Mercy Kissing

Recently i was presented with an ethical dilemma which i initially found troublesome due to its lack of a clear path of reaction for me as an ethical person.

The situation, in a nutshell, was this:

During a visit at my home from a female friend, she came out to me as a lesbian, and confessed her attraction to me, and i was at once surprised and confused. I hadn't ever thought she saw me in a romantic way. That was not the dilemma. I felt like she put me on the spot, and i had little time to consider it. That wasn't really the dilemma either. The dilemma was that she was in a loveless marriage that had become, over the years, merely a convenient friendship due to the fact that she shared a child with this man. Since i overheard part of their conversation when he called during this visit, i was relatively certain that her framing of it was accurate. She stated that she was not after my heart, not seeking a committed relationship with me, and would be happy for me, should i find the right woman at some point. And though she had intimated earlier that she hoped we could have some sexual arrangement, all she wanted from me was "just this little moment." She said, "i want you to just take me in your arms and kiss me." That was uncomfortable enough, but when i hesitated, she started to cry. Everything in her life, she said, was about someone else. She gave-gave-gave, and never got anything for herself. She had felt this way about me since the first night we had coffee together. She just wanted to know what it was like, just for those few stolen moments.

Now, although she is an attractive woman, I was clear that I had nothing but platonic feelings for her, and that would have been simple enough to respond to in the proper fashion. But then when she cried, i began to wonder if i was making my hardline ethical choices more important than compassion. Which was more important for me to consider, if i wanted to be the best person i could be? I'm afraid I erred on the side of compassion.

Afterward, i reconsidered, and realized i was regretful. Perhaps i had made the wrong choice. The gray areas always get me in trouble.

Then i found a two-part solution in the counsel of my best friend, and in the words of John Varley, via his novel, Steel Beach. The first insight my friend offered was something like this:

"Can't you remember a time when you were crying and upset about something like that? Did you really need sex or a kiss?" So the question then became, Can i be compassionate without compromising my ethics? My friend suggested my response should have been, "I like you, you are an attractive woman, and i enjoy your company, but i consider us platonic. I think that what you really need is someone to offer compassion." Then i should have pulled her into my arms and let her cry, and just be supportive that way. When my friend suggested this, my first reaction was, "Why the hell didn't i think of that?"

I percolated on that whole concept for a few days. I knew that i would certainly handle it in that manner if the situation came up again. But my understanding was solidified only a few nights later, while I was reading the Varley Novel. The passage was:

"I have a short list of things I never do, and right near the top is surrendering to emotional blackmail. If there's a worse kind of sex than the charity fuck, I haven't heard about it. And her words could be read as the worst kind of whipped-puppy appeal and dammit, okay, she did have a right to act like a whipped puppy, but i hate whipped-puppies, I want to kick them for letting themselves be whipped...only the words didn't come out like that...."

And there was the answer to my ethical dilemma. It's not like i haven't been in this situation before, either. I have often let my soft heart make my decisions, rather than my good sense. I should not be blinded by the suggestion that there is only one way to show compassion. And if anyone puts me in that position, i am not obligated to comply in the way they had in mind, and they ought to be ashamed for enlisting the ruse of emotional blackmail.

Maybe there is always a solution, even when the situation seems to tie me in a knot. The knot doesn't have to be Gordian. I can just do what Alexander the Great did, and CUT it.

Mercy Kissing

FUBAR

In my past i was always fucked up.
And I always had a girlfriend.

Now that I've done the big work to become the kind of person I think every human should ultimately aspire to (based on my tireless studies of reputable sources, including the great philosophers), along with relentless self-examination and continual attention to the details of character and ethics and how they do and should operate in me, now that I've done all that....I can't get a girlfriend to save my life.

It suggests that if i was fucked up again, I'd have better luck. I always had a relationship the whole time i was struggling. Apparently, people don't want someone who's got it together. They want someone who's damaged. Maybe because they are damaged and they know how to handle that. That's an occasion they can rise to.

