Birthday Bash

Retro-post

18March

Stealing some time, here. Too much to tell. mainly, on the 12th, the day before my birthday, we had probably the worst episode to date. D. lost it completely. She swiped all the stuff from the coffee table, the end table, smashed a bunch of liquor bottles, threw her new bong across the room into the wall, breaking it. She sat and screamed over and over at the top of her lungs. I got scared she was suicidal, and i went into the bedroom to check the .38 in my drawer--it was already unloaded. I suppose she did that for MY safety. Ironic. Then i was checking her work gun and couldn't get it out of the holster--it was dark. She came in behind me and i'm sure thought the worst--I could tell she assumed I was suicidal--which i wasn't-- and i said, "no, I'm just trying to unload it.." and i guess she didn't believe me and grabbed it, took it out the back door and threw it in the koi pond. I'm thinking, why didn't she just throw the ammunition in there? why the whole gun?

Later, she tried to dig it out with a rake, and couldn't, saying that was a fucking $900 gun. I wanted to say "Well you're the one who threw it in there." But i didn't. Finally as I watched her get more and more agitated about it, i got worried that losing that gun would set her off again, and i got into the pond to get it--not knowing how cold the water was--it literally took my breath away. Then i slipped on the algae and fell. COLD. PARALYZING COLD. I got up, and slipped and fell again, wrenching my back. I finally climbed out and went inside, to take the clothes off. I've never felt water so cold in my life. I thought it had warmed up with the nicer weather we've been having. But obviously not. She just watched the whole thing and didn't try to help me.

The biggest problem was during all that,  i was faced with a horrible decision--to try to help her get through this, or call 911 and have her put on 10-90--a 78 hour psych hold. But i knew i couldn't take care of the bills and such since she handles all that now, and was worried, and of course also knew this would screw her dream of going to paramedic school and getting a job as it would be on her record. But i was so afraid she was literally in such bad shape psychologically, that it was the only thing to do. I agonized, and finally just forced my arms around her and held her while she screamed, i told her I loved her and i wasn't going anywhere, and we would make it. trying to calm her. It was awful. i never want that to happen again. 

Looking back on that...it lasted something like 15 hours...it was one of the most horrible days and nights of my life...I felt so helpless, so cornered, so frightened...it was like someone was rolling my guts up in barbed-wire pulley....all she could say the next day (13th--my birthday) was "Sorry I ruined your birthday." Yeah, just like New Years, Christmas, Thanksgiving, our anniversary, starting a business together, our trip to Alamosa, your marriage proposal to me...all those special events have been ruined. If i had some perspective then--like i do now--I would have left then (or much sooner, or not have moved in there at all). I would have said, "Yes you did ruin my birthday. You've also ruined this relationship and you're about to fuck your entire future.  Why can't you pull yourself together? You can't expect me to put up with this much longer..." But I opted for compassion. I told her not to worry about my birthday, that i just wanted her to be okay, that i wanted us to get through this and have that life we dreamed about...

I was stupid.

Birthday Bash