity case? I don't want you to feel badly about accepting things from me--"

"Look, SP," I said. " all that is pertinent, but not really the issue here. The issue is, i need to feel certain things in order to develop anything long-term. I know what i want and--"

"It's not me."

"Well, that's a little harsh--"

"But true."

"You are not my type, no. And i just didn't feel what i wanted to feel--"

Angrily, she retorts, "Well i was feeling that spark, and i thought you were too and that's why we SLEPT together, Jae! I'm in a whole other alternate reality, i guess...i gotta get off the phone so i can call all my friends and tell them--'oops--i was wrong. I thought i met this special woman who felt something for me'--"

"Now just back up the truck, SP. First of all, we BOTH wanted to find that special person. And we BOTH had needs that we wanted to fill, Bottom line. And we're both grownups, as you're so fond of pointing out. There is no way that 7 days is going to seal us into couplehood. I think it's really easy to superimpose things on the situation that may or may not be accurate. I will not be blamed for your premature announcement to all your friends. You were making some huge presumptions. I know what i need to feel and i simply didn't feel it--even though i gave it a shot."

"Jae, sometimes it doesn't come on like a light bulb."

"This DOES. That's my point. Maybe we're talking about two different things. Real love takes time. I'm not talking about falling in love, right now--i'm talking about feeling that attraction, that chemistry, that spark, the first minute you meet someone...i'm looking for my soulmate. You have to understand that."

"Well i hope you find your fucking soulmate."

"Don't you DARE talk to me that way. I shared that with you because I thought you deserved to know. Don't make it ugly. I understand you're hurt, but you can't turn that on me. I'm not the enemy, nor am i responsible for your feelings. Things just happen or don't happen and it's a myth--a lie we tell ourselves-- that we have any control over it. But it serves no purpose to make it ugly--and ultimately, it won't make you feel better or bring any love into your life."

"Whatever."

"Whatever? SP, your reaction to this is way too intense for the short time we saw each other. You really need to sort this out. See someone, please."

"I just can't believe you gave up so quick, Jae, we had so much potential."

"If you think that my only value was as a girlfriend or lover, then you've sorely underestimated me."


...the rest of the conversation escapes me. That was just what i had taken notes on...

3 of 5: Sullied Pajamas in 3D

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20 December 2007

Sullied Pajamas (1 of 5)



Granted, I have little experience dating. I wasn't one of those people who went through the whirlwind of social activity in my 20's. The last few years have been about me, playing catch-up. All my relationships have been long-term, and overlapping and, sorry to say, of the meet-fall-in-love-get-the-U-Haul variety. I'm still new at the dating terrain, and I'm going to make some mistakes. The interesting part is that I'm experiencing this dynamic as a grown-up, with fixed ideas about how things ought to be, and at every turn, i am reminded that intelligence, discretion, and integrity don't always come into play with everyone involved.


But I've always considered myself a discerning person when it comes to sexual activity. The irony is that when you're younger, you make stupid choices based on hormones or emotional immaturity, or peer pressure, or curiosity. When you're older, you might also make stupid choices, but they are more likely based on calculated risk or the knowledge that you're a grownup and can sleep with whomever you want. Consenting adults would be the operative term here. (Even though I am not usually the casual-sex type). The glitch in this sometimes complicated dance of romance, is that you can't always depend on the other person's emotional development matching your own.

My decision to take part in sexual activity with a woman I was recently dating, was based on my own damnable frustration (8 months is way too long for me to do without intimacy, obviously, and it has a way of inciting swift sexual behavior on my part--consistently a mistake for me). I was also curious about whether this older and ostensibly "more experienced" woman could, for lack of a better phrase, "send me to the moon." I'm always interested in THAT. . .and she assured me, with a generous amount of confidence, that she could. So, frustration coupled with the fact that I genuinely liked this woman, and the tease of possible fulfillment, was enough for me to put on my space helmet and give in to my more primitive desires. My misgivings were few, although formidable.

  • I was not physically/romantically attracted to her
  • I didn't want her to misconstrue my interest in sex with her as a declaration of my undying devotion.
But she had said numerous times, "I'm very patient. If you want to date for a year first, that's fine" and "We're grownups. Grownups can do what grownups do" and when I expressed concern that her interpretation of the event would be more meaningful for her than for me, she said glibly, "Come on, we have known each other two minutes. "

So one of my concerns seemed unfounded. Therefore, I let it go.

My first concern, however, was rooted in a general fear that I might be shallow if I made too much of the attraction-factor. Everyone is beautiful on the inside. . . Don't judge a book by its cover. . . physical attraction is fleeting, it's the longevity that you want. . . blah blah blah. . .

She obviously had the attraction-factor in full swing. She had already confessed that the moment I walked into the hotel lobby to meet her for coffee that first time, my smile "lit up the room" and she "fell pretty hard for me right then and there." I chose to ignore the red flag in that, and instead allowed myself to be flattered. Sometimes people say things like that to make a point that is merely about feeling an immediate attraction. But then there are some people who really believe in love at first sight, or really DO develop feelings right away. To me, anything MORE than a little crush or attraction right off the bat are grounds for an about-face and a sprint back to my car. I guess I took it to mean just an initial attraction. But judging by the aftermath of all this, what she felt was a little more than that. And this is another red flag .