So either I'm going to be the best I can be, and be alone, or I'm going to allow myself to slip into that wildly popular persona of low integrity and ethics, so that i can finally have someone who loves me and wants to make a life with me. That alone, is FUBAR. Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition.

The truth is still the truth, even if it makes no sense to me.

FUBAR

Open Relationships Vs. Monogamy (4)

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Okay. I guess I'm being too hard core.

Someone told me I'm being judgmental and imposing my opinions. I just know what i know and believe what i believe and feel passionately about it...it is not my intention to make anyone feel they can't speak their mind or have a differing opinion and i hope that's clear--if it's not, know it NOW. I am interested in engaging in thoughtful discourse, growing, learning, supporting and learning to communicate with each other.

And regarding this monogamy subject, i am still deciding where the lines are...like, is it okay to hug and touch and maybe do a little bump and grind to someone in a bar? is that over a line? I'm not sure. Maybe.(And why can we do that if there's music playing, but it's inappropriate if it's not?) Anyway, I don't do that very often. So i haven't thought about it a lot. But as far as monogamy and our romantic/sexual/intimate behavior inside that is concerned, I do believe that Commitment Implies Exclusivity. That's the main point. And i think that discussing it is healthy for all of us. I hope everyone still knows that you are all entitled to your own opinions, even if they differ from mine. I'm just passionate.

I had a real event take place about 8 years ago, and someone asked me about that...so i'll share it...

I was at a party given by my friend and her girlfriend at their house. My friend took me to a back room where she had her artwork, so i could see some recent paintings...the conversation somehow ended up with us doing some playful wrestling, ending up on the bed, and she landed on top of me and kissed me. It lasted maybe 4-5 seconds. I wasn't expecting it at all.

Afterward i said "What the hell are you doing?" That's when she said she had always wanted to kiss me.

I said, "You have a girlfriend!" (and the girlfriend was in the house along with a bunch of other women).

She told me that her gf had given her permission to kiss whomever she wanted as long as that's all it was, because this friend really had some kind of thing about being able to kiss women if she was attracted to them...she had only had one 3month relationship with one woman before this current girlfriend, and at the time they had been together about 5 years i think. maybe longer. So i had this moment when i thought "I guess it's ok..." but then it still bothered me. It never happened again, and this woman and i are still friends---for a total of maybe 12 years.

So i didn't exactly give permission for this kiss, and i was shocked by it. But even then, i felt bad. But i did deal with that confusion of "what if it's okay with the girlfriend?"

So this friend i was talking to today also asked this: what if i was in a bar, dancing and drinking and met this girl whom i was attracted to and this girl kissed me, and then we wound up going home and sleeping together...and then i found out afterward she had a girlfriend. What would i do?

Well first, i would not have done anything UNSAFE. I have to make that clear at the outset.

But then i would admonish myself for not getting to know her better before making a decision to be sexual, and then I would admonish her for not telling me. And i probably wouldn't be able to be friends with her, because there's an honesty/trust issue there and i can't always wonder if my friends or dates or gf's are lying to me. And frankly, i don't like having people in my life who think it's okay to be dishonest. I got rid of the toxic people in my life a long time ago and i intend to keep it that way, IT just causes chaos and drama and stress. It was one of the healthiest decisions i've made for myself.

Open Relationships Vs. Monogamy (4)

Open Relationships Vs. Monogamy (3)

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Someone said, about this monogamy debate,

"let me grow at my own rate, let me make my own mistakes, stop interferring with my journey!"

Well, I wouldn't pull them apart and scream "I forbid you to do this!" I am merely voicing my opinion--but not interfering with their right to use free will and make their own choices.

