Plaque Brain

I often have trouble remembering my dreams, even though i wish fervently that this was not so. Dreams are an incredible resource for a creative person, and this NO ACCESS thing makes me think that the Powers That Be are protecting me from some screaming ugly...

At any rate, when i do recall a dream, i like to write it down...if it's interesting...
so...

I was having exploratory brain surgery. Skull open, i had a metal halo contraption around my head. Two of the docs were in there--or orderlies, maybe...they were acting crazy, looking at my exposed gray matter. One of them even kissed me, laughing that I wouldn't remember and I was frightened of what else they might do. I couldn't defend myself in any way and could not speak--Like the surgeons had pressed a pause button on my language center.

Then the surgeons are in the room again, and are conferring; Like they've already looked and left the room and come back. They know what is wrong with my brain but will have to do another procedure. They are to take me to another O.R. for some reason. I want to know what it means, and am scared that it might be serious or dangerous. I can't understand what they are saying.

Then I am being guided down the hallway to the other procedure, except instead of being on a gurney, I am walking. They say they want to be sure I can walk so they know everything is functioning before the next procedure. But I feel so odd. . . people in the corridors are staring and I feel so exposed--I mean literally-- here's my brain perched inside the open resevoir of my skull...

I pass a little kid in the hallway who is playing with an object--a toy of some kind--and his mother grabs him and pulls him away from me; he throws the toy, and it lands in my brain. I hope the surgeons see it and remove it.

In the O.R, back on the table again, they begin scraping my brain. Seems it has got a film of something on it; this growth that has been suppressing my brain function. Like, Plaque-brain. This is the thing that is causing my cognitive dysfunction.

As the surgeons scrape the gray matter, I begin to have memories, and then I am overwhelmed with memories and knowledge. All the things I learned over the years that I never had access to. But it's too much, and they have to give me some sort of neuro-blocking agent to suppress it until I can handle it. It has to be allowed to filter in gradually so I won't have a mental breakdown. But I know that I feel so smart, and I am excited that I am remembering all those things. I finally have answers. I finally can stop saying 'I don't know.' I can go through my set list without a single mistake, and I can do it all visually in my head. I can remember my childhood, I can recall conversations verbatim, I can handle doing math, my checkbook, my finances; I can recall even the most esoteric of details gathered throughout my life; volumes of trivia; reams of textbook content; I can recite the titles of hundreds of books I've read. It's like that life-review thing that i believe happens when you die; where you see everything in your life and suddenly have a keen and all-encompassing understanding...But i also remember all the bad things and all the details. It's painful.

Yet, I realize that some things have been altered by my memory before--some things seem clear to me now that were muddled before. And although it can be overwhelming and unpleasant, it's worth the trade-off to me. I finally feel whole. I finally feel I have reached my potential and anything is possible. I discover that it isn't common to have this much brain power after that surgery, and they tell me that it must indicate that I was some sort of genius all along, but never knew because of this condition.

Then, my best friend, LS comes to the hospital and brings me a T-shirt that reads::"I know."

Plaque Brain

From Dreamword Mant to the Noosphere

This would be another example of how i go from one tidbit to an entirely new tidbit, both of which seem completely unrelated. This tactic has been useful in the development of plots and characters and ideas in my books. I pay attention to my dreams and often use them in my work.


I fell asleep researching and working on my book Supernatural Hypocrisy: The Cognitive Dissonance of a God Cosmology.

I was aggravated for hours about my vision issues--none of my contacts or reading glasses seem to work well for my computer work or reading...unless I take out the contacts and wear a previous pair of glasses from years ago. The more things change, the more things stay the same?
(Weirdness).
Anyway,

I wake from a dream that I was at the eye doctor, and he was checking my eyes with a light, and he said. "Just look over there at that mant."

"Mant?" I asked.

"Yes, the mant. Look at the mant."

I didn't want to admit I had never heard that term, (I am both consciously and subconsciously a word-whore...or, in the professional terminology, logophile). So I just looked at something over in the general vicinity he indicated; but then I was afraid the new prescription wouldn't be any better than the old one.

So I said, "Okay, maybe you can point to what I should be looking at, because I don't know what a mant is."

The assistant and the doctor both frowned at me, perplexed, as if there were something terribly wrong with my brain.

And I woke up.

Being the Curious-Jae I am, I had to look up "mant" because I always secretly hope my subconscious mind will give me something interesting...
I could find nothing except:

• an acronym for Mantech International on the stock exchange,
• an abbreviation for some type of chemical,
• a film within a film, called "Mant!" ¹

...and then there was this:

It seems there was a gentleman named Richard Mant. A churchman and writer, Mant, in 1839, wrote a commentary on the whole Bible.

Now the obvious question for me was, had I, at some time during my research for my book, heard of this Richard Mant, skimming over some page, and it got lodged in my brain somewhere, jiggled loose by my recent renewal of work on a religiously-themed book?

Or, like the spiritual adherents of the modern age might assume, was I being TOLD something from Higher Self or channeling it from someone else in the noosphere or Great Cosmic Ether?

