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You are in a bar with friends, and you turn around, and your single friend is kissing--open-mouth, sexually, kissing-- your friend who is in a relationship. They say it's no big deal, because they both understood it didn't mean anything. Further, the coupled friend announces that not only has she and her girlfriend discussed this type of thing, but that it's perfectly okay, and she would in fact enjoy watching her girlfriend make love with someone else, and vice versa.
How would you feel about this?
First, If this happened behind the absent gf's back--and i was friends with her, i would feel honor bound to mention it, yes. The question for me is whether i feel it is my business--though i sort of feel like if we all made that kind of thing our business, there'd be less infidelity--but perhaps that's a side issue...
...but, i want to be clear--this is not overtly about cheating-- notice that i said the "non- monogamous" behavior was deemed acceptable by the girlfriend who was not present during the kiss...so this is more about how to make a moral/ethical decision FOR ONESELF when those involved seem to be perfectly fine with the behavior...the cheating aspects comes in i suppose only in the context of how different people react to that behavior.
As far I'm concerned, if you are being non-monogamous to a person you say you are committed to or in love with, that's cheating, and most certainly not "commitment." The phrase "Forsaking all others" pops into my mind....so is it that the gay community is "acting out" in regard to the lack of standardized commitment rituals?? The marriage issue. Do they feel their ethical choices are somehow free of the same rigors because they are not really "married"? So what are they doing then, playing house? (this is another issue that can branch from this...gay marriage....).
But more on topic, I think if you're not able to be monogamous you ought to call it what it really is: namely, non-monogamous. I don't think non-monogamy and commitment go together. It would be an oxymoron to be a non-monogamous committed couple. For me, being in love and being committed has an implied edict of fidelity. I would NOT be okay with that sort of behavior if it was my girlfriend. I am very affectionate, and sometimes overtly flirty, but i draw the line on open-mouth kissing. This is just MY opinion. Obviously there are many differing ones, and I'm seeking some clarity on this, as it has come up in my life several times in various ways.
And while i also agree that good friends are hard to find, I've found that that's just as true for good partners. My friends are also my family-- since I don't have a family....but that wouldn't be my provocation for mentioning it anyway. It would be because on a human/ spiritual/ ethical level, i would feel it's wrong, no matter what. And no matter what people say, they are ultimately not OKAY about it. Inevitably, someone will feel wronged. I see it as surface calm. Surface acceptance. There can be all kinds of reasons why a person would tell their partner that's okay. Maybe they are fearful of putting constraints on it; fearful that those constraints might cause the other free-spirited partner to leave the relationship.
In the case where BOTH partners behave this way, i just feel it's a license to misbehave and
avoid the true nature of commitment. For instance, what is it that you give me, if not your exclusive attention sexually? How am i special, or different from the next person who crosses your path if you can do exactly the same with her, as with me? Now there are those who would vehemently disagree with me and accuse me of being somehow less evolved. I would have to say that evolution does not include, for me, the loss of a moral compass, and you certainly can't guide yourself with a broken one.I still feel the same way about it. I think the situation will dissolve into jealousy and mistrust and harm. So it's more about how this seemingly innocuous and isolated incident can engender larger, more damaging things to arise....cause and effect....KARMA. While "it was just a kiss" might sound plausible at first, that's where it starts. If that's okay, then how many other things become okay? If we keep moving the boundaries of ethical behavior, then soon, we will have no boundaries and ANYTHING will be okay. Is this a question of the decline in moral/ethical standards? I think so. In that regard, i tend to be conservative in my views. This might also beg the question about sexual behaviors in general...where are the lines of morality? What are the lines we draw for ourselves and which ones are imposed on us conceptually by society/media/parents? Perhaps that is another topic too.
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