I had another mini-meltdown last night. . . when I say meltdown, I don't mean anything huge. . .just angst, tears, frustration, some sadness. . .
It was in regard to someone I've been engaging. Some things have come up in my consciousness. I was aware of these things, but realized I was not thinking about them--purposely avoiding them, because to believe in that reality would suck away the good emotions I was having about talking to this woman—the Beautiful Blogist.
She lives in another state, and after numerous lengthy emails about pretty powerful and profound issues, both of us have agreed that we would like to meet in person. But is this something two people usually do so they can begin a friendship? How can you have a real friendship when you don't share the same locale (unless, of course, you had an in-person friendship beforehand)? Is there a thought in her mind that it might lead to more? OR does she just need the type of friend i can be for her?
I usually flirt with women online. That's a bad habit. I enjoy it, because i love women, and it's fun and titillating. But flirting seems somehow not urbane... even disrespectful, where she's concerned...this could simply be two like-minded souls crossing paths--two people who just vibrated on the same frequency and matched up in order to learn something about each other and themselves. Honestly, though, i didn't initially contact her with any romantic intent--i came across her blogs and they resonated with me so much that i jotted a comment or two and then forgot about it.
I had returned from another weekend at Diversity, wherein i suffered the
usual angst about no interesting women, or no women at all. This was coupled with heat intolerance which made me ill, and then that triggered a panic attack. I was down, Frustrated, close to despondent. Who was i kidding? I am much too quirky and unusual to match up with anyone. I was a millimeter away from just giving in and holing up at home, and making my peace with a life of loneliness, with only the sound of my own breathing, and the ache of need for connection with someone.So Sunday, when i got home, I was in my office, and about to head upstairs to go to bed, when i heard my email sound. Only half-curious, i checked and it was her. The Beautiful Blogist. She appreciated my comments on her blogs, and had this idea that maybe she should contact me, talk to someone "more evolved" for a change. My mood lifted.
I sat down and wrote her back. (it felt a little like the beginning of "You've Got Mail" that movie with Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan, I love that movie. It's so endearing, and it always makes me feel hopeful about finding love in cyberspace)...anyway, since then, she and I have exchanged enough emails to fill a novella. I had no clue how much i would resonate with her. I didn't know i would be so drawn to her, or that my mind would be taking me to all these places with her.... I found a unique kindredness between us, at least as far as words on the screen can impart.
Then, over the next few days, I had those two other experiences that revealed what might be a deeper meaning between us. . .(see blog: Beautiful Blogist). Thus, my efforts to entertain the possibilities with her, of "trying her on" (see blog: Love on the Racks)—has felt good, but I fear it might be the same scenario of my last relationship, and a few others in the past--that was an exercise in futility; a journey from blindness into sight again. But it was a blindness of my own choosing... denial.
It is clear that The Beautiful Blogist is still figuring some things out—things that I've taken care of long ago in the natural growth process. But there are many other things i'm still working on, and i know all the answers won't come in this lifetime. But aren't we all figuring things out? Isn't that what we do, as spiritual beings having a human experience? While she seems unsure of her path, she also seems oddly capable of working that out for herself. Was i just hearing what i wanted to hear?
My brain keeps leaping ahead to "try her on." And i have a love-hate relationship with that emotion. I don't want to go there unless it appears to be organically going there. But i can't resist. She thinks things through, She examines things like I do. But is there a small enough distance between where I am on that growth spectrum and where she is—Practically, cosmically, metaphysically, spiritually and emotionally, she feels so familiar. Like she's in my head. I want her to be that magical someone for me, but i would also cherish a friend like that.
Romantically, I'm not looking for a PERFECT person, just a person PERFECT FOR ME. (and perhaps I should not be looking for that person so much as Allowing what I have created in my mind to be that person--could it be her?). At the same time, i have no way of knowing for sure. Any of it.
I want someone who can be strong when I need that, too. (do I?) Someone who knows herself, accepts herself, wishes to continue the evolution (and how do I know she's not doing that, or being that?) Someone I can make a big deal over because i adore her--but also who can let it be about ME sometimes. Someone who is interested in my work, my creations, as extensions of my identity; who is interested in knowing me on all those levels as well as the more esoteric ones which we have been sharing.
Now, while I believe The Beautiful Blogist wants to evolve, is evolving, is aware of things on a level most are not, and is possibly a genius as far as IQ, I don't think I want to revisit all those things I've already dealt with years ago, as I would merely be backtracking. But it doesn't feel like the old stuff, really....I want the NEW paths, the NEW understanding. . .the NEW experience (but couldn't that be what THIS is?)
I want someone who is positive, and reminds me to be that way, too. (what if she IS positive, and can be aligned with the beliefs I have, but I just caught her during a period of angst, much like the one I am going through? Ironic? Hypocritical? ) I realize that I caught her during a transitional period where she was ending a sort-of relationship and trying to figure it out within the context of her own identity, and maybe she has moved out of that confusion, now, as she says. . . but it makes no difference, This is all paranoid rumination. My need to find my special person.
Throughout our correspondence, it feels like we have known each other longer. The question I struggle with—even at this premature hour—is that I don't know what her role is to be in my life. I have my emotions about it, but am afraid they might be predicated on what I want—I might be doing just what I warned her about: laying a transparency sheet over a person and choosing to believe that the result I see is really there, because I want it so desperately. And desperation is the operative term. Desperation is not only unattractive, it is also a pitfall in the path of life. (Again, I am humbled by the very real possibility that I am guilty of the same weaknesses of which I accuse others).
