My Hands That Close to Your Neck

In anticipation of an upcoming Ethical Dilemma, i am striving to prepare myself for a choice i might have to make. I want to make the choice that gives an accurate impression of who I am; and who I am is someone who wants to be ethical, evolved, yet not at all an oil pan for the machinations of the morally corrupt.

Here's the situation: I live in a small town, where all your actions can affect how you are viewed, your ability to exist in that town, or do business, or simply live in harmony; and that view can be reflected back to you with dizzying speed. I am to be involved in a public event soon, and worry that i might cross paths with a particular person, whom I'll call the Big Eraser (inspired by my need to forget my association with her). This person lived in my home, used my things, brought no belongings, and in fact had none--only a white garbage sack of items...not due to youth (this person is pushing 40), and not due to an inability to be self-supporting. She had made a proclamation that she wanted to buy me a car to replace my van which had recently died, and said this would be her way of repaying me for all I'd done for her. Then I get a call from the owner of the car lot who had the note, and he told me the payments were behind several months. I knew nothing of this. SO I had to make arrangements to pay off the rest of the car. Her appreciation was ultimately exemplified by leaving me holding the proverbial bag. I had been loving, generous and supportive to B.E., and what i got in return was sloth, abuse, lies, deceit and eventual admissions of hatred after she cornered me, ground her boot into my toe (breaking it), threw me into a coffee table, {see photo of bruise} and I called the cops to remove her from my home.

This person had treated me with disregard, cost me money, frustration and stress, and at the end, caused me physical harm. That's where I drew the line. (nowadays I draw the line way before most of that). But she managed to get away with her behavior for various reasons. I thought maybe she needed someone to just love her and show her what she had never had from anyone, including her family. My efforts to show her compassion and love was wasted. I learned some important lessons--I believe that everyone with whom we cross paths can be seen as a teacher. We don't have to like them for that to be true.

So, this is a small town, as I mentioned, and I fully expect B.E. to attend this public event, and that might necessarily put me in a position to provide a service to B.E., should that request be made. It's important to note that this service is Therapeutic Touch, and therefore requires me to impart love and healing--the last thing i feel I am capable of giving to her.

My response to this hypothetically anticipated request will also be rather public, and while i don't want to seem like a bitch, I also don't want to appear a doormat, nor do i wish to impart "reward" or seem to condone or approve of B.E., only for the sake of social graces. I am not disingenuous enough to pretend i have affection for her. Add to this, the fact that B.E. has repeatedly avoided karmic debt, and it irks me that B.E. has been able to charm around and over everyone until they personally experience the truth of who B.E. really is. This is a person who is an alcoholic, and whom i witnessed buying alcohol for minors, was a self-confessed former drug dealer/maker, who damaged or perhaps was responsible for the deaths of an unknown number of people--maybe even kids--and had the unmitigated gall to brag about it. This is a person who has lied to others (including myself, initially) about burn scars, stating that they were received in some heroic gesture, when really the burns were received in a drug lab fire while cooking Methamphetamine. Yet B.E. has managed to snow everyone else, it seems, and supposedly was hired for federal job, even with a criminal past, a history of dodging taxes, and without a GED or High School Diploma. Anyway, in regard to my response to B.E. in this scenario, I have a generalized angst attached, i.e.,"Why do good things happen to bad people?"

Now, an argument can be made that The Wheel of Karma spins on its own, and does not require that we manually turn it. If a karmic debt is due, it will be paid, one way or another, and it is the most healthy thing for me to keep my hands off that wheel. I remind myself of this frequently, when I have to deal with people like B.E.

Back to the Public Event in which I might cross paths with this person: Should B.E. approach my area and say, "I'd like a treatment," my response is crucial for many reasons. In my mind, i have conjured possible responses to such a request:

"Fuck you." (anger
"Are you out of your mind? Get out of my face, Loser." (anger + judgment +confrontation)
(suggested by my best friend:) "I would love to give you a treatment. . .but for you, it will cost $700, because that's one of the debts you left for me." (sarcasm + bitterness)
"It's not a good idea for me to have my hands that close to your neck." (sarcasm + veiled threat)
"I don't think that would be a good idea." (avoidance + statement of fact)
"Sorry, I'm on a break." (avoidance + a lie + non-confrontation)
"Let me think about that for a while. (avoidance + nonconfrontation)

The last choice seems the best one, overall, for me, but I'm still not sure. It is important to me that i make choices rooted in an evolved mind...my more primitive side wants to lash out. My intellectual side wants to take a firm stance and my spiritual side wants to put only loving things into my environment and those around me, because that's what i want to get back. I am a great fan of having all those parts of myself satisfied, yet i suspect this isn't possible. I have to choose. If i choose the "High Road" and say, "Sure, sit right down here and let me give you some love and healing." Then i feel i have chumped myself, compromised my integrity, become spineless, have condoned reprehensible choices, and somehow validated B.E.'s evil ways. Why would i want to assist someone in their misbehavior? If I allow myself to become angry, I'm ultimately just hurting myself with stress, and giving B.E. power i don't wish her to have. If i avoid B.E. and the situation, i feel cowardly, yet B.E. will probably order another beer and wander off, and i won't have to deal with it further...

Of course, this scenario might never unfold, but i don't feel my consideration and energy is moot; I still need to understand how to deal with it, and i still need to ask myself these types of questions.

And I still don't know the answers to these questions.

My Hands That Close to Your Neck