I am not trying to be the Morality Police here, but that doesn't mean i don't feel there needs to be some policing--by someone....by all of us, really. I have always believed that what two consenting adults do is about Primum non nocere: "First, do no harm." ...that includes safe sex or full disclosure of STD status. I guess this edict would include that third person who might be "Okay with it" when her girlfriend sleeps with someone else...I could never be okay with that. I endeavor to be not only "Enough" for my partner, but PLENTY. So if she feels she needs something sexual/intimate from someone else, we are not suitable partners, and she can tuck and roll. And never roll back in my direction. I don't "share" precisely because i have respect for myself, as *I* define self-respect. Part of that is how something makes me feel. When i have a strong negative reaction to something--there's a damn good reason behind it. I believe that if someone needs more than one person at a time, they either have a sex addiction, profound and abnormal need for approval or love, or they are just universally and perhaps blindly selfish. (These are my feelings/opinions/beliefs and everyone else is entitled to their own, whether they agree with me or not. Hurray! there's another one of those "Freedoms.")

But again, i am stressing here, that the deeper issue is much more complicated...the deeper issue is about our evolution as beings of integrity and collective consciousness...are we all going to be such free agents that we stop caring about what our actions might CAUSE?

Others have made good points, and some points i don't think are accurate, like the argument that there is no real decline in morals these days, as compared with the past. However, the very nature of our society is one predicated on a moral decay that grows stronger every day. Are you watching and reading the same information I am? Why is this even in question? I KNOW, personally that things have changed because i have been a kid and have grown up and am aware of what's happening with the generations now and since then. I see it clearly. Things are VERY different where morality and ethics are concerned. So I'm always a bit chagrined by the stance that all is well, and ethics is alive and well. But that's just me--I'm chagrined, and no one has to care that i am chagrined.

And as for the "carnal thoughts" someone might have about your wife, I don't see that doing any harm, and if it served as an aphrodisiac for both of you, then smack my ass and call me a participant. I had my own experience with that one when i was in a band with a girlfriend, and after the shows we performed to cloying, flirty, appreciative fans, we would arrive home with an overwhelming case of the hornies.

I suspect that the use of the mantras, "it's none of my business"...or "I can't judge others" is precisely the sort of apathy that generates more problems. Are we not supposed to use our judgment? What's it there for, if we don't? are we not supposed to draw rational conclusions from facts? Are we so worried about being politically correct that no one can call anyone else into responsibility? Are we so terrified of losing one iota of our freedom, that we balk at the slightest challenge to it? Are we all becoming cowards? Am i crazy, unreasonable, and offensive for drawing these conclusions???? Should i just give up and join the crowd because it's easier? because instant gratification feels so good? I've been guilty of it-- I'm not always a paragon of virtue. But i do try to learn from my actions. And i just have this pervasive sense that we are all moving dangerously far from the ideals that might save us from this decline that is as clear as cellophane to me....i think i'll change my name to Helena Handbasket.

And even if the number of sexually active/promiscuous teens and kids remained exactly the same (and i haven't seen any evidence of this, but have seen evidence to the contrary)--but assuming that's true--then, there are so many other things that have changed in recent generations that make having a moral compass and an ethical footing more important than ever. Here's some stats to shed light on it:

According to Project Reality, 10,000 teens acquire a sexually transmitted disease every day. Although current sex education has increased condom use among teens, the number of adolescents afflicted with an STD has risen with it, so that a teenager is stricken every 8 seconds.

One out of every three children is having sex at the age of 10, and 17 out of 100 will deliberately spread the virus if they know they are HIV-positive.

These are the findings of a comprehensive survey by the Community Information, Empowerment and Transparency (CIET) in November and December 2002 (five years ago--trending would suggest it's even worse now).

Some of the other disturbing findings included that, at 18, two out of every three children had had sex.

Two out of 10 pupils did not believe condoms prevented pregnancy or other sexually transmitted diseases.

One in 10 said they believed sex with a virgin could cure HIV/Aids, and one in 10 had been raped in the past year.

Three out of every 100 pupils thought that girls liked sexually violent boys and one out of every 10 thought that girls who got raped, asked for it, according to the study.

The study further stated people were becoming sexually active earlier and belief systems about sex supported sexually violent and sexually irresponsible behavior.

"It is not surprising that 43 percent of all sexual crimes committed on children reported to Childline, were committed by children under 18," the study reported.