Or...was it just a coincidence?

I was sidetracked from those questions by the word noosphere. And here, see it happened again, whatever this thing is that happened...While typing this, the world noosphere just came right out automatically, and I thought--is that the right word? (I always do that with interesting or out of the ordinary words). So, as always, I looked it up to be sure.

It seems that noosphere refers to the "collective consciousness" of human beings. This noosphere concept has more to it than might initially meet the eye. For instance:

It emerges through and is constituted by the interaction of human minds. The noosphere has grown in step with the organization of the human mass in relation to itself as it populates the earth. As mankind organizes itself in more complex social networks, the higher the noosphere will grow in awareness. This is an extension of Teilhard's Law of Complexity/Consciousness, the law describing the nature of evolution in the universe. Teilhard argued that the noosphere is growing towards an even greater integration and unification, culminating in the Omega Point, which he saw as the goal of history. The goal of history, then, is an apex of thought/consciousness.²

And there was this passage:

"In The Gone-Away World, a novel by Nick Harkaway, Earth is devastated in a war fought with "Go-Away Bombs" -- weapons which erase the information content of matter, causing it to disappear from reality. The fallout of these bombs, called "Stuff", subsequently draws information from the noosphere, "reifying" human ideas and thoughts into physical form and creating a fantasy landscape of monsters and horrors." (Wikipedia)

It actually sounds like a book I'd enjoy reading, because it's such a creative premise.

...I won't even go into the content of a PDF file entitled "Akashic Field Evidence" ³ --though it might be fascinating to look at more closely.

Further along, I saw, "The noosphere concept of 'unification' was elaborated in popular science fiction by Julian May in the Galactic Milieu Series." I have two books by Julian May and have been hoping to sell or give them away to someone who can follow this style of writing. It was a fantasy of sorts that had way too much alien jargon for me to wade through. I was always lost, and didn't understand what was happening, and everyone who knows me, knows that I NEED to understand what's happening.

So, another set of apparently disparate ideas, springing from a dream I had, and spurring me to investigate further.

Welcome to my life.

---

¹. Mant! trailer http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l_kTbWDxITw) about some radioactive mutation of man and ant...
² http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Noosphere
³http://www.stanislavgrof.com/pdf/Akashic%20Field%20Evidence.PDF

From Dreamword Mant to the Noosphere

Brain Sex

For the first time in a long time, I feel that there might just be better things on the horizon for me.

I had a phenomenal 6+ HOUR conversation last night on the phone, and it made me so happy to have such great rapport with someone. Communication is vital to me, and last night was a validation of why it's such an important part of my life. I have always enjoyed what i call "brain sex"--that is, engaging someone intellectually in a way that is so satisfying and inspiring, that you feel some chemical in your brain has been re-routed to the pleasure center. The perfect combination for me is conversation that includes thoughtful exchange, openness, honesty and frequent laughter. All that was present in this conversation. I went to sleep thinking about it, and I woke up thinking about it. I could not wait to speak to her again, and I am anxious to meet her in person and spend still more time getting to know her on that level. I feel..........lucky. This is not a feeling I've had with much frequency in years...i can only hope this is a portent of things to come.

Brain Sex

Beware the Drooping Cerebellum

..a cautionary tale. Maybe.

One of my ex girlfriends has this weird and rare condition where her cerebellum is drooping down too far and impinging on the brain stem. For real. It's called Chiari.

Now for a long time, even before this diagnosis, I discovered that I didn't want to talk to her anymore because every conversation consisted of her condescending to me at every turn. Gone was that delightful, brilliant young woman who so fascinated me with her thoughts on things...she had become sort of...well, an arrogant prick. (sorry).

For more insight on this, see Phone a Friend.

I put up with it during the last slew of phone calls, because she was telling me about her brain condition, and i felt genuine sympathy. I'm not a heartless bastard. Though I wasn't sure what to say. We hadn't seen each other in something like 7 years, and I only periodically talked to her on the phone or email. But as time went on, I was reminded again that I always felt like she was judging everything I said. Just an overweening disrespect in general. Well this haughtiness will only go on so long, brain condition or not, before I say good luck, bye bye. During our last conversation, I kind of reached my breaking point, and unloaded on her, telling her I was really not happy with the way she spoke to me, and i made sure I fully explained why i felt that way, and I said, "Do you talk to everyone like this, or is it just me?" She hung up on me.

A week later, she called, but I didn't answer. Just couldn't get sucked into that black hole again. And then she emailed, asking for some favor. Like nothing happened. No mention of having hung up on me, or being an ass--nothing. Whatever, Becky.

So the best I can do is chalk it up to still another person who seems mean or damaged or otherwise unpleasant to have in your life. And after that, I tend to just make jokes about it. Like, she can't help it, her brain is falling out of her head. I know it's not supposed to be funny, and maybe it's awful of me to joke about it, but dark realities sometimes need to be used as fodder for humor, because otherwise we'd all just be blubbering and wailing through this life. I don't think she's behaving that way because of her condition, either. I think it's just who she's become. For lots of reasons I won't go into here.

