Aversions

There are these idiosyncratic behaviors that we all have--one category of which is what I would call "aversions." I have them, and I understand where some of them came from and some are just mysterious. The dictionary defines aversion as a feeling of repugnance toward something with a desire to avoid or turn from it.

Some of mine are:

Touching the toilet seat to lift it up. That's why I always have one of those fuzzy covers on it. I will touch that.

Walking on hard floors with my bare feet. So i have tender baby feet. And i just can't stand the thought of them being dirty, either. Socks are just as bad if you have hard wood or other hard surface floors.

Dirty or stained teeth. Really. There's not excuse for this. There are a slew of products we can carry in our pockets that take care of this even when you're away from home.

Physical obstacles. --As in things in my environment that keep me from moving freely, functioning smoothly.


My sleep-pant legs pulling up. I think this is largely due to my aversion to unshaven legs rubbing together. I fail to shave everyday to keep them smooth, so this issue is inevitable. I still search for cuffed sleep pants that are as comfy as those Hanes ones I buy in the men's department.



Leftovers. I just think variety is the spice of life and at my age, i find that i am more and more bored with food. That's why restaurants like the Golden Corral are so attractive to me. I can choose among a hundred different things.

Family. --as I have never had a good experience with any family.

Filthy kitchen or bathroom. Nothing repulses me faster than visiting someone's home, only to find that their kitchen and/or bathroom looks like it is better suited for a crack house...

Calling customer service. Is it just me, or has customer service become an oxymoron in today's society? I hate the rudeness, the endless automated menus, and getting disconnected, only to have to start from the beginning again. I will avoid these phone calls like a flesh eating bacteria. I'd sooner perform an appendectomy on myself with a spoon.

Ball caps on women. Not every woman can pull it off without looking butch. I like my women to look like girls. Maybe it's because i lived in South so long and had to see all the Dykes wearing them, with their extra 80 pounds, short hair, and man-clothes. These types probably walk barefoot on the floor, have dirty bathrooms and kitchens, and no toilet seat cover.

Aversions

Face Down in the Low Road

(originally published 13January 2011, taken down out of respect for my partner, but now that things tanked, and she was arrested for domestic violence against me, and i have since moved, all bets are off).

I always try to take the high road. But when people mush your face into the mud of the low road, you have to work with what you've got.

What am i talking about? I'm talking about relationships with people. History is replete with jokes about them. But we often joke about the things that are the most painful. It's how human beings reframe and share that commonality of the human condition.

But i have been unable to find anything funny about a group of people that decided to hate me from the start. And why do they hate me? Obviously, some misplaced threat that i represent. I am taking something away from them. I am "forcing" them to do things they don’t want to do, simply because what they’re doing is not acceptable to me. 

I am "forcing" the mother (her belief) to move out of her daughter's house and get her own place. Just like they decided a long time ago before i came on the scene; just as she should do, unless she expects her daughter to keep her life on hold after having 15 years of a rotten relationship before, and unless she expects that D. doesn't deserve to be happy; and unless she expects to live with her daughter for the rest of her life for fear that she might have to take care of herself and spend time alone...perhaps she's afraid she won't like the company. I don't.

And there's even one "friend" in the bunch who has betrayed my partner--also apparently because of me. (If I were only a tiny bit more insecure, i would think that i was some kind of unwitting monster. But i know better). Now, while i find this threat-stance absurd, since a partner never can take the place of a mother or a friend or a sister, absurdity cannot make way for reason in their minds. The irony is that people do all kinds of things to avoid the things they fear most, and those things can often lead them head-on into the very results they seek to avoid.

All i know is, i find it reprehensible that a group of people who profess to love D. are doing everything in their power to destroy her life. The stress this has caused us both has resulted in fighting, sleepless nights,and sleeping nights filled with nightmares; it has caused D. to leave the only job she felt she was perfect for; it has caused trips to the doctor for medication she's never had to take in her life; it's triggered every fear, every insecurity, every pain, and every ounce of anger I have ever possessed, and it's done it all at once and in spades.

And all because being petty and selfish and shallow is more important than having integrity, character and love.

For a while, there was not even a tiny part of me that was open to reconciliation. It would take a great deal of sincerity and heartfelt apologies, the sort that come from personal epiphany and evolution. Now, there is a tiny part, but i think only because I find it so sad for D. that she has been dragged behind this horse for so long, and for no reason that makes any sense. I know what it's like to have a family betray you, and that kind of pain never completely goes away. The larger part of me, however, hopes that they have this sort of pain visited on them, and they learn, viscerally, what it's like to have that kind of injury inflicted on them. Only then will they appreciate what they have done. The damage they have caused. And only then, can they ever hope to make it right again. I hope, for my partner's sake, they do make it right. But until then, we must behave as though they don't exist. Acknowledging that  this kind of selfish cruelty exists--and in your family--is just too painful to consider for longer than a nano-second.

Face Down in the Low Road