Fleeing Field Mouse

Rushing around like a fleeing field mouse, trying to think ahead, and protect myself. Closed the joint accounts, opened a new one in my name, with an extra security code only I would know; got them to do auto transfer of my direct deposit due in on 1^st to my new account. The new card would be held until I called with an address, as I told them it was obviously not a good idea to mail it to the house.

Called AT&T and had her iPhone number removed from my account. I'd still pay the same amount, until i found some number from a battery of an old phone so they could remove $30 data package. Hopefully I can get my old single plan back without paying this much for the contract duration. I don't have an old cell phone laying around for the first time in my entire life. Screw it, I just needed her not to run up that bill. And I bought her that iPhone for Xmas anyway, and resented that she'd get to enjoy it now on my dime.

Storage: got new lock plug ($10 I couldn’t really spare), changed the code for the gate to get in too. I called Apartment office. Place not ready until 30 May. Have to find place for 2 months. Extended Stay, probably.

Called to have myself removed from D's Home Depot and Discover cards; don't want to incur liability for those bills when I didn't ask for that privilege anyway she wanted me to have them. I never used the Discover card, and only the Home Depot one for a few dollars when she sent me to get something. It was the account she used to buy all the renovation stuff for the house.

Got online and bought a PO box, at the suggestion of Justi, since I didn't want my mail to forward somewhere where she'd know how to track me down.

Called Car place and told them the story and asked how they wanted me to pay last two payments—would they take a temporary check? They said to send the check, so wrote that out, had to hunt all over for an envelope, and finally climb into u-Haul and do some excavating and spelunking and finally managed to force my arm thru a hole, finger open the desk drawer and free the envelope. When I tried to seal the check inside, realized it was an old envelope and the stickum didn't stickum, no matter how many times I licked it. I was painfully short on spit, due to dehydration. I finally found some scotch tape and taped it, but that was also old, and had also lost it's stickum. I found more scotch tape, yes, back in the u-Haul, in my desk, which required a re-excavation and arm poking and fingering open a drawer. This tape worked. But when I clipped the envelope to my Daytimer page, I realized I had no stamp, so looked all over, and thru D's stuff for one. No luck. Would have to find time to stop at post office and wait in line for that 44 cent square of paper that had, no doubt, working stickum on it. I'd let the postal clerk worry about that.

CW came by to help me load. Got lots of wish-we-were-there-to-help messages from those friends out of state. So tired, and more to load and do. I am so afraid I'll blow a disc again, and I am in so much pain. But maybe that's what keeps me awake. I will have to make second trip to get my stuff to storage--only a few things, the last load. And that's with me having to leave some stuff i could not carry up the stairs anymore. I left several things. Like my bookshelf and my TV--too heavy for me to handle. Couldn't turn U-Haul in on time so had to keep for second day. I am so overwhelmed and just trying to keep myself together to get these things done. I don't dare let myself think of the emotional parts, or I might not be able to stop crying.

Fleeing Field Mouse

The First Idiot & His Right-Hand Dick

The First Idiot is once again revising the reasons for going to war. Now, it seems it is about Osama Bin Laden again and the economy. Funny, in an interview with Anne Curry on February 18th, Bush said, "I don’t think so. I think actually the spending in the war might help with jobs…because we’re buying equipment, and people are working. I think this economy is down because we built too many houses and the economy’s adjusting."

At any given time in the past, Idiot-extraordinaire Dubya said the war was about oh-so-many things--according to what his pea-brain thought would fly. How stupid does he think we are? I can recall when he first announced this war, it was called Operation Iraqi Liberation...until someone with two brain cells to rub together pointed out that the abbreviation for that was OIL. It was changed to Operation Iraqi Freedom.

A recent graduate of the University of Illinois, Devon Largio, did a study of rationals offered by the Bush administration and its cronies for the war. The study only covered a time span between September 2001 and October 2002. "Largio examines the public statements of President George W. Bush, Vice President Dick Cheney, Senate Democratic leader Tom Daschle, Sens. Joseph Lieberman and John McCain, Richard Perle (then chairman of the Defense Policy Review Board), Secretary of State Colin Powell, National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, and Deputy Secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz." The table for this study can be found here.