She wanted to buy me things, do things for me. A little too motivated to impress me. She made sure that I knew how generous she was, how many toys and gadgets she owned, how many connections she had that could bring me the things she suspected I desired.
She began to say things like, "We need to get you some furniture, you have to stop camping out in your house," and "We need to get your credit cards paid off," and "Do you have a passport? We need to take a trip." and "you need a new car, maybe i can find you one." We? She was already seeing us as a committed couple, when the most I had said was that I would exclusively date her for a while. This was mainly for my sake. I find it difficult to date more than one person at a time. I can see now that "exclusively" can be misconstrued as "committed."

Back to the big night. The first-sex thing.

Bloodwork papers exchanged and inspected, I let her do the honors first, (because she insisted) and if I am brutally honest with myself, I felt exactly zero. Oh, I TRIED to feel something. I really did. But when I realized later that I had avoided eye-contact and, indeed, avoided looking at her at all, and even filled my mind's eye with fantasies of other women--well, .

...I NEVER think about other people when I'm with someone. Never. Yet that's what I did. I wasn't attracted to her physically; I didn't want to see her naked; I didn't want to see those expressions that people have when they are sharing something so intimate. I didn't get sent to the moon, I didn't even make it to the skyline, although she tried valiantly.

When the tables were turned, she had no trouble at all with the trip to the moon, judging by her reaction. She even complimented me on my expertise. Now, while I am a confident and, I feel, competent lover, this was another . ...I could do no wrong in her eyes. Everything about me was great. Charming. Wonderful.

When she had said something flirty to me in the first few days, I said, in an Irish brogue, "Always after me lucky charms. . . they're magically delicious." She was largely entertained by this, and it became an ongoing joke between us. Whenever I would become uncomfortable by her generosity, she would say, "Don't get your lucky charms in a twist. I enjoy spending money on people. It's what it's for." So, on a whim, I bought a box of Lucky Charms, cut the front of it out into the shape of a heart and wrote, They're magically delicious on the back. She said it meant more to her than the usual gift, and responded by immediately buying me a silver charm necklace. I don't know if it cost very much, but....the point is, I gave her humorous cardboard, she gave me silver..

During one of our dates, she said "I may not be the best looking thing to come down the pike, but I'll treat you good and you'll never want for anything.".(She really was trying to sell herself as a sugarmamma, it seems. That's not the sort of relationship I'm seeking. No amount of money will replace the richness of being in love and truly adoring another person. If i didn't feel that way, I'd just get one of those Russian brides). She asked me at least three times if I thought I could ever fall in love with her. . (Now keep in mind, the grand total of our "affair" was 9 days--like my best friend says, "You can pick someone up in a bar and do that, and then never speak to them again."). It was so awkward answering that in a tactful way. I knew the answer was NO, but I didn't want to be mean or hurtful. I would just go to my usual remarks about needing to feel certain things initially with someone, and that I didn't feel that with her.

Unfortunately, I felt the need to test the sexual waters before all this became painfully clear to me. I could tell by my own reactions to her that it was going nowhere for me. I dreaded it when she leaned in to kiss me, I dreaded it when she wanted to hold my hand. . . .at a party we attended, I wished I wasn't her date, because I found myself being attracted to about 4 other women in the room. . I was discreet of course, but I did take note that these are not the behaviors of someone who is attracted to or seriously interested in the person they are with. I knew I was going to have to find a way to ease out of this "exclusivity contract."

After I pulled away too many times, I guess she finally sensed it, and we cut our weekend short. She went home and then the calls and IM's began. In several recent communications, where I continued to try to tactfully tell her that I wasn't attracted to her physically, and just didn't feel the spark I wanted to feel, she would try to convince me otherwise. . She even accused me of not giving it a chance, and wanting "a fairy tale." If a fairy tale is that I want to be attracted to someone I am involved with sexually, then, so be it--I want a fairy tale. (But I don't believe that). It sure did rub me the wrong way. I told her that I knew myself pretty well, thank you, and she didn't know me that well, hadn't known me long enough to be qualified to tell me what I did and didn't need. Another . Why would any healthy person want to pursue and push someone else who has admitted they have no physical attraction to her? If someone said that to me, the last thing I would do is try to change her mind. I would just migrate all that to friendship. I've done it more than once. It's not quantum physics, nor an indication that I should be "over the dating thing" and begin to collect all those cats for the long years ahead of living alone. So it doesn't work out between two people. That's life.

She said, "I thought you felt that spark, just like me, and that's why we SLEPT together!" . Mmmmm. Not the impression I got when she was so glib about the "grownups do what they want" spiel. It's not like she didn't know what my "type" was. I had pointed that out on numerous occasions, but she was persistent. People hear what they want to hear. And sometimes they blame you if it doesn't magically morph into the story they have in their heads.

So. I will not tell any woman, ever again, that I will exclusively date her, unless I really mean "I am really attracted to you and can't think of being with anyone else."

And I won't even KISS another woman unless I feel sparks when I meet her and have spent some time getting to know her enough to see if there are any .

And I most certainly won't try to quench any primal urges with another woman unless I think I might actually LOVE her.

The next time I am intimate with a woman, I want it to be an expression of love. Lovemaking.

I don't ever want to have sex again.






2 of 5: Sullied Pajamas, Redux

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