Consider these statistics:

* Almost half of all students in grades nine through twelve have had sex.
* Half of all girls are likely to be infected with an STD during their first sexual experience.
* Nearly one in four sexually active teens have an STD.
* Teens will contract nearly one in four of the 15 million new cases of STDs this year.
* Teens make up 10% of the population, but they contract up to 25% of all STDs.
* Herpes (specifically herpes simplex type 2 or "genital herpes") has skyrocketed 500% among white teenagers in the last 20 years.

{remember, "back in the old days" there were only two STD's "available (LOL-sorry) and these were both treatable with penicillin}.

* One in five children above age twelve tests positive for herpes type 2.
* One in ten teenage girls has Chlamydia; half of all new Chlamydia cases each year are diagnosed in girls 15 to 19 years old.

It gets worse. The Journal of the American Medical Association reported in a February 2002 editorial that the number of people with asymptomatic STDs (diseases with no outward symptoms like lesions or warts) probably exceeds those whose diseases are diagnosed. This means that the epidemic may be twice as large as we think.

The STD epidemic is a catastrophe. Millions of teens have been hurt. Millions more are threatened. Diseases are tearing into the bodies of our children in ways that will cause irreparable harm or possibly death.

Oh yes, i can see how the lack of steadfast ethics and morals have had no affect on any of us.

Open Relationships Vs. Monogamy (3)

Open Relationships Vs. Monogamy (2)

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JH said, "I agree with [that] each couple [should be] free to define their respective relationship and its constraints. I have been in numerous types of relationships (all with women) in my 36 yrs on the planet. Some were with ladies that insisted that I not go out drinking without them, not slow dance with others, not grind on people even playfully and never kiss or romantically/flirtly speak on the phone. Now...at the time I agree to these terms because I was young and believed I was in love and was getting what I needed out of the relationship. What was stressful is that I felt that in the couplehood described above, I was always being critiqued and watched for any blemish in behavior. I constantly felt like if I had one miss step that my relationship was over. Ultimately, I realized that if my partner only conditionally loved me and was so quick to cut me loose if I ever expressed my affection at all with another...I was in the wrong relationship for me. I have been in very open situations as well that did keep me guessing due to the non-defining of acceptable behavior. For me it is about balance and being with a partner that I share the same views with. I believe we all just have to be okay with whatever the rules or acceptable behavior in our relationship is. I do not want to judge people be they strangers or friends for what works for them. If it doesn't work for them, I figure they will change their dynamic. It is not for me to tell them how they should or should not behave. Many states still have sodomy laws on the books and I've known of gay men that were harassed years ago and not allowed to rent one bedroom apartments together due to the fact that society believed they were anal invaders (a quote from my male friend.)

All I am saying is I'm not the morality police, because if I was I would have to arrest all actors and actresses who are in romantic comedys, etc. After all they feel and grind and kiss and they are often married to others. I suppose they are all like hookers because they get paid to make out with numerous partners each film or shooting season. Oh think of all the soap stars who have romantically screen kissed dozens of near strangers in their career and get day time Emmys for it...or the stage actors. Now I'm not even getting in to porn films...just normal films and TV. Oh, the L-word and Queer as Folk...I suppose their off screen partners must be crazy and immoral to pimp out their partners for the big bucks. No. I suppose my point is simply that folks should do what works for them and makes them feel good. For if we all adhered to what society thought was right none of us on this forum would be here and living as lesbians. We are rebels who write our own rules by definition as gay folk. I say follow your bliss! and seek out a partner who shares your like minded views on life...or grow and evolve together! If you do not agree with all the dynamics of friends partnerships then the great part is you do not have to apply those elements and rules to your own relationship...you get to write your own script too...that's what makes freedom free!

I guess I just have endless opinions on this topic: Here's something to ponder: I love to get massages and often buy them for folks I date or couple up with. I know most see massages as professional services (I do too) but I am aware that often times people get turned on during any touch session that feels good. I have almost come to orgasm during certain, non sexual massages. Would this mean I'm cheating? Would this imply that the therapist was also getting their jollies? I really feel that if either are true: BONUS! and a big tip!

