I had five dreams about her again last night. I wasn't thinking about her when i went to sleep, nor the whole day before. But again, i dream about her. too often. And it's always the same. She is in some way being nice to me. The dreams always feel so good. So why am i complaining? well, because it's a dream and not real. I never did get that closure with her. She never was nice to me.
It's complicated also by the fact that in all these dreams, the "nice:" gets mixed in with the romantic, and she is kissing me, hugging me. I don't think we've ever actually made love in any of these dreams, but there is always the strong suggestion that's where it's going.Ten years is a long time for someone to remain buried in your subconscious, only to be resurrected in nocturnal worlds. I'm not still in love with her. I'm not even the same person i was then. I don't want her back. I want that feeling. And she's the only one I had the feeling with. The only one i was so deeply in love with. And so she remains an icon...an archetype in my brain.
I made the mistake a couple of months ago of seeing those old memories in video and photographs and text. And that's when it started. And so I dream of her. And when i wake, i don't want to wake. I want to go back to sleep and dream of her again. Her touching me, smiling, laughing, kissing me, and being nice.
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