But desperation colors our decisions and causes us to misstep. It seeps into our consciousness and creates its own reality. This may or may not be the reality that exists. Nor the reality that is more real than our human limitations will allow us to see. And what of the reality I create? A-H said,
You've trained yourself to face reality. You've trained yourself to tell the truth. You've trained yourself to tell it like it is. So in the beginning, these fantasies feel a little inappropriate, because it's like you're fooling yourself. Sometimes people will say, "Well, isn't this just denial?" And we say, we hope so! We hope that you are denying the absence that you do not want. And we hope that you are embracing the presence of what you do. But somehow the idea of denial has become a dirty word to you; like it is virtuous to face the reality of the horror of your own lives. And we would be ignoring anything that did not please us. We would get our eyes on what feels good. (Abraham-Hicks).
....and SHE feels GOOD.....What "feels good" or at least what WAS "feeling good" was the possibility of her being that One that I seek. Friends are great, and i have some great friends...so if i'm brutally honest, i secretly wish her to be more than that.
The flip side of this conundrum is that whatever I may judge her to be, and whatever place in her evolution I may believe she resides, it could all be something else. Or it could all BECOME something else, if it isn't at this point. How many times in my past did I hate it when someone thought I was something i was not? Too many, I fear. There could be tradeoffs (as there always are) that are agreeable to me, because I might feel I am getting enough of something else to balance those incongruities.
One person may offer me obstacles and I know from the other aspects of the relationship and what else I am getting from them, that this is not equitable. Another person may offer me the SAME OBSTACLES, but offer rich additional aspects, that make the obstacles seem inconsequential and negligible.
What I continue to come back to, is that I don't have enough data to be able to make a clear assessment. So perhaps all I need to do is calm down about it and allow the process to be organic.
I cannot know what role she might play in my life, until I meet her, and see what our chemistry could be. . .and I find it difficult to continue this process as it currently is, until I know how to frame it in my mind—am I being a friend? A mentor? A pen pal? A potential mate? Would I behave differently in each of those scenarios? I feel that I would. But Should I? Or should my behavior at this point be only a certain type of behavior, regardless of how it blossoms, or what the flower looks like?
My mind leaps ahead to the logistics: If I do get to meet her in person, (which I'm not sure she could arrange, because she works two jobs) --but if she can arrange the time off, but can't make the trip here, and I end up going to her, I have to deal with the AC in my car being out right now...an 8 and a half hour trip to Texas, without AC. Not something I can do with my heat intolerance...but if I find a way to do it--rent a car or whatever, I can just frame it as a little mini-vacation for myself, meet someone new, have a good time, make a friend, and then have something else in my experience afterward from which to launch new desires, since contrast is the key to that. To wit:As you diminish contrast, you diminish your ability to decide, and as you diminish your ability to decide, you diminish your ability to focus, and as you diminish your ability to focus, you do away with your reason for existing. (Abraham-Hicks).
It has to do with the way I frame that experience, perhaps. Obviously, I cannot allow myself to go into it with expectations, because I set myself up for disappointment if my meditations/fantasies/wants are not realized. Yet, it is with that higher vibration of expectation, that I create exactly what I wish to have. This dichotomy is troublesome to me, to say the least. How do I reconcile expectations that can cause me great pain or disappointment, with allowing the expectation to create what I wish to have?
I've been learning so much from the modern gurus about living the life I want to have. . .I know that I forget, as most humans do, that reality is something we choose. I still get bogged down in the quagmire of helplessness, the morass of morality, the swamp of insecurity, and I lose my balance. I sink. I drown. I die just a little each time—or perhaps I am resurrected, who's to say?
I suspect that having two mini-meltdowns (or too many meltdowns) in as many weeks is largely stemming from my concentrated work in the areas of my SELFHOOD. I'm stirring everything up, I'm asking the big questions again, I'm examining my beliefs, my thoughts, my fears. . .I have found my major Achilles Heel, which is my overwhelming need to have a partner in my life. But not just any partner. I know too much now to pretend I don't know; I have evolved past that point where I can lie to myself and make concessions about what's okay with me. I know myself too well. And yet, having these higher standards—higher than the norm—I have painted myself into the proverbial corner. If I were to chart it, funnel it down, "do the math":
* There are few people in the orbit I'm in;
* fewer still who are women;
* even fewer who I am likely to cross paths with,
* and even fewer who are gay women
* fewer again, to whom I will be attracted
* and continuing into fewer who are compatible with me on a hundred other levels.
. . .until I have descended into the abyss of elitist romance.
What's a lesbian to do?
The resounding sentiment is "Accept it, and just get more cats."
But is there that much limitation? It makes no sense to me that this must be my fate, and yet my fear tells me it is so. Do I listen to my fear? Intellectually and spiritually, I know that fear is not the antecedent of abundance. Emotionally, I feel that abundance is somehow out of my reach. We are supposed to pay attention to our Emotional Guidance System, yet what if our EGS is retarded on some level?
UPDATE: We have still not had our first phone call due to circumstances beyond her control...but I heard her voice when she left a message on my answering machine, and it made me tingle. Like a silly teenager, I listen to it several times per day, simply because it makes me feel good. Gads. I must have a hole in my head, and my brains are leaking out.
No comments:
Post a Comment