BUT. If I had that condition, I'd milk it. I'd do all those things that are inappropriate and blame it on the fact that my brain was falling out of my head.

Beware the Drooping Cerebellum

A Little Healthy Sarcasm Goes a Long Way

What with all the affirmations and mantras and positive self talk going on, it's obvious that we're trying to work with our minds in a way that will benefit us. But it's crucial to understand the differences in the conscious and subconscious mind.

The conscious mind makes decisions, filters information, and understands irony, sarcasm, implication and morality concepts. The subconscious mind, however, does not. If you have concerns about being overweight, and you look in the mirror and want to say "Moooooo!" there are ways to get your subconscious mind to help you out.

Your subconscious mind does not know the difference between statements like "I am fat" and "I am not fat." All it knows is I and FAT. Since the subconscious mind does not understand sarcasm, it's a relatively easy task to simply change the way you make those statements about yourself. Use sarcasm. Instead, say "Wow, I am PENCIL thin." Your subconscious will think "I, Thin," even though you were being sarcastic. And then it will begin to do whatever it takes to make that happen.

Therefore, I contend, sarcasm is healthy. So all of you who say, "I hate sarcasm," you're not only telling your subconscious mind that you are sarcastic, you're also just missing a great opportunity to reprogram your entire life, while getting a good laugh.

A Little Healthy Sarcasm Goes a Long Way

A Jarring Thought

I was complaining to my best friend Justice about my lackluster sex life, and she said, "Yeah, the most action your body gets right now is shaving."

I've engaged in sexual activity only once in 9 months...and I'm hardly ever satisfied, so basically, I'd have an equal amount of angst if I was just a disembodied head, floating in a jar.

Most of my life surrounds what's going on in my head...so if i had my cranium suspended and alive in a jar, I wouldn't have to shave, because there would be nothing to shave, and i couldn't have sex, but I'm not having it NOW, so I'd be equally unsatisfied....basically seems to indicate I'd do just as well as a disembodied head, doesn't it? Of course, i wouldn't be able to type this...

A Jarring Thought

My Friend, the Synesthete

[this article was sold recently]

My best friend is also an author, but she has unusual abilities that not only make her an anomaly among writers, but an anomaly among humans.

First, she is a synesthete. Synesthesia is an involuntary joining in which the real information of one sense is accompanied by a perception in another sense. Some synesthetes will "taste" a sound. Some can "see" a sound. Others "taste" a word, or "smell" a word. A synesthete might also see certain shapes and objects and colors whenever they hear music. Various forms of Synesthesia have been known to occur in some individuals who have had seizures.

For those Synesthetes who receive visual images from touch, could this explain psychokinetic and/or clairvoyant skills? For those who see visual representations of sounds and words, could this explain uniquely vivid artistic renderings? Was Salvador Dali a Synesthete? Vincent Van Gogh?
These questions might never be answered, because it seems common that Synesthetes remain unaware that the way they process sensory input is any different than the average person; they are only aware of this unique brain condition when they actually have a conversation wherein they compare notes with others, or when they stumble across descriptions of the condition, and recognize themselves.

Synesthesia is not new; seemingly not a product of positive ions, artificial sweeteners or a depleted ozone layer. The scientific community has been aware of it for around 300 years. After a renewed interest in the mysteries of the human brain, Synesthesia has again become a topic of interest among neurobiologists, psychologists, and the scientific community, et al.

My best friend's Synesthesia manifests in a way that I feel is even unusual among other Synesthetes. At least, I've never heard of any of them who experience things the way she does. When she writes a novel, she is not writing out of her imagination, per se, but literally transcribing an ongoing "film" that plays in her field of vision. This visual representation exists a short distance in front of her, and is much like those Plexiglas strategy boards common on Navy submarines. The film "plays" there, but is transparent enough, that she can see through it to the other things that might be in her environment on the other side.

When she gets an idea for a novel, it appears in full cinematic form. This film is a complete production, start to finish, and she has to find a way to transcribe what she sees and hears and smells and feels onto the page. This is not a visualization in the standard sense. This film appears involuntarily. It's as if she puts a DVD in a player, watches it, and then writes about what is happening. It makes me wonder if there are any famous and respected movie directors who might be Synesthetes, after I am floored by their ability to visualize an entire film pre-production, and manifest that film into the final form for the rest of us to enjoy.

But this ability is often frustrating to my friend on many levels. She can pause this film, rewind it, fast forward. (I don't have this ability, so when I get phone calls during a writing session, even from HER, I lose my flow). A character walks into her "movie" and she instantly knows everything about them as if she's read their bio before the movie began. I've seen her do it. She can stand there and get an idea and then describe the entire book to me, verbally. She can do that because it plays in front of her and she merely describes what's going on.

The first pitfall for her though, is it's distracting when she is "transcribing" this film. Perhaps she is describing John Doe, talking on the phone, and some other character in the room is dropping a pencil and eating cake. She then has to ask herself, "Should I put that in the text? Is that part of the story?"