If I read erotica and masturbate about a character or celebrity or someone I saw in a bar...am I cheating because I'm getting off at the thought of another? My point is the lines may all get blurred with what the consensus of society seems to be whether its regarding a lap dance in a strip bar or a grind dance with a friend on the lesbo bars dance floor. I think that people be they gay or bi or straight can have committed relationships with a primary partner. The commitment part is adjustable... it is about what THEY are committing to. They may be agreeing to never have full sex with another, or never explore and keep their partner in the dark about their activities. They may agree to not engage others in a loving/romantic way.

I personally feel betrayed when I am lied to. I find it much harder to get past the object of my affection talking to another and having an affair of the heart as opposed to getting in a situation where they touch or kiss another. My heart is much more fragile than my ego. I was married, but no one poked out my eyes at the ceremony! LOL...meaning I could and did still look at beauty. My wife and I often went out with friends and dirty danced the night away with others in group settings. Call me crazy...but I actually loved that others found my wife desirable...who could blame them...so did I! We played...but she came home with me and vice versa. Yes...we did split, but for totally unrelated reasons. I may seem kooky, but I did get aroused when I knew that others wanted to bed my wife. We would go home after and outting and take out all our excitement on each other! We were the object of each others romantic love that included but exceeded the sexual component. Just food for thought~ "
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I repeat: "So it's more about how this seemingly innocuous and isolated incident can engender larger, more damaging things to arise...cause and effect...KARMA. While "it was just a kiss" might sound plausible at first, that's where it starts. If that's okay, then how many other things become okay? If we keep moving the boundaries of ethical behavior, then soon, we will have no boundaries and ANYTHING will be okay. Is this a question of the decline in moral/ethical standards? I think so. In that regard, i tend to be conservative in my views. Yes, couples have to agree on what the various definitions are in their relationships....but that's not what i feel the issue really is. I am thinking about the big picture, not the "moment." It's easy to justify your moments.

But in the grand scheme of things as spiritual/emotional/personal development goes...are we excusing our moments at the expense of our evolution? Are we creating an environment/society of desensitization? We've all seen the affects this global village has had on children, alone. Old fashioned values have retreated into the custody of the religious right. And i don't think their definition is the only one to be had. It was once unheard of for children to be shooting meth...now it's "common." It became increasingly acceptable. As did sex before adulthood. Now it's common for kids to be sexually active at puberty or even earlier. Was that ONE TIME the ONE KID had sex necessarily wrong? maybe not. But it did lead to other things, and it did have an affect on us, globally, didn't it? So...I'm still not convinced that non-monogamy is harmless.

And JH, you make a good point about actors and massage...in that particular area, the point may very well be about INTENT. Purpose. You said, "I find it much harder to get past the object of my affection talking to another and having an affair of the heart as opposed to getting in a situation where they touch or kiss another. My heart is much more fragile than my ego." Maybe the massage and the acting is okay, because the purpose is not to "cheat" but to get some treatment for a physical ailment, or to earn a living that is about "pretending" and everyone involved understands it doesn't' mean it's real...although, sometimes is DOES BECOME REAL because it's hard for us to separate such an exact mimicry of romantic actions from an INTENTIONAL one...But I'm after the deeper meaning, here. Not necessarily the situational meaning....the global one. The futuristic one. The cause and effect one. All this overt "Freedom" we have can also come with greater responsibility. We don't live in a vacuum.

Here's another thought...I would rather have a partner who does not believe in an open relationship...and here's why: Let's say two people are in a relationship and they have agreed to be monogamous. One of them might believe in only monogamy, and the other might believe in either monogamy or non-monogamy, defined only by the agreement made. Regardless of any "agreements" or understandings two people may have come to about the boundaries of their relationship in this scenario, should the situation arise where a decision has to be made whether or not to take a ride on the "Good ship Lollipop"--that person who believes in non-monogamy might choose to err on the side of her own beliefs--which would be a natural response, really. (This is of course, assuming that people operate according to their beliefs). If your personal cosmology is, therefore, one of non-monogamy, I encourage you to choose partners who don't care about monogamy.