This is the text list:

1. To prevent the proliferation of weapons of mass destruction.
2. For regime change
3. To further the war on terror
4. Because of Iraq's violations of U.N. resolutions.
5. Because of Saddam Hussein's evil dictatorship and actions
6. Because of a lack of weapons inspections in Iraq
7. To liberate Iraq
8. Because of Iraq's links to al Queda
9. Because Iraq was an imminent threat
10. To disarm Iraq
11. To conclude the Gulf War of 1991
12. Because Hussein was a threat to the region
13. For the safety of the world
14. To support the United Nations.
15. Because the US could (easy victory).
16. To preserve peace around the world
17. Because Iraq was a unique threat
18. To transform the region
19. As a warning to other terrorist nations
20. Because Hussein hates the U.S. and will act against it
21. Because history calls the US into action.

And this does not, apparently, cover ALL of the statements made in this regard.

A few days ago, Bush added "the economy" and "because the surge is succeeding" to that list. Once again, Dubya-Dumb-Dumb is under the false illusion that the American people are as stupid as he is, and that you can make a silk purse from a sow's ear. He even had the gall to say that troops would start coming home now. He failed to point out that they were the extras sent for the surge, and the other ones will still be there.

And then there's that other Dick: the Vice President, Dick Cheney. When Cheney said, "On the security front, I think there’s a general consensus that we’ve made major progress, that the surge has worked. That’s been a major success," White House correspondent Martha Raddatz responded, "Two-thirds of Americans say it’s not worth fighting."

And Cheney's Dickish response was, "So?"

Raddatz pushed on: "So? You don’t care what the American people think?"

"No." Big Dick answered. "I think you cannot be blown off course by the fluctuations in the public opinion polls."

This, when we know that there has been no fluctuation in public opinion. Any changes in public opinion have been steadily and increasingly AGAINST the war. But DICK doesn't care what the people think--though ironically, he thinks he can speak for us like he did in February when he said "The American people will not support a policy of retreat." Could there be any clearer indication of public service being a cloak for self-service?

On the 5th anniversary of the "Shock and Awe" (the beginning of the war), Cheney was fishing off a yacht belonging to the Sultan of Oman. It's obvious why he doesn't care what people think and wants the war to continue. He's benefiting from it.

I say try Bush and Cheney (among others) for High Treason and War Crimes, and hang them by the neck until dead.

And just in case someone monitors this and sees it as a death threat, I am NOT offering my services, nor soliciting the services of anyone else. I am instead exercising my right to free speech. We do still have that right in America don't we?

Mark Twain once said, "Patriotism is supporting your country all the time and your government when it deserves it."

That's what I'm doing.

The First Idiot & His Right-Hand Dick

Hope Does Not Float

Sometimes i catch myself crying. I'll be listening to music, or playing Mahjongg, or watching television, and a tear will make a cold streak down one cheek, and then i have to ask myself what caused it. A cheesy commercial? A dramatic scene in a movie? Allergies? Some irritation in my eye? Maybe the irritation is simply the act of seeing through my own eyes. What triggers these moments of melancholy? what veiled emotion slips out while i am paying attention to something else?

My first thoughts always go to the inordinate amount of time i spend alone. Am i just lonely, then? Yes. Profoundly, sometimes. The nature of my life is one of frequent isolation, and most of the time, I'm okay with that. But this tearful reaction resonates with deeper meaning. My thoughts go to all of those in my life, and those now out of my life that i hear about second hand. I hear about them finding love, living in domestic bliss with a partner and a child, and a family, and i know now that my life is half over, and I can only hope to have one of those things. And that's looking bleaker by the moment. I know that a life of purpose and meaning is something that happens to other people. I create works of art, I write and sing and record songs, I author books and blogs, and I share it all with everyone. I study and i question and I examine, and I try faithfully to understand everything about living in this time-space continuum. I lay bare for all the world to see, the secrets of my soul, the joy and inspiration, along with the wounds of my heart, hoping that it will matter somehow. That someone might notice that i get it--that I really understand. That I am honoring the gifts. That someone might come along and see me. Really see me. But each momentary frisson of hope is only mocking me. And the knowledge is red hot against my heart, that I worked so passionately to conquer those crutches I leaned on so hard in the past, to refuse to be victimized, to be an individual others enjoy spending time with; I taught myself to laugh again, and to see something good in everything i encountered. I learned about human nature, philosophy, sexology, science, spirituality...I made myself available to others for counsel and support. And they sought my counsel. They thanked me. They praised me. And for brief moments it made sense, and it made me proud to be who I am. Proud of the progress I had made. I wanted to be someone also who had something tangible and of value to offer that special someone, but all I become is the one who repairs their injuries, lightswitching their darkness. . . and I am left watching them carry on, revived, while I spend so many nights clenching my fists and fighting against the maudlin memories, the sharp blade of truth against my jugular. I look out the window and whisper, When is it my turn? After years of fervent toiling to fashion myself into a person of character and integrity, I find that these are not qualities in high demand. Perhaps my greatest work of fiction, is that I'm okay with how it's turned out. That I would apparently have better luck if I had remained damaged.