Another frustration is that since her novels are already in screenplay form and she knows what is going to happen in every detail, it feels as if she's already written it, and that sucks a lot of the joy out of the writing process.

I am an organic writer-I love to be just as surprised as a reader about the story the characters begin to tell and where it all goes. . .but I'm still making it up.

My Synesthete author friend can also turn the volume down on the "film" or mentally press pause, when she has to answer her own phone. Just as if it's on TV. Sometimes she'll have a character (say, "Doreen") from another book, walk into the scene and say, "Why are you giving that to her? I wanted that." -and then she'll feel guilty that she's hurt Doreen's feelings.

Her Synesthesia also manifests during conversations with others. When she is having a debate or exchange of ideas, she sees a chess board, suspended a few feet in front of her, and as the conversation progresses, so do the men on the chessboard, according to who is saying what, and how that might translate into a chess game.

There are still other abilities that I feel are directly related to her Synesthesia. She has an almost photographic memory. She can recall conversations, verbatim; she can bring up an image of how a place looked she's seen only once, many years ago. She recalls even the smells that were in that room. She is also dyslexic, and has some pretty impressive intuitive skills that border on psychic.

Once, I played a tape recording of a live songwriter's performance I was part of. Although she had never been to that venue, nor even to the state or city in which it was located, when she heard the tape, she was able to describe the room in which it took place with frightening detail. It struck me as a gift not unlike Remote Viewing. The only error in her description was that the "floorplan" she described was inverted. What she described on the left, was on the right, and vice versa. But it was an accurate mirror image of the location. Could this have merely been her dyslexia interfering? She has joked to me before that when she is making a repeat journey somewhere and has to decide whether she is supposed to turn left or right to reach her destination again, she doubts her first instinct, because she's afraid her dyslexia is giving her the opposite information.

My friend also has lucid dreams. Lucid dreamers can "Come awake" in their dreams, and are aware that they are dreaming, while they are in the dream. But she can control her dreams. Sometimes not the outcome, but she can control the players, time of day, what she's wearing. She can pause her dream, get up and go to bathroom and then go back to it.

My only claim to fame in this arena, is that I have been the one to point out that Synesthesia existed as a unique condition in two different friends of mine. They have always been this way, and both were unaware that they were unusual in the way their senses intertwined. Through conversations with them, and through independent research, I discovered that most other Synesthetes aren't aware they are different, either, until a certain conversation arises and it becomes clear that most other people don't have these abilities.

I can't imagine having these gifts. It must be exhilarating in some ways, but my friend sees it as both blessing and curse. She struggles with the sensation that her writing is not really her own, since it is created in some mysterious place in her Synesthete brain before it actually appears. This strikes me as a potent example of the muse that artists speak of; information and creations channeled to them from some other place in the collective consciousness. What if the "muse" artists refer to is merely something that exists in each human brain, but is not always available to each of us, unless genetics or brain injury releases it?

There have, indeed, been cases of brain injury causing changes in brain functioning; sometimes even savantism; and autism are conditions that commonly cause unique abilities in those who have it, usually in the area of memory and visualization.

There is still much to be learned about how the cerebral cortex, neurons, synapses and other mechanisms really function, and the many ways in which it can perform feats of extraordinary skill. But whether blessing or curse, Synesthesia is not just an oddity, but a distinctive and fascinating peek inside the human brain.

My Friend, the Synesthete

Eye of the Beholder

With regularity, I am confronted by various personal ad placers who accuse me of being shallow or superficial because I require a photo of someone first, before I will explore any potential relationship. There are many reasons I require this, not all of them about attraction, but for the purpose of this particular sore spot, I will address this as if it is exclusively an attraction issue.
 

The distinction to be had here, is that I don't place ads to find friends. I have plenty of friends. I am seeking a lifemate. Therefore, the attraction factor is crucial. I don't know how anyone else defines the difference in friends and partners/lifemates/lovers, but for me, a lifemate is a friend, whom you also make love with, share a home with, and a day to day life with. This is a person I want to go to sleep with each night and wake up to every morning for the rest of the life of the relationship (one always hopes this is a very long time or until non-homicidal death do you part...essentially, I mean it's until the relationship no longer serves both of us in any beneficial way). Thus, it would be helpful if I was attracted to that person.

That being said, placing importance on appearance and attractiveness is not a reflection of my shallow, empty soul. It is a function of nature, a biological fact that is in place for clear and profound reasons. But this is an initial indicator to me, and not the end-all be-all (refer to previous blog entries ISO: In Search Of and Sour Milk From the Cyber Teat-or check out my book, ISO). Now, I might be attracted to some drop dead gorgeous model, and then she might open her mouth and converse with me a moment, and I might discover that she is selfish or cruel or unwilling to evolve, and that attraction can go right out the window. People can become more beautiful as you get to know them. This is the sometimes inexplicable chemical dance that takes place in the human brain. I make no apologies for it.