Open Relationships Vs. Monogamy (2)

Open Relationships Vs. Monogamy (1)

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You are in a bar with friends, and you turn around, and your single friend is kissing--open-mouth, sexually, kissing-- your friend who is in a relationship. They say it's no big deal, because they both understood it didn't mean anything. Further, the coupled friend announces that not only has she and her girlfriend discussed this type of thing, but that it's perfectly okay, and she would in fact enjoy watching her girlfriend make love with someone else, and vice versa.

How would you feel about this?

First, If this happened behind the absent gf's back--and i was friends with her, i would feel honor bound to mention it, yes. The question for me is whether i feel it is my business--though i sort of feel like if we all made that kind of thing our business, there'd be less infidelity--but perhaps that's a side issue...

...but, i want to be clear--this is not overtly about cheating-- notice that i said the "non- monogamous" behavior was deemed acceptable by the girlfriend who was not present during the kiss...so this is more about how to make a moral/ethical decision FOR ONESELF when those involved seem to be perfectly fine with the behavior...the cheating aspects comes in i suppose only in the context of how different people react to that behavior.

As far I'm concerned, if you are being non-monogamous to a person you say you are committed to or in love with, that's cheating, and most certainly not "commitment." The phrase "Forsaking all others" pops into my mind....so is it that the gay community is "acting out" in regard to the lack of standardized commitment rituals?? The marriage issue. Do they feel their ethical choices are somehow free of the same rigors because they are not really "married"? So what are they doing then, playing house? (this is another issue that can branch from this...gay marriage....).

But more on topic, I think if you're not able to be monogamous you ought to call it what it really is: namely, non-monogamous. I don't think non-monogamy and commitment go together. It would be an oxymoron to be a non-monogamous committed couple. For me, being in love and being committed has an implied edict of fidelity. I would NOT be okay with that sort of behavior if it was my girlfriend. I am very affectionate, and sometimes overtly flirty, but i draw the line on open-mouth kissing. This is just MY opinion. Obviously there are many differing ones, and I'm seeking some clarity on this, as it has come up in my life several times in various ways.

And while i also agree that good friends are hard to find, I've found that that's just as true for good partners. My friends are also my family-- since I don't have a family....but that wouldn't be my provocation for mentioning it anyway. It would be because on a human/ spiritual/ ethical level, i would feel it's wrong, no matter what. And no matter what people say, they are ultimately not OKAY about it. Inevitably, someone will feel wronged. I see it as surface calm. Surface acceptance. There can be all kinds of reasons why a person would tell their partner that's okay. Maybe they are fearful of putting constraints on it; fearful that those constraints might cause the other free-spirited partner to leave the relationship.

In the case where BOTH partners behave this way, i just feel it's a license to misbehave and avoid the true nature of commitment. For instance, what is it that you give me, if not your exclusive attention sexually? How am i special, or different from the next person who crosses your path if you can do exactly the same with her, as with me? Now there are those who would vehemently disagree with me and accuse me of being somehow less evolved. I would have to say that evolution does not include, for me, the loss of a moral compass, and you certainly can't guide yourself with a broken one.

I still feel the same way about it. I think the situation will dissolve into jealousy and mistrust and harm. So it's more about how this seemingly innocuous and isolated incident can engender larger, more damaging things to arise....cause and effect....KARMA. While "it was just a kiss" might sound plausible at first, that's where it starts. If that's okay, then how many other things become okay? If we keep moving the boundaries of ethical behavior, then soon, we will have no boundaries and ANYTHING will be okay. Is this a question of the decline in moral/ethical standards? I think so. In that regard, i tend to be conservative in my views. This might also beg the question about sexual behaviors in general...where are the lines of morality? What are the lines we draw for ourselves and which ones are imposed on us conceptually by society/media/parents? Perhaps that is another topic too.

Open Relationships Vs. Monogamy (1)