Hope does not float. It sits on the bottom, weighted by its own lie.

Hope Does Not Float

The Truth is Ever Clear

It is with a renewed sense of disillusionment that i tap these words out; it's a morse code into the universe, a plea for sanity, a prayer for humanity. Melodrama, perhaps? Sure. But i really do feel that way. I feel that it is more and more difficult to find people who are stable and self-actualized; who don't have a cartful of baggage, rather than just a carry-on; and who would never look you in the eye and lie.

My previous relationship was a large learning experience for me, as all my relationships are, platonic or otherwise. I choose to frame them as little classrooms, micro-courses in the school of human nature and my place in it. WHile there is much to dissect about my last foray into romance, i have only one thing on my mind: that no matter how well you think you know someone, they all have secrets. Their true identity can be masked for a period of time, and the mask might not fall off until they are walking away or being shoved out the door, with any manner of debris left behind. THe person i refer to behaved in odd, disturbing, and verbally abusive ways, only to explain later that it was her medication, or that she was tired...There were other, more accurate reasons.

In my book, ISO: In Search Of, i warn against red flags and deal breakers in the relationship milieu. Yet i am as guilty as those i try to enlighten, of ignoring what i don't want to see. Need, desire, fear--these are all powerful emotions that can alter our perception of what color that flag really is..."maybe it's just sorta pink"..."or maybe it's really white, and that's just the wonderful sunshine reflecting off it"...nada. It is still a red flag. I noticed the associations, the warning signs, but chose to believe her when she explained. I didn't listen to my gut.

Now that the relationship has met its demise (for many other pertinent reasons), i am given this postscript on the story; this symbol of my own blindness, this evidence, left at the scene which i must now catalog in my mind for future reference. Love can be like CSI.

It was almost cinematic in its unfolding...she spent a good deal of time in the upstairs guest room, working on her projects and studying for school, while i was downstairs at my desk, doing my own work. Yesterday, i was moving the recliner from the guest room, and had to flip it over to get it to fit through the doorway. I heard a clunk, and turned around. On the floor in that hallway was an almost empty bottle of Everclear.

My brain wanted to explain that away. She was upset during our several breakups and reconciliations. She was drowning her sorrows. But then, who goes and buys a huge bottle of Everclear when they need a drink? Everclear is the choice of hardcore drinkers. It's hard to detect on the breath. It's monstrously strong. Why not wine coolers? Why not beer?

Then i began to recall all the other incidents...the two times on the phone before she moved here, when she was obviously blotto, and trying to drive herself home; that night she went off on something innocuous and sounded like a ranting, hateful harpy; the several times during tense conversations about our rickety future when she would behave like a total wino or scream and say things that made no sense and wasn't even on topic...only to forget it the next day, surprised at the retelling of it...

...and then it became clear. Everclear.

The Truth is Ever Clear

Dubya Must Die

I find it reprehensible and infuriating that Bill Clinton can be impeached for getting his weeny pleasured, and then trying to cover it up, and George W. Bush can lie constantly, rig his election, send thousands to their deaths just to line his pockets, patronize the viewing public every time he gives a press conference, deprive the citizenry of their vote, abandon the needy in his own country while giving billions to another that harbors Bin Laden, keep company with terrorists, commit treason on a daily basis, and he is still in office. Perhaps the Christian's "angry God" will simply smite him where he stands. But since it didn't happen to Hitler, Stalin, Saddam or Osama Bin Laden, i won't hold my breath.

Dubya Must Die