Experience has shown me that when people don't want to share a photo of themselves in the milieu of dating and romance, they have something to hide. And why do they feel a need to hide? Because they know they don't meet some supposed societal criteria of what beauty is? Probably. But then we get into the quagmire of defining beauty. One definition of beauty: Beauty is the phenomenon of the experience of pleasure, through the perception of balance and proportion of stimulus. It involves the cognition of a balanced form and structure that elicits attraction and appeal towards a person, animal, inanimate object, scene, music, idea, etc.

One may see a beautiful tree, and a beautiful flower and like the flower better than the tree, but the tree doesn't become jealous of the flower. They are each beautiful in their own way, just as humans are. However, i am under no obligation to be attracted equally.

if two people are not attracted, or one person is attracted and the other isn't, it means they are not suited to each other. It's not a make-wrong, nor a harsh judgment, but a reflection of natural brain response.

So some of us were not born "beautiful." Maybe there's a deeper reason for that, too. If you believe in reincarnation, perhaps in past lives we were beautiful and it kept us from learning things we needed to learn. Perhaps we were on the other side of that attractiveness coin and we misused it and need to have the other experience. Most likely it is simply a matter of probability based on the combination of genes and chromosomes. This is not really the point anyway. The point is, someone will always be attracted to anyone.  Whatever the reason is for the bodies we end up with, this cannot be pawned off on everyone else. We are what we are. We attract what and whom we attract. I am not attractive to many people. So be it. There has to be something there that draws me--and it doesn't have to be classical beauty or a modelesque body. I probably won't find you attractive later if I don't find you attractive now. And until I have evolved to the point where I can be attracted no matter what someone looks like, (as some people have told me they are capable of doing) then I'm left with what I have to work with now--in this moment. And I'm being honest about it.

Eye of the Beholder

Plaque Brain

I often have trouble remembering my dreams, even though i wish fervently that this was not so. Dreams are an incredible resource for a creative person, and this NO ACCESS thing makes me think that the Powers That Be are protecting me from some screaming ugly...

At any rate, when i do recall a dream, i like to write it down...if it's interesting...
so...

I was having exploratory brain surgery. Skull open, i had a metal halo contraption around my head. Two of the docs were in there--or orderlies, maybe...they were acting crazy, looking at my exposed gray matter. One of them even kissed me, laughing that I wouldn't remember and I was frightened of what else they might do. I couldn't defend myself in any way and could not speak--Like the surgeons had pressed a pause button on my language center.

Then the surgeons are in the room again, and are conferring; Like they've already looked and left the room and come back. They know what is wrong with my brain but will have to do another procedure. They are to take me to another O.R. for some reason. I want to know what it means, and am scared that it might be serious or dangerous. I can't understand what they are saying.

Then I am being guided down the hallway to the other procedure, except instead of being on a gurney, I am walking. They say they want to be sure I can walk so they know everything is functioning before the next procedure. But I feel so odd. . . people in the corridors are staring and I feel so exposed--I mean literally-- here's my brain perched inside the open resevoir of my skull...

I pass a little kid in the hallway who is playing with an object--a toy of some kind--and his mother grabs him and pulls him away from me; he throws the toy, and it lands in my brain. I hope the surgeons see it and remove it.

In the O.R, back on the table again, they begin scraping my brain. Seems it has got a film of something on it; this growth that has been suppressing my brain function. Like, Plaque-brain. This is the thing that is causing my cognitive dysfunction.

As the surgeons scrape the gray matter, I begin to have memories, and then I am overwhelmed with memories and knowledge. All the things I learned over the years that I never had access to. But it's too much, and they have to give me some sort of neuro-blocking agent to suppress it until I can handle it. It has to be allowed to filter in gradually so I won't have a mental breakdown. But I know that I feel so smart, and I am excited that I am remembering all those things. I finally have answers. I finally can stop saying 'I don't know.' I can go through my set list without a single mistake, and I can do it all visually in my head. I can remember my childhood, I can recall conversations verbatim, I can handle doing math, my checkbook, my finances; I can recall even the most esoteric of details gathered throughout my life; volumes of trivia; reams of textbook content; I can recite the titles of hundreds of books I've read. It's like that life-review thing that i believe happens when you die; where you see everything in your life and suddenly have a keen and all-encompassing understanding...But i also remember all the bad things and all the details. It's painful.

Yet, I realize that some things have been altered by my memory before--some things seem clear to me now that were muddled before. And although it can be overwhelming and unpleasant, it's worth the trade-off to me. I finally feel whole. I finally feel I have reached my potential and anything is possible. I discover that it isn't common to have this much brain power after that surgery, and they tell me that it must indicate that I was some sort of genius all along, but never knew because of this condition.

Then, my best friend, LS comes to the hospital and brings me a T-shirt that reads::"I know."

Plaque Brain

The Pusher

Certain people...why do they vex me so much? My most vexing personality type is the PUSHER. They suck the juice out of my brain and it is just so tired....

Recently, I had an unusually taxing experience with the Pusher...I had to keep reiterating that my response in a situation was about BRAIN FATIGUE...BRAIN FATIGUE...BRAIN FATIGUE...BRAIN FATIGUE...BRAIN FATIGUE!

I wanted to get some some facts straight:

• I am not her
• My brain is not her brain
• My particular needs for balance and harmony are not hers.
• I was not angry that she spilled tea on my desk--I recognized that was an accident--I'm not delusional.

I was angry about what the spilled tea DID to my already fragile psyche…(my fatigued brain). It was merely the straw that broke the camel's back. The scene escalated because the triggers continued to appear, on the heels of an already-present breaking point. I realized I had again fallen prey to the limits of my psyche; My books were stained with tea, several diskettes were ruined, I was fearful that the liquid would drip into my computer which was at the rear of my desk without a cover on it; she continued to apologize for the Tea, when it was not about the tea, it was about the trigger that would not have appeared had she honored my requests earlier.

Yes, I threw my glasses, and I threw the tea glass. I was angry and frustrated and it was an angry, frustrated reaction. But I know she made an assumption about it. I did NOT throw the stuff off my desk, it got nudged off when I was wiping the spill and that desktop hutch and all its shelves and the drawer were merely propped together and not fastened, so they fell to pieces when it fell, and it took everything with it because everything with cords was run under it and got snagged on the way down… just so she didn't think I did some table-clearing out of rage.

I did not harm my dog, Giz. I walked into the hall to get a towel out of the hamper, and saw him on top of the bed, digging. I smacked him on the ass and chased him with that plastic tub lid to scare him so he'd be less likely to do it again.

I never, at any time, wanted to or DID become physical toward her. I was angry and completely taxed, and completely frustrated with her continued inability to understand a simple concept I have explained to her ad nauseum, which she choose to continually ignore, and which continues to indicate that she is hard-headed and not concerned with what I need in order to be healthy. This, while she has simultaneously told me lately how UNQUALIFIED I was to share a home with her, be her lover, or to ever share a home with her or be her lover.

The issue was BRAIN FATIGUE. She pushed. She always pushes. She doesn't know when to stop pushing. She is a PUSHER. And she pushes because she has this intrinsic blindness in her mind about what is the natural "speed" of things. Her speed, the one in her head is NOT COMMON. She continues to impose her own truths on the brains of others. This will ALWAYS cause people to react in negative ways, unless they are a type of person who enjoys being pushed. As for her comment about me needing a drug to withstand her mental pummelings, I daresay that a large portion of the population would also need that. (and it is a much wiser alternative than allowing my emotions to completely take over a situation that needs, instead, rational thinking). Perhaps it is why her previous girlfriends have become so crazed and volatile around her. Has she considered that?? Has she considered that their organic or chemical craziness could in part be induced by her own tendency to PUSH?

Concerning the elements that contributed to this series of events….I have not been sleeping well for days. I have been worried about her and her situation for some time, and feel deeply the troubles she has experienced; I have been working on my own web sites, examining all the new epiphanies I've had in a relatively short time; trying to understand this new piano gadget; trying to understand financial issues and budgeting things for my future; doing research on a grand number of difficult subjects; thinking a lot about my relationships with other people and what my future may or may not hold; running that track in my head of things she has said to me lately such as "Never in a million years will I be with you romantically because I can't be with a mentally ill person" and dealing with the overwhelming sadness that brings me, as I feel it is simultaneously something I cannot completely cure, and something that is also made worse by her particular insistence that things exist as she interprets them; I've had stomach problems, bad nutrition, hormonal fluctuations, and I've had a backache and a raging headache on and off for about 5 days…so my BRAIN was taxed when she came over. . .that's part of it.

The most important part of it, however, and the part I would like her to focus on, is STILL BRAIN FATIGUE--But the kind SHE inflicts. And last night she inflicted it on an already-fatigued brain (something she does to me repeatedly). I did very well for quite some time, but we were at that project for 13 hours, not counting the couple of breaks, and the work done the previous day. (I don't spend 13 hours at a time on my own stuff, contrary to what she seems to think. I switch off and do meditative things to rest my brain before I go back to it. And when my body tells me to rest, I rest. I don't care whether that seems "normal" to her or not. It just IS. This method is the way I have managed to feel more mentally healthy lately. This is one of the controls I have put in place in order to "Play to my strengths." These controls are not ALLOWED by her because all she can focus on is what she needs from me, and not how to work with me so that I can give her what she needs from me. I guess she doesn't comprehend this and assumes I am somehow shortchanging her. (This is not accurate).

It is a fact that if someone is mentally tired, they will revert to more primitive responses. Look it up. That's what happened last night and that's what has happened to me in the past years when my brain was also taxed beyond endurance by dis-ease in my body, chemicals, stress, pain, and a person who continues to PUSH.

Now, she will roll her eyes and get on the Superior Train with her little GOLDEN ticket::: but I take responsibility for one thing and one thing only….NOT INSISTING to her that I get some rest and be in a rested brain state before we continued. I let her convince me several times to just sit back down and continue for a few more minutes…although I knew it would take more than that…(this is a repetitive pattern with us). Even a few more minutes meant much more to me than it ever could to her, because of the implications for me, personally. (That's living on the edge, and while you she may require that to feed her Dervish brain, I DON'T).

While I was taxing my brain, she was reading emails, answering emails, coming up with still more complicated ways to add to her site, and sitting there watching. This process affected me more because my brain is NOT her brain. When my brain begins to shut down, it's for a reason. It is my body's response to overload. It is a defense mechanism manufactured by my own body. It is not much different than the body's response to pain, or the actual MEANING of pain. Pain is an indicator that something is wrong, something is out of balance. The real solution for that is never to mask the pain, but to eliminate the thing that is causing it. (Again, I see that she thinks I was somehow doing nothing different for her than I do for myself, but she cannot possibly appreciate the changes I've made here when I am alone…I know when to stop, and I know how to start properly so that I am prepared--no different than a marathon runner who knows there has to be certain things accomplished and in place before they can begin to compete. She is very blessed that mental things are not like marathons for her).

I also know when to rest. When alone, I allow myself to do that, and then I function better. She pushes me past my limits. She would get the same reaction from a vehicle she drove at 100 MPH for extreme distances: it would run out of gas, blow a head gasket, burn up all the oil, or simply stop running; the same also for an animal if she pushed it to a corner and prodded it with a sharp stick: it would bite her and run away. This is a basic law of human nature. I owe her no apology for being human. If she is too myopic, arrogant and self-centered to understand this concept, then all I can say is, she's going to have a hell of a time finding anyone who can be compatible with her.

She also has this fallacious idea that I spend hours and hours without stopping, working on my webpages. I do spend hours and hours. And why does she think it takes me so long? I give myself BREAKS, and I only work on them when I have prepared my brain for it at the beginning, which, as she recalls, she did not allow me to do. The entire morning started off in exactly the sort of fashion that creates chaos and stress for me in my brain. She does not understand this, and I guess never will, and there is not a fucking thing I can say to make her understand it. Perhaps she is not wired to understand it, just as I am not wired to function in the way she sees fit--another example of her being intellectually self-absorbed. I told her many times I require certain things in order to function in a healthy way, and I have been VERY successful in creating and maintaining that recently. It changes when she comes along and imposes her own process on me. If she is incapable of allowing others to honor their own process, to implement their own set of conditions that are conducive to productivity and harmony, then the problem lies with her--not them, or me. If she wants things done perfectly and in record time, she should do it herself, as she seems to be the only one qualified.

The only thing I am guilty of is not being strong enough to withstand the repeated attacks on my brain that she is so fond of orchestrating. I don't think she does it on purpose or to inflict intentional harm. I think she does it because she can't help herself. Her strength BECOMES her weakness. What she CAN change is this unwillingness to honor the very personal and crucial requests of others less fortunate than herself in the brain-function department. She will never find that peer or that lifemate she wants until she realizes this about herself.

She bribed me, cajoled me, begged me, pushed and prodded and even used a few guilt-inducing comments so that I would do it anyway. So my MISTAKE was only that I did not have the balls to tell her NO, Absolutely NOT. This stems from the fact that I love her and I share a history with her that I am forever trying to "live down." Regardless, I will not let this taint the progress I have made, and I will not let her make me the scapegoat because it would be so easy to do that since I am the one with the "problem." How convenient that she has someone to foist all that onto, rather than looking at her own part in it.

She is quickly becoming another one of those people who refuse to allow me to be who I am. Does she even understand what it means to allow people to be who they are? Not this, "I don't care" stance she takes, but truly, realistically and fairly allowing that others are not HER. I am the one who has had stress issues, who has had an overly sensitive constitution because of them, who "doesn't have to work for a living"-- I am the pariah. Fuck that. I have managed to survive when I probably shouldn't have, I manage to look in the mirror when it makes me disgusted or frightened or angry. I have struggled my whole life to be a better person, a person who is productive, and who honors my gifts and always tries to hang on to that loving portion of myself, that compassion, that thirst for knowledge and understanding, and that sometimes vicious challenge of reinventing the self. I'm not responsible for other people's misplaced resentments about their own mistakes and their own life-outcomes.

I am SO sad that this pattern continues to happen with us, even when I implement solutions for my own part in it. I have made many changes, and a great many of them have been in an effort to find some harmony with her--between us. But I can see now that my efforts are inconsequential because she continues to REFUSE to meet me halfway; (meeting halfway is not defined as "I don't care" or a dismissal if the real issues). She continues to say she will meet me halfway, and then she won't. There is no question that I do have episodes like this--the reactions to extreme triggers--yes, that's part of the challenge. And that is, by GOD what I have…challenges … challenges I choose to rise to rather than run from.

I don't, however, think those challenges define me as "crazy," and I don't think it makes me much different than 9 out 10 of the people out there in the world. I just think the combination of the psychological and the physical makes me incapable of dealing well with certain situations at this point. But that doesn't mean I can't heal myself of the wounds that exist outside those things, or that have developed peripherally stemming from those things... It doesn't mean I don't make progress. It doesn't mean I can't separate the disabilities from the natural evolution that takes place inside a being who is aware enough to embrace it. I think some people just learn to control certain aspects of their lives to avoid those triggers, and some don't. I have worked very hard at discovering those things that trigger me, and I have toiled to degrees that she cannot imagine, to implement ways to alleviate them. (take organization and housecleaning and tidiness for an example…I was a slob my whole life and very unorganized, and now I am not, because I CHOSE to change that for my own mental health and to discipline myself). I have changed habits, altered facets of my personality, and questioned every indignation, fear, belief system and coping skill that occupies my mind and heart and life; and I have made great progress. I am proud of that progress and what happened last night does not negate that progress, nor does it support the overly-simplified argument she makes.

From her note and phone messages to me, it is clear that she has some erroneous ideas, and has once again missed the point. The point is not the spilled tea glass--that was merely the trigger that finally released what had been building for hours. The point is NOT that I was helping her with her web page--contrary to what she said in the messages--I completed a great deal in a short period of time without the usual problems; and the conflict only began when I started informing her that my brain needed to get away from it, but she decided it simply wasn't enough for her. . .The point is NOT that I am mentally ill and have irrational reactions to some things; I have normal reactions to abnormal stimuli. The point is that she tends to exacerbate those responses by her unwillingness to adapt to the needs of other people around her. And this is something that will reappear in her life repeatedly, until she fully grasps that she is an anomaly, and EVERYONE will disappoint her because her level of mental functioning is so much higher than the average….

She says she could never be with me in a partnership again in a "million years" because she's "not built to be with a mentally ill person." Perhaps she's even missing the point in that. Because I know in my experience with her that she is incapable of putting herself aside, as selfless as she thinks she is. Although she can be generous, loving, giving, kind, funny, brilliant…and an entire list of other wonderful things…..she is incapable, in certain instances, of backing off. She is incapable of tempering her own narrow idea of what the process must be in order to gain the outcome, and of comprehending that everyone else's brain is not her brain.

Perhaps it is time that the light switcher has her own room illuminated.

The Pusher

Cognitive Dysfunction.

(this entry was made before i knew that the problem was i had Grave's Disease, and my thyroid was dying)


A new phrase with echoes of old demons. Almost every difficulty I experience these days is directly related to some sort of cognitive dysfunction. I have multiple physical ailments, but the most overwhelming, the most debilitating, seems to be related to memory, concentration, and all the peripheral sub-routines that stem from it. Frustration is a major example of that. I am so disgusted and stressed by the betrayal of my own brain function. It's as if I have had part of my brain matter removed, or that it is simply atrophied. To wit:

When I am doing something creative, i.e. painting or writing, i move into this "zone" that blocks all the stimuli. I become peaceful, meditative, and pleasant. When I put the creative project away, and have to deal with everyday stressors--bills, busy work, the prospect of moving, the desire to purchase a home, the irritants of other people, noise--I become almost maniacal in my reactions. I have angry outbursts, crying jags, and sometimes, at crescendo, the overwhelming desire to cut myself or mash a lit cigarette into my skin.

When the phone rings, I am flooded with dread. I'll have to talk to someone. I'll have to answer questions. I'll have to deal with problem. I'll have to feign understanding, pleasantries, interest.

I look up a number in the phone book, turn around to dial it, and the number evaporates from my short-term memory.

I forget when I did things, when I said things, what I did, what I said--even if the event only happened the day before.

I've developed aversions and intolerance to certain things. I can no longer stand the sound of silverware scraping a plate or bowl-- I have to use plasticware. I am rendered psychopathic at the sound of incessantly barking dogs; shrieking birds; snoring; someone drumming their fingers; the chatter of a friend; the hum of florescent light bulbs; bright lights or sunshine; alarm clocks; those shouting announcers on car commercials; the decline in quality customer service; eating the same thing more than once; anyone controlling any part of my life; anyone asking anything of me...

I can be driving somewhere, and suddenly forget where I'm going. Many times, I've had to pull over and gather myself, struggle to remember...

I cannot focus on two things at once. If I am doing something on the computer, and someone is talking to me, I lose my train of thought. I can't recall what I was doing.

I no longer remember my dreams.

I hear someone talking about something that they experienced in childhood, and I can't recall very much about my own. When asked what my life was like when I was 10 or 15 or 20--I simply have no idea. Likewise, if asked to remember an event--even, sometimes, memorable ones, I can't draw that information out.

I don't visualize things, so that i can retrieve the visualization later. The memory seems disconnected. There seems to be no trigger. If I don't write down my ideas or thoughts, they vaporize into mist.

I cannot find the right word, although I know it exists in the vocabulary portion of my brain, and so I just stop communicating.

It's very much how I imagine an amnesiac would function (or not function). And I get so angry with myself; So angry with others for their lack of understanding. I often feel I am being singled out for torture by the Universe or the Powers That Be. I feel persecuted, abused, neglected... retarded. I often liken the function of my brain, with the function of my own computer. My brain thrashes, struggling to pull something from the hard drive, it crashes when too many applications are up at once, it's buggy and inefficient. The operating system needs badly to be upgraded.

Cognitive Dysfunction.